12ww (no, that is not a typo)

I caved in today and POAS at 13 dpo. In true Lemoncake style it came up positive straight away. That's 4 pregnancies from 4 cycles for those keeping count (Cowboy is). BUT only one live baby (so far).

So, how do I feel?

No different to before the pee stick really. I 'knew' I was pregnant because of my exhaustion this past week, but that's still not the reason I am not jumping up and down and planning babysitting for Champ on September 21st (my due date). The reason is of course my recent experiences. I feel guilty for not being excited, but I just can't trust myself to have too much hope yet.

I know that not allowing too much hope in won't make it any 'easier' if I do miscarry this one. You can not hold life inside you without allowing hope to creep in the backdoor. I'm just not opening up to let it all flood back in, just in case I have to kick it all out in a few weeks. This song keeps floating into my head.

So to that end, I figure that my 2ww has become a 12ww. Once I make it to the end of the first trimester I will begin to believe that I may well hold my newborn in my arms in September.

I still wanted to 'name' this pregnancy. Because I don't think it is very optimistic to call it my 'maybe baby' even though that is how I feel, we settled on 'Lucky'. This is our third attempt to make Champ a big brother, third time Lucky?