Champ is a lover not a fighter.
Besides a brief 'pushing' period between 18 and 24 months where he would randomly push other kids over to see what would happen (Hhhhm, here's a kid learning to walk, I bet he'll take a great tumble; What about if I push the girl in the back rather than the front?; Let's see what happens if I push this much bigger child... oops, not doing that again!) he is really laid back when with other children. He is fortunately like his Daddy and is pretty happy to go with the flow.
He can be redirected very easily if another child takes the toy he is playing with. Just a simple 'How about you use the red car?' if a child steals the yellow truck will mostly always do the trick. My problem is, how much should I redirect him like this and how much should I stand up for him?
I don't want him to always miss out on the toy he wants just because he cries less than the other kid. Many other children his age are getting quite possessive and will yell and scream if made to give back the toy they have just snatched. If both parents are present and notice the snatch the other parent will generally ask their child to give back the toy to Champ, but if the child makes a fuss I ask Champ to use a different one and we all move on happily.
I am glad to see that he is only so complacent to a point though.
We have one little friend who is incredibly possessive, anything Champ (or any other child) touches, be it hers, Champ's or belonging to a third party, she will snatch it and if asked to give it back she will scream and clench her fists firmly refusing to give it back. If made to return it, she will tantrum for ages, never once forgetting the doll/car/book she wanted. It isn't really a criticism of the two year old, she will probably grow into a very determined adult who will be very capable because of her strong desire, but it is tough to be around for too long!
But anyway, if we are with this girl, Champ will back down, and back down, and back down. He will tolerate being redirected up to 15 or so times in one playdate. But then he gives me this look, and my heart simply breaks for him. His look says 'This is just not fair, Mum.' and he will be just as upset as the girl (justifiably so). It is usually this point that I do let him play with the toy and I try as hard as I can to redirect the other child.
So, I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I am someone who fights for what I want and I was probably just like his little friend when I was her age. Cowboy is like Champ and he feels that he missed out on a lot because he didn't stand up for himself. He doesn't want Champ to be quite so easy going and miss out on what he wants. I don't want Champ to feel like he missed out, but I just don't know that me standing up for him will teach him to stand up for himself.
Any suggestions ladies?
Protected: 10 months
4 years ago
Oh, gosh.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I don't know how to help, because I feel that Will is very similar. He does push or sometimes even lightly hit a child who is taking something he is actively playing with, but can also be very easily redirected. His best little friend is a girl that sounds very much like the one you are describing. She is a great, lovely child, but headstrong and goes after what she wants. Her mom is pretty good about stepping in, but a lot of the times, even I must admit, it's just easier to let her keep playing and redirect Will.
I guess if it's something that Will is actively playing with (and has just started playing with and has not been hogging) then I stand firm to make the other child pick something else. If he has had it for awhile, I might set the "timer" for two minutes and then they can trade (and then set the "timer" for another two minutes and trade back and forth until one or both gets bored - which more often that not happens before the second trade) so that no one gets the desired object for any length of time. I might also just get rid of the problem item altogether so that no one gets it (although seems a tad unfair to the kiddo that wasn't causing the problem, but might make the playdate stay on track).
Just some thoughts, but I'll be checking back to see what others have to say.
Oh, dear. I'm afraid I have the brash little tantrumy girl that you described, so my dilemma is exactly the opposite. If she intrudes or snatches and the child doesn't cry or protest, do I step in every time and cause a scene, or do I just pretend I didn't see it and let them work it our for themselves? Don't get me wrong -- I will step in if it becomes a pattern or if she gets rough (or if the other mother is watching -- hee hee), but doing so every time just creates a mess.
ReplyDeletePoor, sweet little Champ. If he is giving you the sad looks, I feel like you should step in. If he goes with the flow and moves on to something else, maybe it's ok.
Also, I have no problem raising my voice to older kids who push and jostle my little one at a playground. With kids her own age, I'm not so mama-bearish if she seems to be handling it ok.
That is such a tough call, I think many of us moms struggle with that. For me, it depends on the situation... are the parents strangers, or acquaintences, or good friends? Bean is so passive, he will almost always get toys taken away from him. I will sometimes step in, take the toy back, explain to the other kid that Bean was playing with it and they can have it when he's done. Among my closer friends, the moms all want the other moms to step in because they want their own kids to learn to share.
ReplyDeleteSorry, no easy answers. :/
Thanks for your comments. My Mum also thinks that it is just a dilemma most Mum's face (be it one side of the fence or the other). She thinks that, like most childhood problems, it will resolve when Champ is a bit older. That I should teach him to tell the other child that it was his turn if he really wants it. Then he is learning to at least speak up for himself. Adults will probably have to step in still, but if he has voiced his feelings it is more like him learning to stand up for himself rather then him learning that Mummy will stand up for him.
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