I have never been more excited to see blood on the toilet paper. Yes, my cycle is back. Almost exactly (to the minute) 28 days after I experienced my miscarriage I once again am bleeding.
I know that 4 weeks is not really a long time; but for such a regular girl, I hated not knowing when AF would arrive. Should have known she'd be on time.
I don't always believe in reading meanings in dreams and any other mystic messages, but I actually think this week I have had a bit of a cleanse since the loss of Turtledove.
Last week I planted the tree my Mum gave me, and whenever Champ and I are out in the garden we pass her by and I smile at her (and often shed a little tear while I watch my boy play).
Since then I had a very vivid dream (I think it was Sunday night). In my dream we were at my Mum's house in the kitchen all standing around in exactly the positions we were in the day we told them I was pregnant again. There were snakes everywhere. Someone (I think Cowboy) was teaching me how to hold the snake around the head so that it won't bite me. I can still recall the feeling of it's tongue bulging under my hand as it tried to stick it out.
Then I realised that one of my sisters had Champ in my Mum's room and she was trying to teach him how to hold the snake too. I was very fearful because I knew he wouldn't be able to hold it as hard as I could. My Mum also has a snake and was holding it by the tail with its head thrashing everywhere. I reached for it to stop it biting someone, but my hold on it wasn't great. It managed to get a little of its fangs into my hand, but not enough that the venom could come out. Then I woke up in a sweat.
I did some research into the meaning of dream. Apparently they can be phallic and represent fear (often together like in the case of abuse), sometime they have a cleansing element (like shedding the skin) and often appear in dreams when the person has successfully dealt with a difficult time. Putting all of the together, here is what I translate the dream to mean:
- Trying to hold back the toungue and bite of the snake makes me realise that maybe I wasn't as ok as I thought about having this pregnancy surprise me. I know that I gave Cowboy many mixed messages, and constanly asked him if we could have a baby, but I wasn't actually party to the decision to get pregnant right at that time. I think I felt a bit rail roaded.
- My fear for Champ with the snake seems a bot obvious, I really was worried about how the pregnancy and baby would have impacted him. I know that a sibling is a lovely thing to give a child, but I was was still worried about how he would cope short term.
- Finally, I think that over the last week I have come out of a bit of a funk. I still get sad when I think of what might have been, but it doesn't seem to spill over into everything else. I think that the dream was what made me realise this.
Although I am happy to be cycling again, each time I go to the bathroom I am reminded of this time four weeks ago. It makes me want to be sick when I remember those mixed feelings of hope and fear I experienced at that time. I just want to go back to myself four weeks ago and give that girl a big hug. And tell her that we will be ok.