I am not a doctor

Cowboy and I have decided to get down and dirty through my fertile time this month. I hate to think of it as 'trying to conceive' because I am worried that I will only set myself up for disappointment if I don't get pregnant straight away. The last two pregnancies have happened so quickly for us, but I can't shake this feeling that this time it might not happen so easily.

Maybe the miscarriage has changed my body. Maybe it has just changed my mind so that I am not so trusting of nature to deliver us a healthy child anymore.

I have read the statistics. Given that I have conceived and given birth to a healthy child and had 'only' one early miscarriage, I am at no more increased risk of another miscarriage than any other woman.

But I am still worried. I think it is a worry that won't leave until I am delivered another healthy baby. The statistics don't stop the worry. The statistics don't stop me itching to google 'secondary infertility' or 'multiple miscarriages' or any other 'useful', scary information the internet can give me in an instant.

Now that we are ready for another pregnancy, bad thoughts and ideas have been invading my mind. I am making up medical problems where hopefully none exist.

Just now I was thinking back to Champ's birth. I had a completely natural drug free birth with him in a birthing centre attached to a hospital. He was a very healthy weight (4 kg / 9 pounds) and everything was blissful for the first few hours. In the day or so to follow things went downhill quickly though.

After a few hours of lovely skin to skin contact with Cowboy and I, I noticed rash on Champ's head, groin and armpit when I was learning to change his nappy. Champ's temperature was also dropping and I sat with him under a heat lamp to try to warm him up. I remember commenting on how fast his breathing was, but didn't understand the importance of that until later. In the next 5 hours we had had multiple visits from paediatricians and blood samples confirmed that Champ had elevated CRP (indicating inflammation and is a marker for some diseases).

By the time Champ was 12 hours old we were transferred to the normal section of the hospital and further blood tests were taken to check growth culture of the virus (a 24-48 hours wait on the results). After much difficulty in finding a vein (we watched as the doctors tried both hands and feet before finding a vein in his arm), a catheter was inserted into Champ's tiny little arm, and held in place with a splint and tape. Antibiotics were then given through the catheter as a precaution to any viruses he may have had.

During the night Champ was moved to the nurses station for observation. I don't know how I allowed this to happen as it seems shocking to me now that I allowed them to take my baby, but I had not slept in 48 hours, so I was a bit foggy. Two hours later I was woken as a paediatrician observed him, his breathing was rapid but not exhertive. I was informed that Champ needed to be placed in the special care nursery.

During that night I expressed milk and took to Champ every two hours. He was on a drip IV fluid (dextrose and electrolytes) as he was dehydrated. By the third time that I got up to express and then feed him that night, I was informed that he had sicked up a lot of blood and mucous which had been swallowed during delivery. He had been moved to another room for patients who required less care, but connected to a heart rate and respiration monitor.

By 6 a.m. when I fed him, his breathing had normalised. By the time Cowboy came back to the hospital at 8.30 a.m. we were informed that an X-Ray would be taken and a paediatrician would do lumbar puncture to test for meningitis. Champ's CRP was still rising and they were concerned.

We left the room at 9.00am while they attempted the lumbar puncture. I distinctly remember the doctor saying that we should leave as it is something no parent should have to see done to her baby. They curled him up into a little ball and punctured his spine to draw spinal fluid. To this day I do not know how Cowboy and I left our baby in that room. I guess it was fear of what diseases he may have had that compelled us to do it.

The first attempt at lumbar puncture failed . The second lumbar was successful though cloudy with blood. By lunch time we were informed that the results were negative. It was not meningitis which would have been the worst case scenario.

For the next 24 hours Champ remained in special care, but his condition improved greatly. He was feeding well (although was still a sleepy feeder so I continued to express as well as feed him) and the IV fluid drip was removed. I was terrified when the respirator and heart rate monitor was removed, but the nurses assured me that they would still keep their eyes on him. He was in the room with such sick, tiny babies. There were babies in there that we born incredibly early and were so tiny. My 90th percentile baby looked so out of place.

Late in the afternoon, 36 hours after he was admitted, Champ was returned to my room! He still required the penicillin 12 hourly and gentomyacin 36 hourly which were administered through the catheter. Another day and a half later Champ's catheter leaked and the remained of the course of medicines had to be given intramuscularly as well as his blood taken to check CRP levels every 12 hours. It was so hard to watch my baby being turned into a pin cushion.

By day 5 Champ's CRP had dropped to half what it had been, however it was still remarkably high and we were told to wait another day in hospital. Finally exactly 6 days after the first signs of trouble, we were given the all clear to take Champ home. We were ecstatic!

We don't really know what was wrong with Champ in those early days. A big part of my theory has to do with the swallowed mucous. It stopped him feeding well which led to dehydration which explains the rapid breath and low temperature. The only unexplained thing in my mind are his CRP levels and the rash. However, if the other factors were not present, he would never have had his CRP levels tested and we may all have continued on our merry way.

Maybe.

Of course terrible things could have happened without intervention. We will never know.

Since I have been thinking about it is scares me that something happened to Champ while in my womb and that very something may have been what caused my subsequent miscarriage. See what I mean about making up medical problems? I have absolutely no medical basis for this self diagnosis! But it still worries me.

The possibility of becoming pregnant again has brought all of these miscarriage thoughts back to the surface. I have no doctor to ask about these things because we have never used a reproductive doctor. My GP is lovely, but can only assure me that the statistics are in my favour and that all I can do is get pregnant again to see how it will play out.

So that is the plan. Hopefully.