14 November 2010

Where did those 2 months go?!


Just checking in with my blog - I have been reading all of your blogs from my phone as I settle Bea but I can't comment from the phone unfortunately.

We are doing well. Much better than we did for the first 6 weeks! I think the adjustment to having 2 kids is bigger than from none to 1! I really was a bit of a mess the first 6 weeks. I was a bundle of anxiety over her sleeping. I think it was much more to do with how Champ slept (or didn't) once he came out of the sleepy newborn stage and I was so anxious that little Miss would do the same.

Thus far though, she has proved to be a very calm little girl and even gives us the odd 8 hour stretch of sleep! Most nights she will go down at about 8 and then sleep til anywhere from 2 to 4 which is great for a 7 week old. SHe then settles back to sleep after a very quick feed and does another 4 hour or so stretch. Daytime sleep is another issue however, with her preferring the sling to ANY other method of sleep.

25 September 2010

She's here!

Just a quick update:

Our beautiful daughter Beatrice was born 21 September at 9.47 am weighting in at 8lb 2 oz.

We had a 12 hour stop-start labour which ended with an hour of gas to finally get me those last 2 cm dilation. She was born naturally and came out screaming.

We are now at home and enjoying the start of a breastfeeding relationship which is taking up my every waking thought. Engorgement and cracked nipples at the moment but we are working together to get it right.

The hardest part is Champ. I want to play with him and be a good Mum, but am tired and sore and my emotions are all over the place.

Overall though we are besotted by our two lovely children and happy but tired.

16 September 2010

Nought

Move it along people, nothing to see here.

My due date has been and gone and I am trying to be grateful for the extra sleep I am getting, grateful that my baby girl is still where I can't hear her cry, don't have to change her nappy or split my time between her and her brother.

Each day my dirty washing basket gets emptied and all the clean clothes put away (thank you Spring time!), my freezer gets more and more stocked and my house is cleaned and polished. Each day it is all for nought as she doesn't arrive.

10 September 2010

'Still' here

I am 'still' here and Lucky is 'still' in my tummy.

I say 'still' because I haven't actually reached my due date yet, still half a week til then.

I promised myself this time that I would expect to go late so as to avoid this frustration of being in limbo waiting on her. But of course now that we are pretty much ready and I am not up for taking Champ out too much, and I don't feel I can plan anything past the next few minutes I am frustrated!

I have started getting twinges each night and so each night Cowboy and I kiss each other goodnight and say to get rest because tonight could be the night, and then morning comes and nothing.

So despite not even having reached my due date, I feel like we are 'still' here, ready and waiting.

29 August 2010

Legs crossed

Well, here I am, full term and thoroughly 'over it' but still enjoying the relative serenity of only having one child to physically take care of day to day.

Up until last week, I was doing pretty well I think. I was still taking Champ for outings most days and feeling pretty good in general. Almost exactly as I hit 37 weeks I suddenly feel like I can not do anything much at all. An attempted walk to the (very close) local park on Monday left me breathless before I even started pushing Champ on the swing and Thursday saw me skip music class so we could just play on the floor with Champ's toys all day. As Cowboy says though 'I don't blame you hun, you are about to pop!'.

And about to pop I certainly am. This baby is lower than I ever remember Champ being. I fear she is about to take up residence in my boots. I am BH-ing all over the place with the occasional 'real' contraction thrown in just for fun.

BUT, the nursery is not ready (or even finished being painted) so I am hoping to keep her on the inside for at least another week! Add to that the enjoyment I am getting from spending lots of one on one time with Champ and my legs are firmly crossed.

10 August 2010

Champ making me smile

These song lyrics make me think of Champ every time I hear this song. You make me smile kiddo - and fall out of bed on a regular basis, and crazy in my head some days!

31 July 2010

Baby name decided - clue for those who want it!

Champ decided on Lucky's name months and months ago, but Cowboy and I have still been searching through baby name books and websites just to make sure our original choice still sounded the best to us. Luckily, after all that searching, Champ's favorite won (or else I think he would have still called her by this name anyway!).

Want a clue? My family don't. Since we told them the gender this time they want some surprises kept until she is born. But in case you don't care for surprises, without further ado, here is my clue...

"...there was a star danced, and under that was I born."

29 July 2010

My boys

My heart beats for you.

24 July 2010

Cheeky little miss and Mumma's kitchen

I was thrilled when a few days after I posted about Lucky lying across my belly, I experienced the very strange sensation of her turning down. Or so I thought. At my 33 week check-up the midwife wasn't so sure. She seems to think my cheeky little Miss my have headed up rather than down.

However, the little minx is making it hard to be sure, because her back is along my back. Sigh.

We have 3 more weeks for her to get into position before taking steps to either turn her manually or book me in for a c-section (which scares the heck out of me far more than natural childbirth, although my Mum has made me promise that if she is breech I do not attempt to birth her naturally as it is 'just not worth it').

In other Lucky news - the kitchen is open. Mumma's milk is here and ready waiting. Shame I can't yet say the same about your nursery or my hospital bag.

16 July 2010

The long and the short of it

9 weeks to go.

It feels so exciting that in only 9 weeks I will be meeting my daughter.

It seems and eternity to be pregnant for another 9 weeks.

It is frighteningly soon that I will have two children to care for and vie for my attention.

08 July 2010

Sense of direction

Lucky seems to have Cowboy's direction sense - not much. At 30 weeks she is still lying across my belly and kicking me mainly way, way down low.

Over the weekend Champ proved he has much better direction sense while we were at a miniature railway. After going past a 'Percy' (a green miniature steam train) while on the 2 km track and departing the train no where near 'Percy', he zoomed off in the correct direction to get a closer look at his find. He, at least, has his Mummy's sense of direction.

14 June 2010

Bribery and corruption

Eat it at the table kiddo.
Please use your spoon, ah-ah, for eating not painting the table.
Last chance!
Come on, quickly to the toilet and you can watch Sesame street.
Champ! That's enough toilet paper.
Help me get your shoes on.
Please don't fight me.
If you are fighting me I will have to turn the TV off. Please help me get your shoes on.
Mummy will have to go to playgroup without you if you can't help me get you ready.
5 minutes and the TV will need to be off.
3 minutes.
Ok, this is the last song, then please help me to turn the TV off.
Well I am going to playgroup without you then.
Ok, into the car...
Now, please...
No! No jumping in the puddles, you don't have gumboots on.
Champ!
Into the car, now, please!
Ok, have fun, Mummy will get in the car. See you soon.
Great, thanks. Uh! No hitting Mummy, gentle please.
Now please be gentle at playgroup. Remember no hitting or pushing or we have to go home.
That's right gentle or there is no more playtime.
Champ! I said sharing with your friends please.
Remember to be gentle or we have to go home and have no more playtime.
Ok, Champ into the car.
Come on. Lunch time when we get home.
Champ, do you want to peel an egg when we get home?
Thank you.
No, it is not time for you drive, Mummy will drive.
Well, do you want to stay in the car or do you want to eat your egg?
Yes, you can peel it yourself.
No, no apples for lunch.
Champ! Put the apple back. You can have it after lunch.
Ok, 5 more minutes play time then time for the toilet before bed.
Champ, come on off to the toilet now.
Champ?
Champ, look big bird wants to watch you do your wee wee on the toilet.
Yes, big bird is so proud.
Ok, all done on the toilet?
I think you are all done.
Come on, all done, lets read some books in bed.
No, no more books on the toilet, bed time.
I can hear teddy calling you from your bed.
Hey, wait! Big boy jocks back on before bed please mister.
We will read 3 books, ok?
Yes, they can all be Dr Seuss.
Ok, last book.
No, that was the last one.
Time for prayers and Mummy will sing you your lullaby.
Yes I will stay with you until you are asleep.
Champ, I am saying your prayers, no talking please.
Ok, if you are going to keep talking Mummy will have to go to the lounge room.
I can only stay with you if there is no talking.
Goodnight I love you too, mate.

Is it any wonder I fall asleep during his nap time before he does?

I wish I didn't have to bribe/threaten/coax every action every step of the way. Champ is actually a very good and generally co operative kid for his age, but sometime I just wonder 'Why can't you just do what you are asked to do? The first time?' before the bribes and the threats have come out. At least I haven't had to resort to pleading with him yet. Still, having to distract and coax all day every day, it's exhausting!

08 June 2010

Champ update

We are all getting a lot more sleep in the Lemoncake household lately (knocking frantically on wood). I helped our sleep issues the way I prefer, with a bit of patience and a lot of communication.

One afternoon, I told Champ that we would have to move the mattress from his room because Mummy had to sleep in Mummy's bed. He helped me do this and I told him that I would stay with him until he fell asleep, but then I would go to Mummy's bed and if he needed me he could call me and I would hear him.

That night I did as I promised and he woke a couple of times. Each time I told him that I would stay with him until he fell asleep but that Mummy had to sleep in Mummy's bed. I was very boring and only replied with a soft 'sssshhh' to any talking as he fell back to sleep.

It only took a couple of nights before I wasn't getting called to his room anymore! I now explain to him each night just before we say our prayers that I will stay with him until he falls asleep and that if he wakes up through the night he should cuddle Sleepyhead (his comforter) and close his eyes and go back to sleep.

Aaaaahhh. A good night sleep was what we all needed! He does still wake occasionally and I will go in and follow his request of 'Mummy stay wif me'. But most nights we are getting through without a call out.

Anyway, all that could change as we are in the process of converting the back room into his bedroom. I am nervous and excited. It is quite far from our bedroom and a very big room for a little boy (bigger than my lounge room actually!). But I am so excited to be choosing paint colour and curtains for him.

When he was born, Cowboy and I lived in a one bedroom inner city apartment so my nursery planning went only so far as dedicating a corner of our room to his cot and our lounge room to his change table. Now, to be looking at themes and colour swatches for both my kids at once is very cool. Champ's current bedroom will become Lucky's and since we didn't re-paint it prior to moving in here we are getting new paint and curtains for her too. I'll post picture once the rooms are done, but for now we are thinking 'Robin's Egg blue' paint for the walls with grey striped curtains for Champ and a violet and white colour scheme for Lucky.

Champ is getting very excited to meet his 'little sister'. He has no concept that there are still 99 days to go (as of today!) but can see my tummy getting bigger and he loves to talk to her and tell her what he is doing ('I'm eating my toast, baby. When you get bigger you can drink milk from Mummy's boobies.').

I am finding each age with him more and more enjoyable. He is now my little companion while I do everything. He loves nothing more than to 'help Mummy' with anything from hanging laundry (which he can do surprisingly well on the clothes horse) to fetching ingredients for me as I cook (in exchange for occasionally being allowed to stir the food for me).

He is getting so independent, only requiring my presence when he goes to the toilet, pulling down pants and getting on to the seat himself, climbing down and washing his hands neatly without any reminders.

I know it will all change once Lucky is born, if only temporarily. I will not have the time to let life go slowly at his pace and he will likely rebel against all the time I have to devote to her and regress a little himself. But I know it will only be for a little while, and am glad for the larger age gap I have (unwillingly) got between the kids. He is 2 and a half this week (where has the time gone?!), and will be 2 and nine months by the time Lucky arrives. A bigger age gap than expected, but I think it is perfect.

20 May 2010

I parent my kid to sleep

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I have been reading your blogs, keeping up on your news, but not commenting or updating my own blog. Sorry, I'll try harder.

All is well in Lemoncake land. Lucky is turning out to be just as active as her big brother and already giving me kicks that Cowboy and Champ can feel (and see as of last night!).

She is really active at about 7 in the morning (just as Champ wakes up) and then intermittently through the day, she is quiet when Champ takes his nap but then gives me lotsa good kicks when he sits on my knee straight after his nap. She is her most active at about 8 in the evening after we have put Champ to bed, and then is really, eerily quite all night. I am hoping and praying that this is a pattern she will continue once she is born (surely I am due for a 'good sleeper' this time?)!

Champ is still a rockin' little Mummy's boy and the delight of my world. He is however having some issues transitioning to a big boy bed.

The whole transition started wrong. He was going through a 'bad sleeping' patch where he would wake through the night and scream for me, and only me. If Cowboy walked in to the room he would yell 'Daddy go out the door. I want Mummy!' and scream til I came in, re tucked his sheets and offered him water, or even just said 'sssshhhh, sssshhh' and left. Repeat this every hour or so and we were going crazy.

Since we had just received delivery of his big boy bed and two mattresses, I thought my life would be easier if I put one mattress on the floor in his room so that I could sleep on it for a few nights and be ready to 'ssssshhhh' him without getting up. I figured he was just so wakeful as two of his two year old molars were coming through and soon we would get back to normal.

What I didn't anticipate was him seeing the 'big boy bed' with the only single bed sheets we have (soccer ball design) and wanting to sleep in the 'soccer ball bed'. After him screaming for the soccer ball bed for an hour one nap time and then sleeping in it for 3 hours, I relented and let him sleep there that night.

He was sleeping better in it, but I had to stay there until he fell asleep and then again when he woke through the night (usually when he crawled out of it by mistake and lots his blankets. To solve this problem we set up his bed including the bed rail on the non-wall side. This solved the crawling out of bed problem but it was too hard for me to climb in and out of to settle him, so I put the second mattress on the floor just next to his bed. Problem solved.

His cries soon became 'Mummy sleep on this one' referring to the mattress next to him. I would fall asleep on this mattress while he fell asleep at 8 pm and then wake at about 11 to climb into my own bed. Until he called out a few hours later because I was no longer where he thought I would be.

So that is the story of how our independent self settler became a two year old who needs to be parented to sleep and have his Mummy sleep in the room with him all night.

I keep changing my mind as to my next course of action. Right now, I have a terrible cold so I am just sleeping in his room where I get 11 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but no adult time at the end of the day.

When we are both fully recovered I will probably enlist his help to 'pack up Mummy's bed because Mummy has to sleep in her bed now' and we can do some role play with leaving teddy in the soccer ball bed after some songs and prayers and we wait in the lounge so we can hear if he needs us.

On the other hand, we are moving him to his new bedroom in about a month (once the curtains are up and the room transformed from a junk/study/playroom to a toddler bedroom) and I don't know if I should wait to do the big change then...

The one thing I know is that I am not a cry it out kind of Mum. I parent my kid to sleep. The downside is bouts of broken sleep. The pay off is lots of extra Mummy-cuddles and the warmth of a toddler. Seriously, feeling your not-so-baby's breath against your cheek as you sleep, aaahhh.

And when I lack resolve to do it this way, the way that feels natural to me, I just remember my Mum. She parented us to sleep for years. I am talking years and years of rubbing backs, singing songs and inviting us into her bedroom through the night. And she never regrets a single moment. I mean how could you?

27 April 2010

Belly comparisons

Lucky is nearly half way through baking and I am finally starting to feel a little normal again. I haven't been actually sick in a few weeks and I only really get nauseous if I let myself get too hungry or I eat chocolate (seriously, my daughter hates chocolate!). I am however still chronically exhausted. I am sleeping insane hours and still waking up tired. But maybe that is just part and parcel of having a toddler while pregnant.

I have been feeling guilty because we took so many belly pics with Champ but, until last week, not one with Lucky. For the first trimester it was more about protecting myself. I didn't want belly pics lying around if this pregnancy had gone the way of my last two. And recently I have been too sick and tired to actually be dressed and bother taking a photo.

I figure if she ever asks for pictures of me while pregnant with her, I will do one of two things: a) explain that she made me sicker than her brother ever did so he got more pics than she did; or b) lie and show her the ones of me with Champ.

But out of curiosity, I got Cowboy to take a photo for me last week so I could compare them. Sorry, I am not going to show the side on ones of me with just a bra on which is the only comparable angle we have. But, you can compare these photos of me fully dress, albeit not on a comparable angle and with me slightly further along now than in the pic with Champ.

With Champ at 18 weeks (at a masquerade party):

With Lucky at 19 weeks (last week):


Just to show that my belly is bigger than my boobs!

21 April 2010

Surprised by the expected ("It's a...")

Our big ultrasound went wonderfully. Lucky is doing perfectly and measuring to be due 15 September (Champ is 15 December so if I go on my due date it will be easy to remember my kid's birthdays).

We did find out the gender. We kept trying to direct Champ to look at the screen to see his 'baby brother or sister', so the technician asked if we wanted to know if it was a brother or sister. Looks he will be a doting big brother to a little sister.

Even though I had a hunch I was having a girl all through the pregnancy, it was still a little bit of a shock.

A girl.

One of each.

Pigeon pair.

I can't get the song from Annie "Little Girls" out of my head. Some women are drippin' with diamonds, some women are drippin' with pearls; Lucky me, lucky me, looks what I am drippin' in... Little girls! Well, only one little girl, but if my family's baby shopping spree doesn't end soon, I imagine I'll soon feel overwhelmed by all the pink, dolls and frills.

18 April 2010

Gender neutral

Gender. It's not important. What is important is a healthy baby. But of course the gender of your child does have consequences slightly more important than just the colour of your nursery.

We didn't find out Champ's gender before he was born. I wanted the surprise. I was told it would get me through labour wondering if the baby I was pushing out was a boy or a girl. I can tell you that I did not once in those 24+ hours of actual labour ponder the gender of our baby. I just wanted it out.

We were so indifferent to Champ's gender that we forgot to check under the towel for a few minutes as we exclaimed over his every little facial feature. Well, we were indifferent; until I checked and told Cowboy that he had a son. The look on that man's face told me he wasn't as indifferent as we had made out. I will never in all my years forget that look of overwhelming pride and joy on my husband's face.

In two days we have our big scan for Lucky. We are seriously thinking about finding out the gender this time. No real reason. Just to do it differently; see which we we like better. But of course you can't 'undo' being told. So we are still not 100% sure we will find out.

With Champ I 'knew' he was a boy. The entire pregnancy I was convinced he was a boy. That didn't stop me secretly hoping for a girl. That is a terrible thing to say, I know. I am the oldest of 3 girls and by the time my brother came along I was too old to 'play with the baby', so my experience is mostly with girl babies.

That is probably the reason we didn't find out his gender. I knew I would be disappointed if at the 20 week scan I was told I was having a boy. But after the birth, and holding your baby in your arms, there is no way you could feel one ounce of disappointment. All I felt at meeting Champ way pure love. I literally fell 'in love' with him. Now, I don't know if that happens when you have a girl.

This is why I am contemplating finding out Lucky's gender. I will not feel disappointed if Lucky is a boy or a girl. In fact I want both. I want a brother for Champ and I want a girl to dress up.

I know the absolute joy that a son is. People say that sons grow up and move away to their wives while a girl will always come back home to Mummy, but in these early years having a son is pure joy. Champ is a little comedian, he is bright and energetic and he loves me with an absolute passion. Little boys tend not to hold grudges or get nasty with each other. And who wouldn't want a ton of little Mummy's boys?

Of course I wouldn't mind some of our cars, trucks and balls being replaced by dolls and whatever else little girls like to play with (can you tell I am the mother of a boy?). And I adore girl's clothes much, much more than boy's. I would also like to have a daughter who will someday marry and have babies.

But these are all very general and quite sexist things. Champ enjoys playing with soft toys and dancing to music just as much as girls at his age do (loves the soft toys and tea parties actually!). And who is to say a little girl wouldn't insist on wearing pants and climbing trees - even chose not to marry and have children. Champ and his brother my be chalk and cheese; he and his sister may end up best of friends. There are no guarantees about anything.

I have learnt more about myself and about children in the last few years. I am proud to honestly say that I am actually indifferent to the gender of my child now, and would be thrilled if my future kids photos looked like either of these pictures below.

Champ and Lucky as best buddies:

Or Champ doting on his little sister, Lucky:


So now all I am hoping for Tuesday is for the scan to show me a healthy baby. But for the record, I want to know your guess as to the gender of Lucky...

12 April 2010

The good bits

I was probably being too harsh in my last post about our overseas adventure. There were good times, it has just taken me a week of recovery (and scrolling through the photos) to remember them.

We did enjoy our island getaway despite Cowboy not being 100% (we didn't know then just how bad he was). Champ loved the beach and the pool, and the resort had great kids entertainment sessions like pizza making. It was totally luxurious and I was only a tad put out by being the one who was running around after Champ most of the time, we didn't get any nights off either because Champ was super clingy overseas. I guess all the changes in one go made him want to cling to me as a piece of 'normal'.

We also enjoyed meeting Cowboy's family. I had met some of the cousins who have ventured to Australia in the last 8 or so years, but unlike his Australian family, Cowboy's Filipino family is huge! The day of my father-in-law's birthday celebration Champ didn't eat a single thing all day because all he wanted to do was run around with his newly found cousins. He was the absolute favorite; it was a mix of being new and different, his inherent cuteness and being the only male who can one day produce more little babies. Champ is the last of the family line (in name anyway).

The surprising bonus about Cowboy getting sick is that I got a free ultrasound! Despite the hospital being officially closed, Cowboy's uncle is a consulting doctor and used to run the whole hospital when he was younger, so Uncle opened up the hospital for us and got Cowboy seen to. He also consulted with an OB who he trained up from scratch many moons ago. I casually said I wish I knew the baby wasok after being so close to Shingles and before I knew it I was on the table with machines set up beside me.

I am very grateful now for the level of technology in Australia. I never knew the almost primitive technology some countries have to put up with. Firstly, I wasn't able to see the ultrasound screen like I can when I have them done here. They also asked Cowboy (being male) to leave the room, which luckily he refused to do (indeed!). They then wanted to wand me before I insisted that at 17 weeks I am sure external would do (I won that case also).

Finally, they announced that I was measuring 14 weeks. I told them that I was 16 but had been measuring 1 week ahead at each ultrasound. The doc assured me that this was fine to measure 14 weeks because the calculations are give or take 2 weeks. Give or take 2 weeks... In Australia it is accurate give or take 2 days!

I was so upset by the news that she agreed to measure the head individually as it is more accurate - 17 weeks. And the torso - 17 weeks. Oh, whoops, the baby was on a funny angle earlier so we were only getting about half the back in the measurement... Ok, lucky I was forceful enough to ask for a second measurement or I would have walked away in a panic as many Filipino women probably would do.

Then the final 'thank-goodness-my-medical-tests-are-in-Australia' moment. I asked the gender. 'He he he, no it is far to early to tell. We can't tell via ultrasound.' At that point I took my blurry ultrasound images and thanked then immensely for their help. I am now very happy to be back in Oz and I have my bigultrasound set up for next Tuesday. Phew!

Here are a few pics of the good times (plus a bit of baby bump):

In transit - exhausted:
What do you mean I can't fly the real plane?
Finally done with the first 3 plane trips - now just a short walk, a boat and a car...
The boat trip - are we there yet?!
Finally - paradise:
At sunset with his grandparents:
Pizza making in paradise:


You can seen my growing baby bump here:
Champ with his great grandmother and his cousins:

07 April 2010

Lessons learnt

The lemoncake family have returned to Oz. There's no place like home, there's no place like home...

I learnt a few things while we were away:

1. When your 2 year old falls into an on-and-off broken sleep on an overnight international flight and just needs your ssshhh-ing to get him back to sleep each time, try to resist the morning sickness and do not leave your seat to throw up in the toilet or you will pay the price with a screaming child and then an awake-after-only-6 hours-sleep toddler for the rest of the flight.

2. If your husband complains of headaches and a very sore 'pimple' on his forehead and is so not himself just before leaving on a holiday, consider getting it checked out before you get to your remote island holiday where you will not find a doctor for a few days.

3. A husband with Shingles living in hotel-close confines with a toddler and a pregnant woman is not a good combination.

4. When you are tired and you toddler 'needs' to eat and sleep in a semi regular pattern or he is off the wall, do not rely on family to show you around their home city - you will end up in bed most nights after 10pm and still up with a grumpy child at 6 am each day, everyday.

5. I should have given my boy more credit than I did, I was so worried about how/when he would sleep and yet I found that he could actually fall asleep anywhere if tired enough - even on a jeep ride, then transfer to a speed boat, then sleep in your arms all through an airport check in.

6. Bring more clothes on a plane for your toddler then you believe he could ever need to wear. Even if he didn't need them on the flight to overseas, on the way home he may wet through his entire outfit (even though he has been 'dry' for months), spill coke on another and end up on the flight with no top or warm clothes while you hug him close in a blanket to keep him warm and your husband attempts to air dry the orange juice from all over the last remaining t-shirt you have on board.

7. There really is no place like home.

26 March 2010

An anniversary and a due date

Cowboy, Champ and I are heading overseas to the Philippines tomorrow (or as Champ says 'go Philiphines on airplane far, far away'.).

There are many, many things to worry about including a toddler on an international overnight plane trip, making sure none of us consume dodgy food or drink (especially me), child-snatching, and my current favorite: trying to stop Champ drinking the possibly contaminated water as he showers. But I am hoping that the 4 days in a luxury resort (with built in babysitters - aka Cowboy's parents) and the joy of introducing Champ to his Great Grandmother and so many relations in the Philippines will overshadow the worries.

While we are away, a few milestones will pass. I may be so hard at it relaxing that I will forget the date, so I will remember them now:

April 2nd was my due date with Muscles.

April 6th will be one year since we conceived Turtledove.

It is hard to think about the babies I have lost. Of course, I still don't know if they were boys or girls, if they would have looked more like me than Champ does (Cowboy's mini-me), or more importantly if they would have had a chance at being healthy.

It is also strange to think that if I hadn't lost them, I wouldn't be sitting here now cradling my belly and thanking God for Lucky. I know that that feeling will continue after Lucky is born. The more you fall in love with your child, the more you wouldn't wish to change any events that brought them to you. But it is hard to be happy for my losses; hard to be happy that two babies that Cowboy and I created did not make it to our arms.

So, off we go on our holiday, Cowboy, Red, Champ and Lucky. My family.

22 March 2010

What's in a name?

As we approach the 15 week mark, we have started to think seriously about names for Lucky. I am likely going to find out the gender at our 18-20 week scan, so having a name picked out would be fun (not that I am planning on letting family and friends IRL know the name).

And, no, we are not going to name our baby 'Lucky'. Actually, I call our baby Lucky to all and sundry at the moment, Cowboy on the other hand calls Lucky 'Charming' because he thinks it is a boy and 'third time is a charm' whereas I think 'third time is lucky'. You may be surprised to know this, but all of us are going by pseudonyms on this blog. I know, it is a shock that I didn't name my son 'Champ Lemoncake', I know. So I need a real name.

I have revealed on this blog before that Champ's name is Xavier. This is pronounced a little differently depending on where you come from (Americans generally say X-avier where as British and most Aussies say it with a soft X, 'Zavier') but we are not fussed on how people pronounce it. All of our friends and family call him using the British pronunciation as we liked it from a French baby name - plus it is easier to shorten it as we do to Xav (pronounced Zave). When we chose Champ's name we didn't know his gender. I was literally in labour trying to decide on a baby girl name, but we knew hands down that Champ would be Xavier if he was a boy.

When Champ was born our second preference for boys names was Sebastian. Whilst I still like this name, it is getting very popular, to the point that there are a few Sebastians in most circles that we mix in. To us, that is a big no-no. If Lucky is a boy, we currently only have one top name (again we can decide on boys names a lot easier). The name is Watson. I like it because it also starts with an unusual letter (like Xavier) and it was my Grandmother's maiden name.

If Champ had been a girl he would have been Eliza. Our other options (in no particular order) were Audrey, Violet, Madeline, Rosie, Beatrice, and a few more that I can't even remember. Eliza is not now a name I would name this baby. Only a couple on that list rate in our top ones at the moment. If Lucky is a girl, our top two names are Violet and Beatrice. I am leaning towards Violet because, again, it starts with an unusual letter (and then I would have 2 little Roman Numerals, X & V), but it is also gaining popularity, so that is one point for Beatrice.

Nicknames are something I also consider. For example I like the name Madeline but wouldn't like it to be shortened to Maddy. My philosophy on that is that if you don't like the nickname, it is too much work to spend your life asking people not to shorten your child's name. I don't mind Xav as a nickname (or 'the X-man' as some people call him!). As for nicknames with Lucky's shortlisted names I don't know how people would shorten Watson, Violet I would shorten to Vi and Beatrice to Bea (if she is a gentle soul) or Trixie (if she is a bit feisty). I think I can cope with all variations.

So, now that you know my preferences and my conditions to a name, I am opening my comments page up to suggestions:

19 March 2010

Fairness

Champ is a lover not a fighter.

Besides a brief 'pushing' period between 18 and 24 months where he would randomly push other kids over to see what would happen (Hhhhm, here's a kid learning to walk, I bet he'll take a great tumble; What about if I push the girl in the back rather than the front?; Let's see what happens if I push this much bigger child... oops, not doing that again!) he is really laid back when with other children. He is fortunately like his Daddy and is pretty happy to go with the flow.

He can be redirected very easily if another child takes the toy he is playing with. Just a simple 'How about you use the red car?' if a child steals the yellow truck will mostly always do the trick. My problem is, how much should I redirect him like this and how much should I stand up for him?

I don't want him to always miss out on the toy he wants just because he cries less than the other kid. Many other children his age are getting quite possessive and will yell and scream if made to give back the toy they have just snatched. If both parents are present and notice the snatch the other parent will generally ask their child to give back the toy to Champ, but if the child makes a fuss I ask Champ to use a different one and we all move on happily.

I am glad to see that he is only so complacent to a point though.

We have one little friend who is incredibly possessive, anything Champ (or any other child) touches, be it hers, Champ's or belonging to a third party, she will snatch it and if asked to give it back she will scream and clench her fists firmly refusing to give it back. If made to return it, she will tantrum for ages, never once forgetting the doll/car/book she wanted. It isn't really a criticism of the two year old, she will probably grow into a very determined adult who will be very capable because of her strong desire, but it is tough to be around for too long!

But anyway, if we are with this girl, Champ will back down, and back down, and back down. He will tolerate being redirected up to 15 or so times in one playdate. But then he gives me this look, and my heart simply breaks for him. His look says 'This is just not fair, Mum.' and he will be just as upset as the girl (justifiably so). It is usually this point that I do let him play with the toy and I try as hard as I can to redirect the other child.

So, I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I am someone who fights for what I want and I was probably just like his little friend when I was her age. Cowboy is like Champ and he feels that he missed out on a lot because he didn't stand up for himself. He doesn't want Champ to be quite so easy going and miss out on what he wants. I don't want Champ to feel like he missed out, but I just don't know that me standing up for him will teach him to stand up for himself.

Any suggestions ladies?

16 March 2010

And then...

So after all the positive Mummy thoughts in my last post, the universe has to find a way to catch up to me, tap me on the shoulder and remind me that being a stay at home Mum isn't without its struggles.

For one, Champ has been driving me insane! He is actually a really good kid so I am putting it down to pregnancy hormones making me a bit short tempered on occasions, which in turn makes Champ's usually cool, calm and collected self forced to rebel against the unfairness of having a grouchy Mummy and the day spirals downhill from there.

Also, I got asked to join a friend and her son at a Wiggles concert in the middle of the year. She actually bought 3 tickets too many and was trying to sell them off. Because it would have been 3 tickets it would have been $90 for the experience (and Cowboy would then have had to take a day off work to use one ticket up). I know Champ would have loved the show, but I just had to say 'no' due to the cost. Then of course I started to feel guilty for all the things he will have to miss out on because I am not out earning a second income for the family.

Money is not 'tight' around here, but we are conscious of what we spend and try not to go too crazy. We are also not 'getting ahead'. I mean, we are paying the bills, paying the mortgage and not feeling too restricted, but we are not paying much more than the minimum mortgage repayments and not saving any elsewhere either.

To be fair, if I did work we probably wouldn't actually 'get ahead' anyway because we would probably just spend extra money that we currently don't. I have noticed that is the way it is with most people, everyone tends to live within their means and when that means expands so does the credit card bill. But still, maybe we would then be going to the Wiggles in May if I was working.

I really wish I could ask Champ what he would prefer...

A couple of other tid bits that I have been meaning to post about:

I am still sick! Like really vomiting and all. It is doing my head in! The nausea is not anywhere near as bad as it was a few weeks ago, but I am vomiting more. Add to the mix the occasional pregnancy headache (which I never get when not pregnant) and this is one unhappy Mummy. (Note to self in 2 years: Go easy on yourself and do not consider #3.)

To everyone who suggested buying a doppler when I was stressing before our 12 weeks scan, thanks for the advice and I am still considering it, but I am just not sure dopplers are for me. I tend to stress mostly before scans, so checking more often isn't going to do me any good. Also, I am afraid of not finding it one night and then panicking for no reason. But, for those of you who have done this more than once, I do want to know if you found the doppler useful after you started feeling the baby moving? I felt Champ move at 17 weeks, so I don't know if it would be worth it anyway since by the time it was shipped here I might be already feeling Lucky move and thus reassured anyway.

One more piece of random news: Champ woke last night after 12 hours of sleep with a completely dry nappy. He then rushed to the toilet and proceeded to pee his weight in urine. The kid really does make my life easy; he toilet trained himself well before he was 2 years old and now it looks like we might be out of night nappies by the time Lucky is born!

09 March 2010

Immersed

It occurs to me sometimes that friends of mine may think that I have 'lost myself' since I got married and fell pregnant (one in the same to me since Champ was essentially a honeymoon baby).

They probably breathed a sigh of relief as I returned to part time work when Champ was 11 months old, expecting the 'old' Red to come back and devote lots of energy to my career as a Charted Accountant. I am certain they couldn't understand what had come over me as I quit that job 6 months later in order to stay home and raise my son myself.

I have friends who I am sure now find me 'boring'. They think that as I am at home with Champ all day everyday (which is not actually true since everyday we have at least one activity such as music or playgroup to attend) I have become 'just' a Mum and that I need to be 'freed'.

This 'free Mum' argument really confuses me as I feel no need to be 'freed' - freed from what anyway? Freed from being a Mum? Freed from the most rewarding and satisfying, not to mention fun, thing I have ever done? If nothing else, I think they should be freed from sitting at the same desk everyday, working with the same people and having to wear highly uncomfortable clothing for 50 hours a week.

I fully admit that Champ consumes me. But I am happy to be consumed. I am happy to hand over a handful of years of my life to be at the beck and call of him, to guide his upbringing and to have lots of fun, laughs and kisses. I am happy to spend a few years of my (hopefully long) life raising my son.

I am happy to immerse myself in all aspects of motherhood. Because it is true, I am immersed in motherhood. I spend my days trying to stimulate Champ and give him a balanced start to life. I spend spare time reading parenting books and planning how we can spend our next adventurous day.

For these next few years, I am 'just' a mother. I am 'just' the most important person in someones life. I am 'just' raising a son to the best of my ability so that he may one day become the best person he can be.

And I am 'just' loving it.

05 March 2010

"It's a..." and other ultrasound facts

Best, best, best ultrasound I could have asked for!!

Lucky is still measuring ahead (12w4d) and heartbeat was 168 bpm, so still really fast. Lucky was a bit active this morning, but we still managed to see all five fingers on each hand, took photos of the bladder, both legs and could clearly make out the spine.

I casually asked the technician if it is too early to tell the gender. I should have known not to ask if I didn't want to know. He blurted out that if he was asked, he would say 'girl' as there is no pen*is.

Of course I know it might not have 'come out' yet as it is still early, but I have been getting girl vibes anyway. I think I'll have to ask at the next ultrasound (even though I hadn't decided if I wanted to know yet - we didn't with Champ) because I don't want to go through the whole pregnancy thinking of Lucky as a girl and then get a shock to find out it is a boy (even though I would be delighted either way)!

04 March 2010

Crapping myself

I am really scared after a doctors appointment I made for Champ yesterday. I took him to the doctors for his travel vaccines for our trip to the Philippines at the end of the month. I was anxious enough about that (the temporary discomfort of my little guy), but then the doctor started questioning me.

I replied that I had travelled to South East Asia 3 years ago for our honeymoon, so I was covered. Ummmm, now I know that a few of those shots only last 3 years - I had thought everything was for 10 years! Because we decided to get the shots well before our January 2007 wedding, we are now 4 month out of date for our injections.

The doctor said he would need to give me typhoid and swine flu but I was still covered for my Hep A (luckily I went back for that booster shot to make it last 10 years). I told him I was pregnant. His response: 'Why are you travelling to the Philippines while you are pregnant?'.

I was floored and now am scared.

I have since checked my itinerary and we are not travelling to any of the provinces which are high risk for malaria (his main concern because i can not take the tablets and they can not cover me at all) and we are staying at 5 star hotels and resorts the whole time - it isn't like we are staying in a shanty town.

I have done some research and believe that swine flu vaccines is quite safe, and typhoid injectible (not live) has had no reported problems with pregnant women, but it has not been medically tested as they don't test on pregnant women. It is also best to do it outside of the first trimester. I will be 13 weeks next week and the injection takes 10 - 14 days to take effect, so I think I can just scrape in if I do it next Friday.

Still, as Champ says, 'too scawy (scary)'.

In other news, looks like I spoke too soon about my morning sickness lifting. I am still sick and still vomiting. I am upset because it all stopped at 11 weeks 3 days with Champ, so that is what I was counting on this time. But no such luck. This kid is already more trouble than its brother. :)

01 March 2010

Worry, hope, love.

I have been suffering a bit of pregnancy insomnia lately. Nothing really to write home about, and I remember being the same while pregnant with Champ. The combination of early nights, nanna-naps, constant thirst, subsequent multiple toilet breaks, sore breasts and aching hips make some night time wakefulness perfectly understandable. This last week though, one more thing has been thrown into the mix to make me even more wakeful. Worry.

You would think that at 11.5 weeks I would be past the worry. However, I think it is the hope that has been creeping in ever since that 8 week scan which is making me worry. Prior to that scan I tried to have a 'come what may' attitude (hard as that was to actually pull off). But since seeing Lucky's heartbeat and little limb buds waving hello to Mummy, I have been caught up in hope.

Rather than planning each week at a time, just hoping Lucky would hold on tight to let me make it to the next weekly milestone, I have started to look further ahead. I have started to think about sleeping arrangements and our pre-baby shopping list. I have started to imagine Champ holding Lucky for the first time as he realises Mummy's belly is not the baby, the baby was in there. I have started to anticipate the sleepless nights, our breastfeeding journey and managing a newborn and a toddler.

I have my 12 week scan on Friday morning.

Last night I woke up and I was cradling my belly in my arms. And I realised that hope and love have well and truly made it in to this pregnancy.

25 February 2010

The wind has changed

I am finally starting to feel human again - one week before I hit the second trimester! This is almost the exact same timing as with Champ and I am so relieved it doesn't look like I'll be one of those women who are sick until 18 weeks or something else equally as daunting.

Also with the lift in nausea comes a change in my mood. I am a very bad first trimester pregnant lady. So much so that it has caused Cowboy to ask 'is there such thing as pre-natal depression?'.

I reminded him that while I was pregnant with Champ he (sensibly) waited until I hit the 12 week mark to remark that he was glad my mood improved because he 'was beginning to wonder if I really wanted this baby' as I was so depressed.

For now, the hormone craziness seems to have eased and I am now just anxiously awaiting my 12 week scan next Friday.

15 February 2010

Flying

Things are just chugging along here at the Lemoncake Household. Not much home cooking or cleaning is being done and I am concentrating on the basic art of survival and spending any available energy reserves on maintaining some of the good life for Champ.

I have decided that pregnancy reminds me a lot of international travel. Before you have done it you think it will be really cool and glamorous. Then you realise it is actually a worrisome, very uncomfortable and long way to get to where you want to go (albeit a very remarkable and awe inspiring one).

Talking of international travel, we have book flights for Hong Kong and the Philippines (Cowboy's birth country) for March. I am really hoping that my morning sickness has gone and left me with a second trimester glow and contentment by then.

08 February 2010

Lucky!

Lucky to have a strong heartbeat (169 bpm); Lucky to be tall (2 cm crown to rump); Lucky to be here.

I was also lucky to not require the wand, full bladders are very uncomfortable but external ultrasounds are a lot easier.

Ultrasound went great. Lucky was measuring big (8w5d as opposed to 8w1d) but that is more in line with when I believe I ovulated given my short cycles (day 12), which would have me at 8w3d. Allowing for a couple of days measuring error means I am pretty much on track. Or maybe he/she will just be tall!

I have finally started to believe that I might actually get a baby out of this in September.

07 February 2010

Tomorrow; Eight Weeks; Ultrasound

Tomorrow is my first scan for this pregnancy. I chose to wait until 8 weeks because I got the scan earlier at 6 weeks with Muscles and still went on to miscarry 3 weeks later. I know 8 weeks doesn't guarantee the scan to be more accurate, but I just felt better waiting as bit longer. I think the 8 week scan will mean more to me than a 6 week scan.

I don't really know what to expect. I have had 6 week scans twice now and always needed the 'wand' and had a 10 week scan with Champ and didn't need it. I don't know what I prefer actually, I hate the full bladder feeling needed for an external ultrasound, but wands aren't as feel good as they sound either. I'll be sure to fill you in on all that detail tomorrow!

I have spent this weekend at my Mum's house with Champ and I being totally spoiled while Cowboy has been away at a weekend long seminar. I really needed it though, I just don't feel capable of much at the moment and feel like I am letting down Champ ('Mummy play? Oh, Mummy too sick.') and Cowboy ('Take away for dinner again darling?'). But now I am back to reality and had better try to find some energy to clean up before Cowboy gets home tonight.

05 February 2010

Tesedar

My Champ has made up a new word: Tesedar.

It took me a while to figure out what he meant. He has been screaming it from his cot when I put him down to his nap and to sleep at night for the last few days. I gave up trying to guess what he wanted and put it down to a bad sleeping patch (which he has had the last few days due to a stuffy nose ('ittle bit bocked nose') and hot nights ('air-con on, Mummy?')).

When I put Champ down for a sleep I say his prayers, turn off the light and then sing him his favourite song Brahms Lullaby. Lately because I have been feeling sick, I have been kneeling on the floor and leaning on the side of his cot to sing the song to him rather than standing up. He often stands up and comes over to me for a cuddles, nuzzles his face into my neck and sings with me. This part gives me goose bumps because his breath on my neck tickles.

Anyway, yesterday we were playing with his teddy in the afternoon and he said 'Oh, teddy tired, Tesedar Teddy.'. Then he picked up his teddy and nuzzled him into his neck. I asked Champ to do 'tesedar' and he climbed on to my lap and cuddled my neck 'ahhh, tesedar'.

01 February 2010

Landmark Moment

I just experienced my first ever pregnancy vomit (even including the entire pregnancy with Champ). So it looks like this monster can get even worse. Happy 7 weeks, Lucky!

On a happier note, it was Australia Day here last week and we had a BBQ at our place, Champ was wrapt with his temporary tattoos ('BAM!' he calls them).

29 January 2010

One question, two answers

Thanks everyone for your support after my last post. Since that episode two days ago, I have had no more blood, so fingers crossed Lucky is still holding on tight.

After feeling so poorly with morning sickness for this past week that I am seriously reconsidering the idea of a big family (Champ and Lucky might just have to be it, because I can't see anyone convincing me to do this again), I asked both Cowboy and my Mum the same question, and received two very different responses.

The question (only half jocular): Do you think it possible to die from morning sickness?

Mum (very worried): Red, you really have to make sure you are keeping fluids up, dehydration can be very serious, darling.

Cowboy (very not worried): No. I am sure you'll live.

Men!

28 January 2010

Spotting with Symptoms

Yesterday a familiar tragic meltdown occurred when I wiped and found blood. Minuscule amount though it may be, it is also too much like the familiar nightmare of my other misscarriages for me to take any comfort from the terrible nausea and other pregnancy symptoms I am still experiencing.

Because I am a sucker for punishment I have not booked my ultrasound for another week and a half (8w1d) even though I had the option of making it earlier (call me a pessimist, but I was not even sure I'd make it this far, let alone to 8 weeks, when I made the appointment).

So, looks like I just have to wait. I hate this bit.

27 January 2010

My nose

Pregnancy nose!! It is just as well Champ has learnt to use the toilet and I am not longer changing (and washing) stinky nappies.

Oh, did I tell you you we started toilet training? Did I complain about the trials and tribulations of getting Champ to do his business on a toilet?

No? Oh, that is because it was really a non event. He just agreed that he should stop wearing nappies, wear big boy jocks and tell Mummy when he needed to use the potty. And he did.

I really should write a book, except that it would just say 'Tell your child that nappies are for babies and now they are a big boy/girl now and need big boy/girl underwear. Then take them to the potty. Make a big fuss when they do anything in the potty. If they have an accident tell them calmly that Mummy doesn't want to see accidents, Mummy likes it when you tell her that you need to use the potty. Go on your merry way (nappy-less).' Do you think it will be a top seller?

Of course we still have occasional accidents (the kid only turned 2 last month!) but he gets about in big boy jocks all day everyday and I generally trust him to hold it until we get to the bathroom. Knock on wood, but we have never had a #2 accident. He even does it in the big toilet now. And that, my friends, means a lot less gagging from his pregnant Mamma!

23 January 2010

Score (Beta HCG)

I finally went back in to the doctors to pick up the results of my blood test from over a week ago. It is not that I am not thinking about this pregnancy every waking minute, just that I am still very hesitant to let any excitement take over my life.

So I got my Beta HCG score. At 4 weeks 5 days it was 2764, which I have compared a bit online and believe it it a very reasonable number. But as I found out this morning, I would need two blood tests to check the actual progress, which I don't have because I didn't know you would need two to check on the health of the pregnancy. In fact I didn't know that the blood tests I had last week even gave me a quantitative hormone test. I don't know much about this baby baking do I?

Meanwhile I am taking slight comfort from the very real and present nausea which is my constant friends these days. I have devised many wonderful games to play with Champ which can all be carried out with Mummy laying on the couch (special thanks to my sister who gave him his 'doctors bag' for his birthday; Mummy has had many blood pressure tests, stethoscopes, temp checks, needles and band aids applied lately).

My personal favorite is a game called 'pillows' where Champ takes every pillow off all the couches in the loungeroom, then proceeds to cover Mummy in them and runs around calling 'Mummy, where are you?' before uncovering me and starting again. I can almost nap during that one.

21 January 2010

Comments MIA

Just letting you guys know that some of my comments will not come up on people's blogs. I have typed many comments this morning and on about 3 blogs they just disappear. I am trying to figure out the problem, meanwhile, sorry, I am reading just not appearing to comment.

20 January 2010

Spotting watch 2010

Today is the point (5.5 weeks) in my pregnancy with Turtledove that I started spotting. That episode ended with me in the hospital the next night with a confirmed spontaneous miscarriage.

Today I am praying with everything I have that Lucky is strong and survives to join our family in September.

Today is also my 3 year wedding anniversary and we are going to the Botanic Gardens (where we got married) to see a Mid Summer Night's Dream be performed. Happy Anniversary my love.


Marriage is a promise between two people who love each other; and it takes a lifetime to fulfil.

17 January 2010

Whisperings

I awoke today, at 5 weeks into the pregnancy, to the familiar pregnancy feelings of aching hips, sore breasts, and the beginnings of vague nausea (I also ended last night with bloodied gums from brushing my teeth and blood on my tissue when I blew my nose). Of course I experienced all these symptoms with Muscles and still encountered the end of the pregnancy with empty arms.

So, far from shouting out my pregnancy symptoms from the tree tops, I am whispering them to my husband under the beds sheets.

14 January 2010

'Alone' again

Champ and I have nearly survived a week sans Daddy. Yes, my right hand man around the house is back at work. Those who have read my blog for a while may recall that Cowboy took a voluntary redundancy in the middle of last year. He then enjoyed months of being a stay-at-home-Dad-(with-wife-at-home-too) before deciding he had better search for work before it became an embarrassingly long break.

It did take him a little while, but I think it was less to do with the economy and much more to do with him enjoying surfing the net, playing with Champ and being preoccupied with his Masters studying (in that order). So, mere weeks before Christmas (the date his redundancy payment equalled what he would have earned in that time) he accepted a new job! He didn't actually start until this week though due to the summer break (and wanting to enjoy his last little bit of freedom).

So on Monday morning, Champ and I dropped him at the train station, waved goodbye and then looked at each other. 'So kiddo, what do you want to do today?'

Some parts of being the only adult in the house are immensely enjoyable (having the computer all to myself during nap times comes to mind).

Things are also a lot more organised. An extra adult in the house makes a lot more mess. Plus, me being the only one at home responsible for cooking, cleaning and washing means that I actually step up and do the tasks rather than sit back and assume he will do it while I am at playgroup with Champ. The result is that by 9.30 or so each day we have an immaculate house and fresh clothes hanging on the line outside. We'll see how long that part lasts.

It is also nice to miss Cowboy. I do recall someone somewhere once said 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' - I think they were on to something there. Cowboy also misses us a lot and actually ventured with me in to Champ's room last night to tuck him in before we went to bed; usually he just shakes his head and says 'If you wake him up...'.

The part I was dreading was the taking care of Champ alone again part. But that has proved to be not such a big deal. Of course the extra hands were handy when he was here especially when we arrive home from the morning's adventures at exactly Champ's lunch time ('Please help Champ to use the potty and wash his hands while I get lunch prepared'), but we are managing ok with just my hands at present.

Champ has also (surprise, surprise) grown up a lot in the 5 months since I took care of him full time solo. He can actually (shock, horror) do a little bit of independent play now. He also listens to instructions remarkably well, and even often responds appropriately.

All in all, this week has been a delight; if a little lonely of adult company.

12 January 2010

On a lighter note

After waking stressfully this morning, I have been taking my mind of my potential worries with some net surfing where I found these photos of Champ and I my friend had posted on Facebook from our Christmas gathering. He was telling me a story. He is an absolute born story telling and a budding comedian.

Here comes the punch line:

Dread

It is 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. It could be because yesterday was 44 degrees (111 F) and the night didn't cool significantly. But more likely it is because I woke up lying almost on my stomach and realised that my boobs no longer hurt. At all.

The last two days they have been hurting less and less, and that all encompassing pregnancy exhaustion has left me. I have been around this thing long enough to know that they are not good signs.

But the worst 'symptom' by far is that since yesterday I just haven't 'felt' pregnant.

Oh, I am so over this. Can't I get a break this time?

10 January 2010

Talking about boobies (TMI - sorry)

My breasts are sore! They have been for over a week actually, but they are getting sorer by the day!

I am not going to start jumping up and down about pregnancy symptoms thinking that they mean the pregnancy is progressing well. After how strong my morning sickness was with Muscles, my mind will not be put to rest by a bit of nausea.

However, in the last two pregnancies I have not had sore breasts. This only worried me mildly. I had only stopped breastfeeding Champ 2 months before falling pregnant with Turtledove, and, as recently as last month I was able to squeeze little drops of milk from my right breast at will. Thus, I put my lack of soreness down to them not needing to reestablish themselves because the ability to produce milk had never gone away. But a little part of me always worried that my breastfeeding would not go well since I didn't get the tenderness.

Now I am happy to report that my left breast is so sore that I could not possibly lie on my stomach and my right one is a little tender. I am not classifying this as a symptom that makes me more confident about the health of this pregnancy. That won't happen until (God willing) we make it to the 12 week mark and beyond. But I am more relaxed about my potential to breastfeed Lucky if we make it that far.

You see, I am not really a 'baby person'. Of course babies are adorable, especially once they are a few months old and have grown into their skin! I am more of a toddler person. I loved Champ as a baby. I love Champ even more as a toddler. The one thing that I miss from those baby days is breastfeeding.

Champ did feed a little into his second year. But toddler feeding is vastly different to baby feeding. I miss those long contented feeds, the closeness, the knowing that I was giving him the best start and I miss not having to do dishes after he had his lunch.

I can. not. wait. to breastfeed again. I never thought I'd be so happy to have sore boobies!

07 January 2010

12ww (no, that is not a typo)

I caved in today and POAS at 13 dpo. In true Lemoncake style it came up positive straight away. That's 4 pregnancies from 4 cycles for those keeping count (Cowboy is). BUT only one live baby (so far).

So, how do I feel?

No different to before the pee stick really. I 'knew' I was pregnant because of my exhaustion this past week, but that's still not the reason I am not jumping up and down and planning babysitting for Champ on September 21st (my due date). The reason is of course my recent experiences. I feel guilty for not being excited, but I just can't trust myself to have too much hope yet.

I know that not allowing too much hope in won't make it any 'easier' if I do miscarry this one. You can not hold life inside you without allowing hope to creep in the backdoor. I'm just not opening up to let it all flood back in, just in case I have to kick it all out in a few weeks. This song keeps floating into my head.

So to that end, I figure that my 2ww has become a 12ww. Once I make it to the end of the first trimester I will begin to believe that I may well hold my newborn in my arms in September.

I still wanted to 'name' this pregnancy. Because I don't think it is very optimistic to call it my 'maybe baby' even though that is how I feel, we settled on 'Lucky'. This is our third attempt to make Champ a big brother, third time Lucky?

04 January 2010

First time doubter

Yesterday I went to a baby store and bought a cot valance. No, this is not some round about way of telling you I got a BFP, just that I bought a safari themed piece of material to skirt the bottom of Champ's cot.

Yes, Champ is still in a cot. I will be keeping him in a cot until he starts scaling the sides of it, Mission Impossible style. He sleeps well in his cot. I want to keep it that way. Of course he can not stay in a cot forever.

When I set it up on the cot, Cowboy commented (somewhat sarcastically) 'Wow that looks great, I don't know how that cot ever did without a valance.'. I know it was a strange purchase, but I have had my eye on it ever since before Champ was born and MIL bought me a safari nappy stacker. I have since framed photos of elephants (from the 'Tawny Scrawny Lion' Little Golden Book) and have received a safari themed wooden height chart as a gift for Champ. So you see, we have a green and brown, safari themed nursery. I just couldn't bring myself to pay $50 for a piece of material for the bottom of the cot. Cue 'The Sales'! So I bought it.

Then I had a moment.

Champ will not be in a cot forever. Maybe I'll only get to use it for a short time. Maybe I'll never have another baby to use it.

I am sure that these thoughts have gone around the heads of many of you at times. This was my first time. My first serious doubts.

A bit emotional this week. I want to get back to my 2010 positive spirits.

03 January 2010

Numbers; 9 dpo

When do I dare test?

My stats:

I am only on CD20.

But I believe I ovulated CD12.

So I am now 9 DPO.

I have one POAS test left. I am superstitiously not buying a new pack because I don't want to test again until we are trying for number 3!

02 January 2010

Sleep overs

Champ had a sleep over at Cowboy's parent's house last night. He tends to sleep over at their house once a month or so, so everyone is pretty comfortable with the set up and everyone (especially Champ) looks forward to it.

Last night was different though. He usually sleeps over there when we have something to do: a wedding, 21st party, a musical, etc. Last night was a 'just because it is holidays' sleep over. Cowboy and I decided we had better go to dinner and a movie because otherwise we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves!

We enjoyed the dinner and a movie part, then when we were in the cinema parking lot, Cowboy said 'We aren't too far from my parents, want to call in and kiss Champ goodnight?'. I was strong and said that I'm sure everyone would be asleep so we should leave them.

So we got home and started creeping around the house like we normally would at 10 p.m., before we realised that there was no sleeping child to wake so we could talk in our normal voices! What adults we are!

Then we spoiled it by running around doing impersonations of our little man. As we got into pajamas, Cowboy lent on the bed posts kicking his legs behind himself saying 'shoota!' like Champ's soccer impersonation. Cowboy sneezed and I said 'Bess ooo, Daddy'. After a few more impersonations, we realised that Champ would have been asleep for hours by now so it was silly to miss him. But miss him we did.

Cowboy is enjoying the sleep in right now but my body clock woke me before even Champ normally does. Now I'm just waiting til his midday drop off time to see the little guy again.

Tomorrow night he is having a sleep over with my Mum. We were planning a quiet night in but I think we had better go out or we will be at our wits ends!