Disappointment
I see Champ, study his wide open eyes with his long eyelashes, kiss his perfect rosebud mouth; knowing how special he is makes me disappointed that I will miss out on meeting this baby who may have been so much like him.
Sad
I am feeling sad that Turtle-dove will never get to play in our house, receive our cuddles, meet her brother, feel our love. I feel like this at the strangest times. Yesterday I was at the shops buying groceries and we decided on burritos for dinner. I was getting excited as this would be Champ's first try of them and we had bought chocolate for dessert and it was going to feel like a really family night. Then I felt sad that the baby will never have a burrito night with us.
Relief
This feeling is the worst. I am relieved that I will have a while longer to get Champ into a bed, to toilet train him, that he will be a bit older and a bit more capable by the times another baby comes along. I am relieved that I will not be getting fat again quite so soon, that we will be able to have another family holiday while adults still out number children. I am relieved that I will be able to have some wine on our next holiday (to a wine-festival) and that I am back to drinking 'real' tea. I am received that I am not pregnant, just yet.
Guilty
So, obviously feeling all that relief leaves me feeling insanely guilty. What kind of a person am I to feel like that? How selfish a mother am I to feel like that?! I also feel guilty that I never really got excited about this pregnancy. With Champ, I wanted it with 100% of my everything. With this baby, my first thoughts were of Champ and of how difficult it all would be. Turtle-dove left us not ever really knowing our love and how much we would have loved her.
So, as you can see, lots of feeling is being dome at the moment.
Cowboy has been fantastic. He is letting me know his emotions too and is willing to listen to mine and just sit and cuddle me. But I must say, the absolute best medicine is this:
It's interesting that you mention the guilt aspect. Sadly, there have been several miscarriages recently on the parenting forum that I frequent. All the moms have mentioned feeling a bit of a relief that they can focus on their toddlers for a bit longer, a thought which then brings about guilt. But you did nothing to cause this to happen, and your reaction is entirely normal and natural as you go through the grieving process. Sending healing vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteOh, Red. I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. I completely understand the conflicting emotions. The most important thing is that you allow yourself to feel all of it. The conflicts will sort themselves out in time.
ReplyDeleteBut, of course, I want to echo CJ and say that you've done nothing wrong. Hugs to you.
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