It is 2 days until the time I started spotting with Turtledove. I keep talking to this baby and willing it to stick around. I have been having nightmares about having the same outcome as last time.
Champ was pretty sick yesterday. He vomited in the morning, didn't eat and had a temperature all day. I knew it was just a bug or something, but when I put him to bed last night I was in tears of worry. It is probably just pregnancy hormones, but I kept imagining the worst would happen overnight and despite him sleeping 11 hours overnight, I tossed and turned with worry all night.
I always knew I would love my children. I remember a quote in a card my Mum sent me when I was pregnant about children being your heart walking around outside your body. I knew I would love them. I didn't realise just how much.
When Champ was born, for the first few hours I would say the key emotion was wonder. Cowboy and I were in awe at his tiny little body and were fiercely protective of him. Somewhere during that day I fell head over heels in love. I can only describe it as a love affair. So intense and all consuming. Like the start of a new relationship, forever.
So I knew that I would love my children. I also knew that kids take up a lot of your time. They need things done for them, but also require more attention than is even possible to give them. What I didn't know is the incredible amount of headspace Champ would take up. Whether we are together or not, he is there. I am always aware of him .
Champ is my everything. Now, God willing, my 'everything' is expanding.
My Mum often tells me that when she was pregnant with my sister she asked her Mum how she could possibly love another child since her heart was filled with love for me. As she was told, and then found out for herself, 'you don't love the first one less, your heart just expands to fit the next one in'.
I am sure my heart will expand to fit in this next little one. What I am worried about is my head. I don't know if I can cope with it expanding to allow more worry in.
3 weeks ago