I am back!

I have never been more excited to see blood on the toilet paper. Yes, my cycle is back. Almost exactly (to the minute) 28 days after I experienced my miscarriage I once again am bleeding.

I know that 4 weeks is not really a long time; but for such a regular girl, I hated not knowing when AF would arrive. Should have known she'd be on time.

I don't always believe in reading meanings in dreams and any other mystic messages, but I actually think this week I have had a bit of a cleanse since the loss of Turtledove.

Last week I planted the tree my Mum gave me, and whenever Champ and I are out in the garden we pass her by and I smile at her (and often shed a little tear while I watch my boy play).

Since then I had a very vivid dream (I think it was Sunday night). In my dream we were at my Mum's house in the kitchen all standing around in exactly the positions we were in the day we told them I was pregnant again. There were snakes everywhere. Someone (I think Cowboy) was teaching me how to hold the snake around the head so that it won't bite me. I can still recall the feeling of it's tongue bulging under my hand as it tried to stick it out.

Then I realised that one of my sisters had Champ in my Mum's room and she was trying to teach him how to hold the snake too. I was very fearful because I knew he wouldn't be able to hold it as hard as I could. My Mum also has a snake and was holding it by the tail with its head thrashing everywhere. I reached for it to stop it biting someone, but my hold on it wasn't great. It managed to get a little of its fangs into my hand, but not enough that the venom could come out. Then I woke up in a sweat.

I did some research into the meaning of dream. Apparently they can be phallic and represent fear (often together like in the case of abuse), sometime they have a cleansing element (like shedding the skin) and often appear in dreams when the person has successfully dealt with a difficult time. Putting all of the together, here is what I translate the dream to mean:

1. Trying to hold back the toungue and bite of the snake makes me realise that maybe I wasn't as ok as I thought about having this pregnancy surprise me. I know that I gave Cowboy many mixed messages, and constanly asked him if we could have a baby, but I wasn't actually party to the decision to get pregnant right at that time. I think I felt a bit rail roaded.


2. My fear for Champ with the snake seems a bot obvious, I really was worried about how the pregnancy and baby would have impacted him. I know that a sibling is a lovely thing to give a child, but I was was still worried about how he would cope short term.
3. Finally, I think that over the last week I have come out of a bit of a funk. I still get sad when I think of what might have been, but it doesn't seem to spill over into everything else. I think that the dream was what made me realise this.
   

Although I am happy to be cycling again, each time I go to the bathroom I am reminded of this time four weeks ago. It makes me want to be sick when I remember those mixed feelings of hope and fear I experienced at that time. I just want to go back to myself four weeks ago and give that girl a big hug. And tell her that we will be ok.

Legs eleven

Yesterday was a perfect Autumn day. Crisp, clean air with sunshine streaming every where, cool but not too cold for a play at the park.

So after a shopping trip for a beanie and bathers for Champ (impossible to find swimwear this time of year - does no one swim indoors in winter?!) as he had outgrown both recently without me noticing, we hotfooted it to a near by awesome park.

Unusually, for this awesome park, there were no other children around. Smart Mums, see?

The weather, as I said, was perfect park weather. Fresh, sunny, clean air. There were no other kids there because other Mums are smart enough not to bring their kids to the park when it has rained the night before. The place was wet!

The platform stairs contained little puddles in the centre of each one, the tunnel had gotten a good soaking overnight and the slide - saturated! Now, my little boy likes to climb the steps himself which requires his nose to nearly touch it as he hoists his little legs up on to it, he likes to crawl through the tunnel, and he likes, nay loves, to slide down the slide. So he did. Repeatedly.

These were his pants:

So, great Mother than I am, took them off as soon as he was done sliding and let him run back to the car in a parker, beanies and footy socks... and took out the camera as soon as we got back home:

Best part of my day

I already know that the best part if my day just happened - and it is only 1 p.m.!

While reading Champ his nap time story he lent in to give me a cuddle (which he has not been too fond of at bed time lately). I was warmed by his gesture and obviously he was warmed by my arms because after a couple of minutes of cuddling his blinking slowed, he visibly stilled and quietened. He fell asleep in my arms 'like a baby!

I couldn't help but sit for a while and watch him sleep. I have missed this. When he was breastfed this was a regular occurrence. I have really missed watching him fall asleep.

After a while of watching him, I made to stand up and put him in his cot and he clung closer to me. How lovely, he must have been in that half awake half asleep stage and still recognised that we were cuddling.

I put him into his cot and he sighed peacefully and rolled over to a go to sleep. Then I wanted him back in my arms. Maybe I should have just sat there for his whole two hour nap and cuddled him. What would have been the harm?!

Help: Fun sought

I am really struggling to entertain Champ (and not go mental myself) these days. A few hours some days are taken up by playgroup or playdates, but that still leaves about 10 waking hours each day to try to fill in.

As the weather gets cooler, the park is less and less appealing (wet slide, anyone?), Champ tears the library up in 5 minutes when we go to change books each week and his toys are often only appealing when Mummy sits to play too (even then we are both bored soon enough).

I take him swimming whenever he is well (not often this weather), to playcentres occasionally, and shopping whenever I can't avoid it, but these are pretty expensive activities and we just can't do them everyday.

Can anyone suggest some free/cheap activities Champ and I can do to keep me sane and tire him out?

It ain't always gonna be like this

I must keep reminding myself that life with Champ will not always be this frustrating, nor this wonderful.

• Champ will not always throw food all over the floor and upend the bowl all over his head (the bowl with the suction that is supposed to stop him tipping spaghetti everywhere).
• One day I will have to wake Champ up (repeatedly) in order to get him out of bed by midday rather than him waking me at the crack of dawn everyday.
• I will one day be able to give Champ a glass of milk and not turn around to see him painting the carpet with the drops of milk that flow out.
• Champ and I will one day sit and read a book without him pulling it out of my hands and turning the pages too fast for me to read a word.
• I will not always have to tell Champ not to swipe my face or slap me when he is excited.
  
• I will not always have a constant shadow who longs to be in his Mummy's arms.
• One day I will look back at Champ's finger painting and marvel at how small his hands were and how I used to love those hands clinging to me as I went about my daily business.
• I will one day remember Champ's smile as he played peek-a-boo from within the bathtub and miss moping up all his splashes.
• Champ will not always find such pleasure in a walk in the park nor such concentration over a stray flower on the lawn.
  
• I will not always be the only one that can soothe Champ when he is most upset.
• Champ will not always nearly trip over his little feet as they run as fast as they can towards me, arms in the air and excitement written all over his face when I get home at the end of the day.

Everyday I need to remember how lucky I am to be Champ's Mummy.

Bringin' sexy back

Thank you to the lovely CJ for this award:


I truly do not know if I am worth it, but I will gratefully accept it and follow the 'rules' by listing 5 sexy things about myself. Hhhhmmmm...

1. I have been pregnant, given birth naturally and breastfed for 14 months - and I still managed to get someone to try to knock me up a second time, I must be some hot stuff!
2. I like to give, but not receive (cryptic clue or TMI?).
3. I have a shake with my fries.
4. I asked my husband for some help with this one, and he shot back that I have a nicely cinched in waist (which I think is just because my bottom contrasts well with it).
5. Ok, really struggling now... I like to wear nice underwear and bras (although not often matching).
   

Will that do? I am exhausted.

Finally, I am supposed to pass this along to other bloggers who I deem deserving of this award:

I don't know if this is within the rules of the game, but I will return the compliment to CJ who indeed does pull off the Detroit Bad Boys t-shirt SAHM wear.

Also, this award will be passed on to Furrow and Coffeegirl who both comment on this blog which makes them worthy of an award in itself, but who are both also deserving of the sexy blogger award. Coffee girl is a librarian SAHM (Such A Hot Momma) and Furrow rocks both the corporate world and her daughter's.

Ok, I'm off for a walk to show off my little waist and shakin' butt.

Eyes, and ears, and mouth, and HONK

Champ is hilarious at the moment. A born entertainer.

Last night we were sitting on our cuddle pillow (formerly feeding pillow) before bed. He pointed to my eye and said 'Eye!' (with such a proud look on his face). Yes, baby that is Mummy's eye.

Then he moved his finger upwards and said 'Eyebrow!' Wow, two new words in 30 seconds, that is great!

Champ pointed to my nose. Wow this is going to be great, three new words!

Then, just like I say to make him laugh when he points to my nose, he comes out with: 'Honk!'

Note to self: be careful what funny noises you make when playing with children.

Gulping moments

I am generally feeling less sad now. My sadness over the loss of my Turtle-dove is more confined to moments in time rather than an ever present thing. Moments in time when I am reduced to a big gulping mess like when:

My Mum bought me a plant to plant for Turtle-dove
I love the idea, and will plant the tree with love, but I when I got home and put it in the backyard, I couldn't help but think: I don't want a plant, I want my baby.

Cowboy and I had our first romantic 'encounter' since everything
Just thinking about how it was the first time we had done it since conception, drove home to me that we had conceived a life. I wasn't just pregnant for a little while, I had made the start of a baby.

Cowboy suggested we plant Mum's tree next to the cubby house he is building
My Turtle-dove will be close to her siblings when they play.

Cue the tissues.

Sleepyhead

Not much sleeping is happening in the Lemoncake household. In fact I can't recall a night in the past month where Champ hasn't called out for attention. He has had a cold on and off for all of that time, and whenever he hasn't got a runny nose / nasty cough / temperature his teeth decide to start growing and he has swollen gums and a drool rash around his chin. Pretty picture, eh?

I am blaming all these external factors for his bad sleeping, but I do know that a certain amount of it is behavioural. But I really can't work up the energy to discipline him during the night when he is sick anyway.

I know that part of it is discipline because when Cowboy goes in to see to him during the night, he is silent and back to sleep within moments. When I go in he is sitting up in a flash with arms raised for a cuddle and the tears flow heavily if Mummy refuses. I can never refuse for long anyway, so we cuddle for about 10 minutes before he reluctantly lets me put him back in the cot and creep out. Most of the time he will then go back to sleep, with the occasional call out for another cuddle.

Champ has never had a dummy, but he has Sleepyhead (so named because he is a sleeping giraffe's head attached to a blanket). Oh, Sleepyhead, I love you. Champ will cuddle his little blanket with all of his might and suck on a corner/arm/horn/ear when he is distressed or tired. I dare say that Sleepyhead would come a very close second in the comfort stakes if it was between me and him.

When it became apparent that Champ was so attached to the little guy, naturally I went out a bought two more. Champ sleeps with one every night and sucks it when he wakes throughout the night. Each morning Sleepyhead is a soggy mess. I rotate them as often as I can manage. Mostly each day (occasionally I need to cheat and just dry one out on the heater and reuse for the following sleep).

I have recently been trying to do less washing, both for my sake and for the environment(weetbix stain on the collar? Wipe it off with a face towel and it can be worn again!) . This translates to running out of clean sleepyheads.

My lovely sister, let's call her Aunty Lotsatime, bought Champ (me?) two more Sleepyheads last weekend. Can you spot the new one below? Champ did. He 'tasted' each corner, arm and horn for 5 minutes before enquiring 'Sleepyhead?' throwing him on the floor and begging me for the 'real' one.

So, lovely readers, can anyone suggest a way of making new Sleepyhead feel/taste/look like old Sleepyhead?

(preferably without Cowboy and I sitting for hours sucking the colour and fluff from the new ones)

Sad

I have been going about my daily business.

I worked on Monday, got back just in time to feed Champ his dinner and get him into bed. I hosted a Breastfeeding Association meeting at my house on Tuesday morning, had my sisters over for afternoon tea in the afternoon. I took Champ to playgroup on Wednesday morning and we caught up with 2 of his little friends for a playdate in the afternoon.

All normal things.

But this week, I have been followed by a little grey cloud of sadness.

I haven't sat on my couch and cried til I was sore. I haven't called up sick for work. I haven't cancelled our usual playdates. I haven't sat thinking about life for hours on end. But I have been sad.

Everything I do, I just feel is a bit less colourful, a bit less vivid. It is like the colour has washed out a bit, and I am left with this constant little bit of sadness.

What would you have been like, Turtle-dove? Were you a boy or a girl? Would you have looked like me? Like your Daddy? Like your brother?

I wanted to feel you kicking in my belly. I wanted to give you cuddles. I wanted to be your Mummy.

How are you feeling?

I am not feeling too bad, mostly thanks to the best 'medicine' that money can't buy (see below). These are things I am feeling right now:

Disappointment
I see Champ, study his wide open eyes with his long eyelashes, kiss his perfect rosebud mouth; knowing how special he is makes me disappointed that I will miss out on meeting this baby who may have been so much like him.

Sad
I am feeling sad that Turtle-dove will never get to play in our house, receive our cuddles, meet her brother, feel our love. I feel like this at the strangest times. Yesterday I was at the shops buying groceries and we decided on burritos for dinner. I was getting excited as this would be Champ's first try of them and we had bought chocolate for dessert and it was going to feel like a really family night. Then I felt sad that the baby will never have a burrito night with us.

Relief
This feeling is the worst. I am relieved that I will have a while longer to get Champ into a bed, to toilet train him, that he will be a bit older and a bit more capable by the times another baby comes along. I am relieved that I will not be getting fat again quite so soon, that we will be able to have another family holiday while adults still out number children. I am relieved that I will be able to have some wine on our next holiday (to a wine-festival) and that I am back to drinking 'real' tea. I am received that I am not pregnant, just yet.

Guilty
So, obviously feeling all that relief leaves me feeling insanely guilty. What kind of a person am I to feel like that? How selfish a mother am I to feel like that?! I also feel guilty that I never really got excited about this pregnancy. With Champ, I wanted it with 100% of my everything. With this baby, my first thoughts were of Champ and of how difficult it all would be. Turtle-dove left us not ever really knowing our love and how much we would have loved her.

So, as you can see, lots of feeling is being dome at the moment.

Cowboy has been fantastic. He is letting me know his emotions too and is willing to listen to mine and just sit and cuddle me. But I must say, the absolute best medicine is this:

Bye-bye Turtle-dove

I left work early yesterday when my bleeding got heavier and some cramping started. After one painful internal examination, two blood tests and a three hour wait in emergency I was told that I was having a miscarriage.

Since then, the cramping has eased, the blood loss intensified and then eased, and my little Turtle-dove is no more.

Still bleeding, but hopeful

I have been bleeding for 24 hours now. That is a lot longer than I did with Champ. Over the 24 hours I have probably lost a bit over a tablespoon of blood. I only notice it when I wipe in the bathroom, it is not enough to actually hit the pad.

I called my family birthing centre where I am booked in, and they said to come in only if I have pad-fulls of blood, pain or cramping. As I have had none of these, I am still worried, but not in overdrive.

Also, I don't know if this is a cruel joke or a source of hope, but I have been feeling a bit of nausea. Not as much as I did at the morning sickness peak last time, but I do recall a slow build up to that level.

The midwife when I called said that the sickness is a very positive thing because it means my hormone levels are high. She offered that it could be implantation bleeding, but I didn't think that normally happened so late. I though it to be around the time of a missed period. But, even at 5.5 weeks, I am clinging to the hope that this one is just nestling in to Mummy's uterus now.