Mrs Lemon Cake

Dear Beatrice

2011-09-21T16:55:00.002+10:00

Dear Beatrice,

Happy 1^st Birthday my little love! I truly cannot believe how fast this year has gone, my baby is one today.

It has been a big learning curve year for me, getting used to life with two children and getting to know you and your own likes and dislikes. You have made it as easy as any baby could though as you have been a very happy, mild mannered baby.

You have won hearts everywhere you go, with your big brown eyes and your constant smile. You are completely treasured by Mummy, Daddy and Xavier and we just could not imagine life without you.

I am so happy to call myself your Mummy. I love that when you are tired or upset you find your way to my arms for comfort; you lie in my arms, so still, sucking your favourite thumb. No matter what I am doing with you, be it reading you a book or carrying you off for a nappy change, I cannot help but kiss your beautiful face and soft hair.

Whenever Daddy comes home from work you just light up and if you can hear his voice in the house you crawl as fast as you can to find him. He is completely putty in your hands too, little girl. Everyone can see in his eyes just how much he loves his little girl.

Xavier has found a best-friend in you. You two play together whenever you are awake & he is quite lost without you when you nap! No one cheers you up quite like Xavier. While I may cuddle you to stop your tears, Xavier has but to start singing “Happy and you know it” or dance a silly dance for you and suddenly the two of you are in fits of laughter together.

You have a way of making us all laugh, your current favourite being to show us your muscles by clenching your fists and gritting your teeth. We are all in hysterics and you and Xav play this game together for lengths of time all through the day.

It is lovely to watch you become more and more part of our family; as you have grown more and more competent at playing and moving around at will, I often have to search the house for you and find you happily playing with some toys (usually Xavier’s!) in one room or another. Your favourite things to play with right now are an etch-a-scetch (or any pens, pencils or textas left lying about) and a big box of plastic food which you feed to me, Xavier or any toy nearby.

You love reading books, although prefer turning the pages faster than I can read the words. Your favourite books are lift the flap ones, I am amazed how gentle you are and don’t tear the flaps.

I never tire of dressing you up in cute girly clothes, although most of your clothes are filthy now from either you independently feeding yourself or have filthy knee marks from you crawling everywhere. You also already love clothes, emptying your clothes drawers and playing with the contents whenever opportunity strikes.

You have been quite a good sleeper, although you peaked at 14 weeks when you would sleep 12-13 hours straight through the night. That didn’t last for too long and by 6 months you were up every few hours! Now at 1 year old you have two naps of about 1 hour 40 mins each and sleep 11-12 hours at night with one or two very quick wake ups for milk during that time.

You still drink quite a lot of ‘milk from Mum’ and I have no idea when you will decide to wean from me. You have a feed as soon as you wake in the morning, another at about 9.30 before your morning nap and then again at 1.30 before your afternoon nap. You have just given up your 4.30 one, so the next one isn’t til 7.30 before bed. You still wake for milk through the night once or twice too!

You do like food, although eat small quantities. Your favourite foods are from the protein family, with ham being the hands down winner! You eat 3 courses for dinner. At about 4.30 you start getting peckish so we sometimes sit outside on the swings with Xavier and each eat a mandarin fresh from the tree. When I am making dinner you want second course so I will steam you some veggies to eat while I cook. Your favourite used to be broccoli, but lately you can’t go by peas and will happily eat half a cup of them picking them up one by one from your highchair bowl. When we eat dinner you always eat what we are eating too (third course!). You have always fed yourself finger food and lately you have been getting very good at feeding yourself sloppy foods with a spoon.

Today on your first birthday you have 7 teeth (4 at the top and 3 at the bottom). You haven’t fussed TOO much as they cut, although you do drool a lot and get high temperatures for a few days as each tooth comes through.

You have quite a vocabulary, although it is the ‘only a Mother can understand’ type as yet. Your first ‘word’ was Big Brother (bababa), followed closely by Fish (fsh) and Bird (ba-d). You also love pointing out Babies (ba-ba) wherever we go.

You are quite the little Mummy, adoring the home corner at playgroup and love playing at feeding your dolls (or Mummy) already! For your birthday Daddy restored a vintage 1950’s pram and Mummy made a hood for it and blankets for your dollys. You love it and we know whenever you play with it as we can hear ‘bababa, bababa’ as you tend to your ‘baby’.

Beatrice, you have already given our family so much joy, happiness and laughter. We are so blessed to have you in our lives, our sweet girl. I look forward to seeing what this next year will bring and know that with your smiling face as part of our family of four, life will continue to be this wonderful.

Love,

Mummy

Could I love these kids any freakin' more?!

2011-03-27T11:39:00.003+11:00

Have had a 'real' post brewing in my mind for days but too busy lovin' on my kids (oh yeah, and cooking, cleaning, changing napies and playing 'shopping').

Different children; different love

2011-02-02T09:17:00.002+11:00

Just for the record, I adore my children. I think that Champ is the most intelligent, funny, adorable, handsome little boy that has ever walked the planet; I think Peaches is the cutest, loveliest and most beautiful little girl ever to have existed. I love them both and could not choose one I love more than the other. Yet I love them differently.

For Peaches I have this slow burning, constant, strong love. For Champ I have a fierce kind of love. I don't know if the difference is because of their ages, gender, temperament or birth order. Although I think maybe the latter two are more the likely to be the cause.

Champ, being my first born, I fell head over heels in love with. I had never experienced a love like that before. Because it was only him and me most of the time, I was able to devote my entire being to him. Obviously it is different with Peaches. I have other responsibilities so I can not spend all day admiring her soft rolls of flesh and marvelling at each new milestone of development. Yet I do cuddle her so much of her day and find myself absentmindedly kissing her as I play with Champ or go about our daily business.

Peaches is just so easy to love. She feeds well (and often during the day), she sleeps perfectly for both naps and nighttime and she is generally content to fit into our daily routine whether it be her needing to play by herself on the floor as I cook or clean nearby or spend the best part of the day being transported around with us on our various activities. She is a golden child. I think of her as my 'gift' for the journey I had to travel to have my second child.

Champ has challenged me every step of the way. He also fed well (day and night!), but tortured me with sleep deprivation (even now he often calls out for company during the night) and has always wanted so much attention during the day (although we are finally starting to learn the meaning of 'independent play' even though he still likes my company nearby when he does!). For all that he challenges me, I love him more!

It is amazing that two children brought up in the same house can be so different. I love their uniqueness and I just love them each so much in my own way, albeit differently.

My kids :)

2011-01-19T10:22:00.000+11:00

Where did those 2 months go?!

2010-11-14T10:41:00.003+11:00

Just checking in with my blog - I have been reading all of your blogs from my phone as I settle Bea but I can't comment from the phone unfortunately.

We are doing well. Much better than we did for the first 6 weeks! I think the adjustment to having 2 kids is bigger than from none to 1! I really was a bit of a mess the first 6 weeks. I was a bundle of anxiety over her sleeping. I think it was much more to do with how Champ slept (or didn't) once he came out of the sleepy newborn stage and I was so anxious that little Miss would do the same.

Thus far though, she has proved to be a very calm little girl and even gives us the odd 8 hour stretch of sleep! Most nights she will go down at about 8 and then sleep til anywhere from 2 to 4 which is great for a 7 week old. SHe then settles back to sleep after a very quick feed and does another 4 hour or so stretch. Daytime sleep is another issue however, with her preferring the sling to ANY other method of sleep.

Quick picture post

2010-10-27T08:17:00.000+11:00

She's here!

2010-09-25T09:36:00.002+10:00

Just a quick update:

Our beautiful daughter Beatrice was born 21 September at 9.47 am weighting in at 8lb 2 oz.

We had a 12 hour stop-start labour which ended with an hour of gas to finally get me those last 2 cm dilation. She was born naturally and came out screaming.

We are now at home and enjoying the start of a breastfeeding relationship which is taking up my every waking thought. Engorgement and cracked nipples at the moment but we are working together to get it right.

The hardest part is Champ. I want to play with him and be a good Mum, but am tired and sore and my emotions are all over the place.

Overall though we are besotted by our two lovely children and happy but tired.

Nought

2010-09-16T08:09:00.002+10:00

Move it along people, nothing to see here.

My due date has been and gone and I am trying to be grateful for the extra sleep I am getting, grateful that my baby girl is still where I can't hear her cry, don't have to change her nappy or split my time between her and her brother.

Each day my dirty washing basket gets emptied and all the clean clothes put away (thank you Spring time!), my freezer gets more and more stocked and my house is cleaned and polished. Each day it is all for nought as she doesn't arrive.

'Still' here

2010-09-10T07:53:00.002+10:00

I am 'still' here and Lucky is 'still' in my tummy.

I say 'still' because I haven't actually reached my due date yet, still half a week til then.

I promised myself this time that I would expect to go late so as to avoid this frustration of being in limbo waiting on her. But of course now that we are pretty much ready and I am not up for taking Champ out too much, and I don't feel I can plan anything past the next few minutes I am frustrated!

I have started getting twinges each night and so each night Cowboy and I kiss each other goodnight and say to get rest because tonight could be the night, and then morning comes and nothing.

So despite not even having reached my due date, I feel like we are 'still' here, ready and waiting.

Legs crossed

2010-08-29T06:54:00.002+10:00

Well, here I am, full term and thoroughly 'over it' but still enjoying the relative serenity of only having one child to physically take care of day to day.

Up until last week, I was doing pretty well I think. I was still taking Champ for outings most days and feeling pretty good in general. Almost exactly as I hit 37 weeks I suddenly feel like I can not do anything much at all. An attempted walk to the (very close) local park on Monday left me breathless before I even started pushing Champ on the swing and Thursday saw me skip music class so we could just play on the floor with Champ's toys all day. As Cowboy says though 'I don't blame you hun, you are about to pop!'.

And about to pop I certainly am. This baby is lower than I ever remember Champ being. I fear she is about to take up residence in my boots. I am BH-ing all over the place with the occasional 'real' contraction thrown in just for fun.

BUT, the nursery is not ready (or even finished being painted) so I am hoping to keep her on the inside for at least another week! Add to that the enjoyment I am getting from spending lots of one on one time with Champ and my legs are firmly crossed.

Champ making me smile

2010-08-10T09:31:00.001+10:00

These song lyrics make me think of Champ every time I hear this song. You make me smile kiddo - and fall out of bed on a regular basis, and crazy in my head some days!

Baby name decided - clue for those who want it!

2010-07-31T07:39:00.004+10:00

Champ decided on Lucky's name months and months ago, but Cowboy and I have still been searching through baby name books and websites just to make sure our original choice still sounded the best to us. Luckily, after all that searching, Champ's favorite won (or else I think he would have still called her by this name anyway!).

Want a clue? My family don't. Since we told them the gender this time they want some surprises kept until she is born. But in case you don't care for surprises, without further ado, here is my clue...

"...there was a star danced, and under that was I born."

My boys

2010-07-29T15:12:00.002+10:00

My heart beats for you.

Cheeky little miss and Mumma's kitchen

2010-07-24T09:19:00.002+10:00

I was thrilled when a few days after I posted about Lucky lying across my belly, I experienced the very strange sensation of her turning down. Or so I thought. At my 33 week check-up the midwife wasn't so sure. She seems to think my cheeky little Miss my have headed up rather than down.

However, the little minx is making it hard to be sure, because her back is along my back. Sigh.

We have 3 more weeks for her to get into position before taking steps to either turn her manually or book me in for a c-section (which scares the heck out of me far more than natural childbirth, although my Mum has made me promise that if she is breech I do not attempt to birth her naturally as it is 'just not worth it').

In other Lucky news - the kitchen is open. Mumma's milk is here and ready waiting. Shame I can't yet say the same about your nursery or my hospital bag.

The long and the short of it

2010-07-16T08:15:00.002+10:00

9 weeks to go.

It feels so exciting that in only 9 weeks I will be meeting my daughter.

It seems and eternity to be pregnant for another 9 weeks.

It is frighteningly soon that I will have two children to care for and vie for my attention.

Sense of direction

2010-07-08T07:38:00.004+10:00

Lucky seems to have Cowboy's direction sense - not much. At 30 weeks she is still lying across my belly and kicking me mainly way, way down low.

Over the weekend Champ proved he has much better direction sense while we were at a miniature railway. After going past a 'Percy' (a green miniature steam train) while on the 2 km track and departing the train no where near 'Percy', he zoomed off in the correct direction to get a closer look at his find. He, at least, has his Mummy's sense of direction.

Bribery and corruption

2010-06-14T09:32:00.002+10:00

Eat it at the table kiddo.
Please use your spoon, ah-ah, for eating not painting the table.
Last chance!
Come on, quickly to the toilet and you can watch Sesame street.
Champ! That's enough toilet paper.
Help me get your shoes on.
Please don't fight me.
If you are fighting me I will have to turn the TV off. Please help me get your shoes on.
Mummy will have to go to playgroup without you if you can't help me get you ready.
5 minutes and the TV will need to be off.
3 minutes.
Ok, this is the last song, then please help me to turn the TV off.
Well I am going to playgroup without you then.
Ok, into the car...
Now, please...
No! No jumping in the puddles, you don't have gumboots on.
Champ!
Into the car, now, please!
Ok, have fun, Mummy will get in the car. See you soon.
Great, thanks. Uh! No hitting Mummy, gentle please.
Now please be gentle at playgroup. Remember no hitting or pushing or we have to go home.
That's right gentle or there is no more playtime.
Champ! I said sharing with your friends please.
Remember to be gentle or we have to go home and have no more playtime.
Ok, Champ into the car.
Come on. Lunch time when we get home.
Champ, do you want to peel an egg when we get home?
Thank you.
No, it is not time for you drive, Mummy will drive.
Well, do you want to stay in the car or do you want to eat your egg?
Yes, you can peel it yourself.
No, no apples for lunch.
Champ! Put the apple back. You can have it after lunch.
Ok, 5 more minutes play time then time for the toilet before bed.
Champ, come on off to the toilet now.
Champ?
Champ, look big bird wants to watch you do your wee wee on the toilet.
Yes, big bird is so proud.
Ok, all done on the toilet?
I think you are all done.
Come on, all done, lets read some books in bed.
No, no more books on the toilet, bed time.
I can hear teddy calling you from your bed.
Hey, wait! Big boy jocks back on before bed please mister.
We will read 3 books, ok?
Yes, they can all be Dr Seuss.
Ok, last book.
No, that was the last one.
Time for prayers and Mummy will sing you your lullaby.
Yes I will stay with you until you are asleep.
Champ, I am saying your prayers, no talking please.
Ok, if you are going to keep talking Mummy will have to go to the lounge room.
I can only stay with you if there is no talking.
Goodnight I love you too, mate.

Is it any wonder I fall asleep during his nap time before he does?

I wish I didn't have to bribe/threaten/coax every action every step of the way. Champ is actually a very good and generally co operative kid for his age, but sometime I just wonder 'Why can't you just do what you are asked to do? The first time?' before the bribes and the threats have come out. At least I haven't had to resort to pleading with him yet. Still, having to distract and coax all day every day, it's exhausting!

Champ update

2010-06-08T09:00:00.004+10:00

We are all getting a lot more sleep in the Lemoncake household lately (knocking frantically on wood). I helped our sleep issues the way I prefer, with a bit of patience and a lot of communication.

One afternoon, I told Champ that we would have to move the mattress from his room because Mummy had to sleep in Mummy's bed. He helped me do this and I told him that I would stay with him until he fell asleep, but then I would go to Mummy's bed and if he needed me he could call me and I would hear him.

That night I did as I promised and he woke a couple of times. Each time I told him that I would stay with him until he fell asleep but that Mummy had to sleep in Mummy's bed. I was very boring and only replied with a soft 'sssshhh' to any talking as he fell back to sleep.

It only took a couple of nights before I wasn't getting called to his room anymore! I now explain to him each night just before we say our prayers that I will stay with him until he falls asleep and that if he wakes up through the night he should cuddle Sleepyhead (his comforter) and close his eyes and go back to sleep.

Aaaaahhh. A good night sleep was what we all needed! He does still wake occasionally and I will go in and follow his request of 'Mummy stay wif me'. But most nights we are getting through without a call out.

Anyway, all that could change as we are in the process of converting the back room into his bedroom. I am nervous and excited. It is quite far from our bedroom and a very big room for a little boy (bigger than my lounge room actually!). But I am so excited to be choosing paint colour and curtains for him.

When he was born, Cowboy and I lived in a one bedroom inner city apartment so my nursery planning went only so far as dedicating a corner of our room to his cot and our lounge room to his change table. Now, to be looking at themes and colour swatches for both my kids at once is very cool. Champ's current bedroom will become Lucky's and since we didn't re-paint it prior to moving in here we are getting new paint and curtains for her too. I'll post picture once the rooms are done, but for now we are thinking 'Robin's Egg blue' paint for the walls with grey striped curtains for Champ and a violet and white colour scheme for Lucky.

Champ is getting very excited to meet his 'little sister'. He has no concept that there are still 99 days to go (as of today!) but can see my tummy getting bigger and he loves to talk to her and tell her what he is doing ('I'm eating my toast, baby. When you get bigger you can drink milk from Mummy's boobies.').

I am finding each age with him more and more enjoyable. He is now my little companion while I do everything. He loves nothing more than to 'help Mummy' with anything from hanging laundry (which he can do surprisingly well on the clothes horse) to fetching ingredients for me as I cook (in exchange for occasionally being allowed to stir the food for me).

He is getting so independent, only requiring my presence when he goes to the toilet, pulling down pants and getting on to the seat himself, climbing down and washing his hands neatly without any reminders.

I know it will all change once Lucky is born, if only temporarily. I will not have the time to let life go slowly at his pace and he will likely rebel against all the time I have to devote to her and regress a little himself. But I know it will only be for a little while, and am glad for the larger age gap I have (unwillingly) got between the kids. He is 2 and a half this week (where has the time gone?!), and will be 2 and nine months by the time Lucky arrives. A bigger age gap than expected, but I think it is perfect.

I parent my kid to sleep

2010-05-20T08:12:00.003+10:00

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I have been reading your blogs, keeping up on your news, but not commenting or updating my own blog. Sorry, I'll try harder.

All is well in Lemoncake land. Lucky is turning out to be just as active as her big brother and already giving me kicks that Cowboy and Champ can feel (and see as of last night!).

She is really active at about 7 in the morning (just as Champ wakes up) and then intermittently through the day, she is quiet when Champ takes his nap but then gives me lotsa good kicks when he sits on my knee straight after his nap. She is her most active at about 8 in the evening after we have put Champ to bed, and then is really, eerily quite all night. I am hoping and praying that this is a pattern she will continue once she is born (surely I am due for a 'good sleeper' this time?)!

Champ is still a rockin' little Mummy's boy and the delight of my world. He is however having some issues transitioning to a big boy bed.

The whole transition started wrong. He was going through a 'bad sleeping' patch where he would wake through the night and scream for me, and only me. If Cowboy walked in to the room he would yell 'Daddy go out the door. I want Mummy!' and scream til I came in, re tucked his sheets and offered him water, or even just said 'sssshhhh, sssshhh' and left. Repeat this every hour or so and we were going crazy.

Since we had just received delivery of his big boy bed and two mattresses, I thought my life would be easier if I put one mattress on the floor in his room so that I could sleep on it for a few nights and be ready to 'ssssshhhh' him without getting up. I figured he was just so wakeful as two of his two year old molars were coming through and soon we would get back to normal.

What I didn't anticipate was him seeing the 'big boy bed' with the only single bed sheets we have (soccer ball design) and wanting to sleep in the 'soccer ball bed'. After him screaming for the soccer ball bed for an hour one nap time and then sleeping in it for 3 hours, I relented and let him sleep there that night.

He was sleeping better in it, but I had to stay there until he fell asleep and then again when he woke through the night (usually when he crawled out of it by mistake and lots his blankets. To solve this problem we set up his bed including the bed rail on the non-wall side. This solved the crawling out of bed problem but it was too hard for me to climb in and out of to settle him, so I put the second mattress on the floor just next to his bed. Problem solved.

His cries soon became 'Mummy sleep on this one' referring to the mattress next to him. I would fall asleep on this mattress while he fell asleep at 8 pm and then wake at about 11 to climb into my own bed. Until he called out a few hours later because I was no longer where he thought I would be.

So that is the story of how our independent self settler became a two year old who needs to be parented to sleep and have his Mummy sleep in the room with him all night.

I keep changing my mind as to my next course of action. Right now, I have a terrible cold so I am just sleeping in his room where I get 11 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but no adult time at the end of the day.

When we are both fully recovered I will probably enlist his help to 'pack up Mummy's bed because Mummy has to sleep in her bed now' and we can do some role play with leaving teddy in the soccer ball bed after some songs and prayers and we wait in the lounge so we can hear if he needs us.

On the other hand, we are moving him to his new bedroom in about a month (once the curtains are up and the room transformed from a junk/study/playroom to a toddler bedroom) and I don't know if I should wait to do the big change then...

The one thing I know is that I am not a cry it out kind of Mum. I parent my kid to sleep. The downside is bouts of broken sleep. The pay off is lots of extra Mummy-cuddles and the warmth of a toddler. Seriously, feeling your not-so-baby's breath against your cheek as you sleep, aaahhh.

And when I lack resolve to do it this way, the way that feels natural to me, I just remember my Mum. She parented us to sleep for years. I am talking years and years of rubbing backs, singing songs and inviting us into her bedroom through the night. And she never regrets a single moment. I mean how could you?

Belly comparisons

2010-04-27T13:21:00.003+10:00

Lucky is nearly half way through baking and I am finally starting to feel a little normal again. I haven't been actually sick in a few weeks and I only really get nauseous if I let myself get too hungry or I eat chocolate (seriously, my daughter hates chocolate!). I am however still chronically exhausted. I am sleeping insane hours and still waking up tired. But maybe that is just part and parcel of having a toddler while pregnant.

I have been feeling guilty because we took so many belly pics with Champ but, until last week, not one with Lucky. For the first trimester it was more about protecting myself. I didn't want belly pics lying around if this pregnancy had gone the way of my last two. And recently I have been too sick and tired to actually be dressed and bother taking a photo.

I figure if she ever asks for pictures of me while pregnant with her, I will do one of two things: a) explain that she made me sicker than her brother ever did so he got more pics than she did; or b) lie and show her the ones of me with Champ.

But out of curiosity, I got Cowboy to take a photo for me last week so I could compare them. Sorry, I am not going to show the side on ones of me with just a bra on which is the only comparable angle we have. But, you can compare these photos of me fully dress, albeit not on a comparable angle and with me slightly further along now than in the pic with Champ.

With Champ at 18 weeks (at a masquerade party):

With Lucky at 19 weeks (last week):

Just to show that my belly is bigger than my boobs!

Surprised by the expected ("It's a...")

2010-04-21T13:40:00.002+10:00

Our big ultrasound went wonderfully. Lucky is doing perfectly and measuring to be due 15 September (Champ is 15 December so if I go on my due date it will be easy to remember my kid's birthdays).

We did find out the gender. We kept trying to direct Champ to look at the screen to see his 'baby brother or sister', so the technician asked if we wanted to know if it was a brother or sister. Looks he will be a doting big brother to a little sister.

Even though I had a hunch I was having a girl all through the pregnancy, it was still a little bit of a shock.

A girl.

One of each.

Pigeon pair.

I can't get the song from Annie "Little Girls" out of my head. Some women are drippin' with diamonds, some women are drippin' with pearls; Lucky me, lucky me, looks what I am drippin' in... Little girls! Well, only one little girl, but if my family's baby shopping spree doesn't end soon, I imagine I'll soon feel overwhelmed by all the pink, dolls and frills.

Gender neutral

2010-04-18T13:45:00.004+10:00

Gender. It's not important. What is important is a healthy baby. But of course the gender of your child does have consequences slightly more important than just the colour of your nursery.

We didn't find out Champ's gender before he was born. I wanted the surprise. I was told it would get me through labour wondering if the baby I was pushing out was a boy or a girl. I can tell you that I did not once in those 24+ hours of actual labour ponder the gender of our baby. I just wanted it out.

We were so indifferent to Champ's gender that we forgot to check under the towel for a few minutes as we exclaimed over his every little facial feature. Well, we were indifferent; until I checked and told Cowboy that he had a son. The look on that man's face told me he wasn't as indifferent as we had made out. I will never in all my years forget that look of overwhelming pride and joy on my husband's face.

In two days we have our big scan for Lucky. We are seriously thinking about finding out the gender this time. No real reason. Just to do it differently; see which we we like better. But of course you can't 'undo' being told. So we are still not 100% sure we will find out.

With Champ I 'knew' he was a boy. The entire pregnancy I was convinced he was a boy. That didn't stop me secretly hoping for a girl. That is a terrible thing to say, I know. I am the oldest of 3 girls and by the time my brother came along I was too old to 'play with the baby', so my experience is mostly with girl babies.

That is probably the reason we didn't find out his gender. I knew I would be disappointed if at the 20 week scan I was told I was having a boy. But after the birth, and holding your baby in your arms, there is no way you could feel one ounce of disappointment. All I felt at meeting Champ way pure love. I literally fell 'in love' with him. Now, I don't know if that happens when you have a girl.

This is why I am contemplating finding out Lucky's gender. I will not feel disappointed if Lucky is a boy or a girl. In fact I want both. I want a brother for Champ and I want a girl to dress up.

I know the absolute joy that a son is. People say that sons grow up and move away to their wives while a girl will always come back home to Mummy, but in these early years having a son is pure joy. Champ is a little comedian, he is bright and energetic and he loves me with an absolute passion. Little boys tend not to hold grudges or get nasty with each other. And who wouldn't want a ton of little Mummy's boys?

Of course I wouldn't mind some of our cars, trucks and balls being replaced by dolls and whatever else little girls like to play with (can you tell I am the mother of a boy?). And I adore girl's clothes much, much more than boy's. I would also like to have a daughter who will someday marry and have babies.

But these are all very general and quite sexist things. Champ enjoys playing with soft toys and dancing to music just as much as girls at his age do (loves the soft toys and tea parties actually!). And who is to say a little girl wouldn't insist on wearing pants and climbing trees - even chose not to marry and have children. Champ and his brother my be chalk and cheese; he and his sister may end up best of friends. There are no guarantees about anything.

I have learnt more about myself and about children in the last few years. I am proud to honestly say that I am actually indifferent to the gender of my child now, and would be thrilled if my future kids photos looked like either of these pictures below.

Champ and Lucky as best buddies:

Or Champ doting on his little sister, Lucky:

So now all I am hoping for Tuesday is for the scan to show me a healthy baby. But for the record, I want to know your guess as to the gender of Lucky...

The good bits

2010-04-12T14:25:00.006+10:00

I was probably being too harsh in my last post about our overseas adventure. There were good times, it has just taken me a week of recovery (and scrolling through the photos) to remember them.

We did enjoy our island getaway despite Cowboy not being 100% (we didn't know then just how bad he was). Champ loved the beach and the pool, and the resort had great kids entertainment sessions like pizza making. It was totally luxurious and I was only a tad put out by being the one who was running around after Champ most of the time, we didn't get any nights off either because Champ was super clingy overseas. I guess all the changes in one go made him want to cling to me as a piece of 'normal'.

We also enjoyed meeting Cowboy's family. I had met some of the cousins who have ventured to Australia in the last 8 or so years, but unlike his Australian family, Cowboy's Filipino family is huge! The day of my father-in-law's birthday celebration Champ didn't eat a single thing all day because all he wanted to do was run around with his newly found cousins. He was the absolute favorite; it was a mix of being new and different, his inherent cuteness and being the only male who can one day produce more little babies. Champ is the last of the family line (in name anyway).

The surprising bonus about Cowboy getting sick is that I got a free ultrasound! Despite the hospital being officially closed, Cowboy's uncle is a consulting doctor and used to run the whole hospital when he was younger, so Uncle opened up the hospital for us and got Cowboy seen to. He also consulted with an OB who he trained up from scratch many moons ago. I casually said I wish I knew the baby wasok after being so close to Shingles and before I knew it I was on the table with machines set up beside me.

I am very grateful now for the level of technology in Australia. I never knew the almost primitive technology some countries have to put up with. Firstly, I wasn't able to see the ultrasound screen like I can when I have them done here. They also asked Cowboy (being male) to leave the room, which luckily he refused to do (indeed!). They then wanted to wand me before I insisted that at 17 weeks I am sure external would do (I won that case also).

Finally, they announced that I was measuring 14 weeks. I told them that I was 16 but had been measuring 1 week ahead at each ultrasound. The doc assured me that this was fine to measure 14 weeks because the calculations are give or take 2 weeks. Give or take 2 weeks... In Australia it is accurate give or take 2 days!

I was so upset by the news that she agreed to measure the head individually as it is more accurate - 17 weeks. And the torso - 17 weeks. Oh, whoops, the baby was on a funny angle earlier so we were only getting about half the back in the measurement... Ok, lucky I was forceful enough to ask for a second measurement or I would have walked away in a panic as many Filipino women probably would do.

Then the final 'thank-goodness-my-medical-tests-are-in-Australia' moment. I asked the gender. 'He he he, no it is far to early to tell. We can't tell via ultrasound.' At that point I took my blurry ultrasound images and thanked then immensely for their help. I am now very happy to be back in Oz and I have my bigultrasound set up for next Tuesday. Phew!

Here are a few pics of the good times (plus a bit of baby bump):

In transit - exhausted:
What do you mean I can't fly the real plane?
Finally done with the first 3 plane trips - now just a short walk, a boat and a car...
The boat trip - are we there yet?!
Finally - paradise:
At sunset with his grandparents:
Pizza making in paradise:

You can seen my growing baby bump here:
Champ with his great grandmother and his cousins:

Lessons learnt

2010-04-07T08:12:00.004+10:00

The lemoncake family have returned to Oz. There's no place like home, there's no place like home...

I learnt a few things while we were away:

1. When your 2 year old falls into an on-and-off broken sleep on an overnight international flight and just needs your ssshhh-ing to get him back to sleep each time, try to resist the morning sickness and do not leave your seat to throw up in the toilet or you will pay the price with a screaming child and then an awake-after-only-6 hours-sleep toddler for the rest of the flight.

2. If your husband complains of headaches and a very sore 'pimple' on his forehead and is so not himself just before leaving on a holiday, consider getting it checked out before you get to your remote island holiday where you will not find a doctor for a few days.

3. A husband with Shingles living in hotel-close confines with a toddler and a pregnant woman is not a good combination.

4. When you are tired and you toddler 'needs' to eat and sleep in a semi regular pattern or he is off the wall, do not rely on family to show you around their home city - you will end up in bed most nights after 10pm and still up with a grumpy child at 6 am each day, everyday.

5. I should have given my boy more credit than I did, I was so worried about how/when he would sleep and yet I found that he could actually fall asleep anywhere if tired enough - even on a jeep ride, then transfer to a speed boat, then sleep in your arms all through an airport check in.

6. Bring more clothes on a plane for your toddler then you believe he could ever need to wear. Even if he didn't need them on the flight to overseas, on the way home he may wet through his entire outfit (even though he has been 'dry' for months), spill coke on another and end up on the flight with no top or warm clothes while you hug him close in a blanket to keep him warm and your husband attempts to air dry the orange juice from all over the last remaining t-shirt you have on board.

7. There really is no place like home.

An anniversary and a due date

2010-03-26T14:00:00.003+11:00

Cowboy, Champ and I are heading overseas to the Philippines tomorrow (or as Champ says 'go Philiphines on airplane far, far away'.).

There are many, many things to worry about including a toddler on an international overnight plane trip, making sure none of us consume dodgy food or drink (especially me), child-snatching, and my current favorite: trying to stop Champ drinking the possibly contaminated water as he showers. But I am hoping that the 4 days in a luxury resort (with built in babysitters - aka Cowboy's parents) and the joy of introducing Champ to his Great Grandmother and so many relations in the Philippines will overshadow the worries.

While we are away, a few milestones will pass. I may be so hard at it relaxing that I will forget the date, so I will remember them now:

April 2nd was my due date with Muscles.

April 6th will be one year since we conceived Turtledove.

It is hard to think about the babies I have lost. Of course, I still don't know if they were boys or girls, if they would have looked more like me than Champ does (Cowboy's mini-me), or more importantly if they would have had a chance at being healthy.

It is also strange to think that if I hadn't lost them, I wouldn't be sitting here now cradling my belly and thanking God for Lucky. I know that that feeling will continue after Lucky is born. The more you fall in love with your child, the more you wouldn't wish to change any events that brought them to you. But it is hard to be happy for my losses; hard to be happy that two babies that Cowboy and I created did not make it to our arms.

So, off we go on our holiday, Cowboy, Red, Champ and Lucky. My family.

What's in a name?

2010-03-22T13:28:00.002+11:00

As we approach the 15 week mark, we have started to think seriously about names for Lucky. I am likely going to find out the gender at our 18-20 week scan, so having a name picked out would be fun (not that I am planning on letting family and friends IRL know the name).

And, no, we are not going to name our baby 'Lucky'. Actually, I call our baby Lucky to all and sundry at the moment, Cowboy on the other hand calls Lucky 'Charming' because he thinks it is a boy and 'third time is a charm' whereas I think 'third time is lucky'. You may be surprised to know this, but all of us are going by pseudonyms on this blog. I know, it is a shock that I didn't name my son 'Champ Lemoncake', I know. So I need a real name.

I have revealed on this blog before that Champ's name is Xavier. This is pronounced a little differently depending on where you come from (Americans generally say X-avier where as British and most Aussies say it with a soft X, 'Zavier') but we are not fussed on how people pronounce it. All of our friends and family call him using the British pronunciation as we liked it from a French baby name - plus it is easier to shorten it as we do to Xav (pronounced Zave). When we chose Champ's name we didn't know his gender. I was literally in labour trying to decide on a baby girl name, but we knew hands down that Champ would be Xavier if he was a boy.

When Champ was born our second preference for boys names was Sebastian. Whilst I still like this name, it is getting very popular, to the point that there are a few Sebastians in most circles that we mix in. To us, that is a big no-no. If Lucky is a boy, we currently only have one top name (again we can decide on boys names a lot easier). The name is Watson. I like it because it also starts with an unusual letter (like Xavier) and it was my Grandmother's maiden name.

If Champ had been a girl he would have been Eliza. Our other options (in no particular order) were Audrey, Violet, Madeline, Rosie, Beatrice, and a few more that I can't even remember. Eliza is not now a name I would name this baby. Only a couple on that list rate in our top ones at the moment. If Lucky is a girl, our top two names are Violet and Beatrice. I am leaning towards Violet because, again, it starts with an unusual letter (and then I would have 2 little Roman Numerals, X & V), but it is also gaining popularity, so that is one point for Beatrice.

Nicknames are something I also consider. For example I like the name Madeline but wouldn't like it to be shortened to Maddy. My philosophy on that is that if you don't like the nickname, it is too much work to spend your life asking people not to shorten your child's name. I don't mind Xav as a nickname (or 'the X-man' as some people call him!). As for nicknames with Lucky's shortlisted names I don't know how people would shorten Watson, Violet I would shorten to Vi and Beatrice to Bea (if she is a gentle soul) or Trixie (if she is a bit feisty). I think I can cope with all variations.

So, now that you know my preferences and my conditions to a name, I am opening my comments page up to suggestions:

Fairness

2010-03-19T14:58:00.003+11:00

Champ is a lover not a fighter.

Besides a brief 'pushing' period between 18 and 24 months where he would randomly push other kids over to see what would happen (Hhhhm, here's a kid learning to walk, I bet he'll take a great tumble; What about if I push the girl in the back rather than the front?; Let's see what happens if I push this much bigger child... oops, not doing that again!) he is really laid back when with other children. He is fortunately like his Daddy and is pretty happy to go with the flow.

He can be redirected very easily if another child takes the toy he is playing with. Just a simple 'How about you use the red car?' if a child steals the yellow truck will mostly always do the trick. My problem is, how much should I redirect him like this and how much should I stand up for him?

I don't want him to always miss out on the toy he wants just because he cries less than the other kid. Many other children his age are getting quite possessive and will yell and scream if made to give back the toy they have just snatched. If both parents are present and notice the snatch the other parent will generally ask their child to give back the toy to Champ, but if the child makes a fuss I ask Champ to use a different one and we all move on happily.

I am glad to see that he is only so complacent to a point though.

We have one little friend who is incredibly possessive, anything Champ (or any other child) touches, be it hers, Champ's or belonging to a third party, she will snatch it and if asked to give it back she will scream and clench her fists firmly refusing to give it back. If made to return it, she will tantrum for ages, never once forgetting the doll/car/book she wanted. It isn't really a criticism of the two year old, she will probably grow into a very determined adult who will be very capable because of her strong desire, but it is tough to be around for too long!

But anyway, if we are with this girl, Champ will back down, and back down, and back down. He will tolerate being redirected up to 15 or so times in one playdate. But then he gives me this look, and my heart simply breaks for him. His look says 'This is just not fair, Mum.' and he will be just as upset as the girl (justifiably so). It is usually this point that I do let him play with the toy and I try as hard as I can to redirect the other child.

So, I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I am someone who fights for what I want and I was probably just like his little friend when I was her age. Cowboy is like Champ and he feels that he missed out on a lot because he didn't stand up for himself. He doesn't want Champ to be quite so easy going and miss out on what he wants. I don't want Champ to feel like he missed out, but I just don't know that me standing up for him will teach him to stand up for himself.

Any suggestions ladies?

And then...

2010-03-16T13:37:00.002+11:00

So after all the positive Mummy thoughts in my last post, the universe has to find a way to catch up to me, tap me on the shoulder and remind me that being a stay at home Mum isn't without its struggles.

For one, Champ has been driving me insane! He is actually a really good kid so I am putting it down to pregnancy hormones making me a bit short tempered on occasions, which in turn makes Champ's usually cool, calm and collected self forced to rebel against the unfairness of having a grouchy Mummy and the day spirals downhill from there.

Also, I got asked to join a friend and her son at a Wiggles concert in the middle of the year. She actually bought 3 tickets too many and was trying to sell them off. Because it would have been 3 tickets it would have been $90 for the experience (and Cowboy would then have had to take a day off work to use one ticket up). I know Champ would have loved the show, but I just had to say 'no' due to the cost. Then of course I started to feel guilty for all the things he will have to miss out on because I am not out earning a second income for the family.

Money is not 'tight' around here, but we are conscious of what we spend and try not to go too crazy. We are also not 'getting ahead'. I mean, we are paying the bills, paying the mortgage and not feeling too restricted, but we are not paying much more than the minimum mortgage repayments and not saving any elsewhere either.

To be fair, if I did work we probably wouldn't actually 'get ahead' anyway because we would probably just spend extra money that we currently don't. I have noticed that is the way it is with most people, everyone tends to live within their means and when that means expands so does the credit card bill. But still, maybe we would then be going to the Wiggles in May if I was working.

I really wish I could ask Champ what he would prefer...

A couple of other tid bits that I have been meaning to post about:

I am still sick! Like really vomiting and all. It is doing my head in! The nausea is not anywhere near as bad as it was a few weeks ago, but I am vomiting more. Add to the mix the occasional pregnancy headache (which I never get when not pregnant) and this is one unhappy Mummy. (Note to self in 2 years: Go easy on yourself and do not consider #3.)

To everyone who suggested buying a doppler when I was stressing before our 12 weeks scan, thanks for the advice and I am still considering it, but I am just not sure dopplers are for me. I tend to stress mostly before scans, so checking more often isn't going to do me any good. Also, I am afraid of not finding it one night and then panicking for no reason. But, for those of you who have done this more than once, I do want to know if you found the doppler useful after you started feeling the baby moving? I felt Champ move at 17 weeks, so I don't know if it would be worth it anyway since by the time it was shipped here I might be already feeling Lucky move and thus reassured anyway.

One more piece of random news: Champ woke last night after 12 hours of sleep with a completely dry nappy. He then rushed to the toilet and proceeded to pee his weight in urine. The kid really does make my life easy; he toilet trained himself well before he was 2 years old and now it looks like we might be out of night nappies by the time Lucky is born!

Immersed

2010-03-09T08:20:00.003+11:00

It occurs to me sometimes that friends of mine may think that I have 'lost myself' since I got married and fell pregnant (one in the same to me since Champ was essentially a honeymoon baby).

They probably breathed a sigh of relief as I returned to part time work when Champ was 11 months old, expecting the 'old' Red to come back and devote lots of energy to my career as a Charted Accountant. I am certain they couldn't understand what had come over me as I quit that job 6 months later in order to stay home and raise my son myself.

I have friends who I am sure now find me 'boring'. They think that as I am at home with Champ all day everyday (which is not actually true since everyday we have at least one activity such as music or playgroup to attend) I have become 'just' a Mum and that I need to be 'freed'.

This 'free Mum' argument really confuses me as I feel no need to be 'freed' - freed from what anyway? Freed from being a Mum? Freed from the most rewarding and satisfying, not to mention fun, thing I have ever done? If nothing else, I think they should be freed from sitting at the same desk everyday, working with the same people and having to wear highly uncomfortable clothing for 50 hours a week.

I fully admit that Champ consumes me. But I am happy to be consumed. I am happy to hand over a handful of years of my life to be at the beck and call of him, to guide his upbringing and to have lots of fun, laughs and kisses. I am happy to spend a few years of my (hopefully long) life raising my son.

I am happy to immerse myself in all aspects of motherhood. Because it is true, I am immersed in motherhood. I spend my days trying to stimulate Champ and give him a balanced start to life. I spend spare time reading parenting books and planning how we can spend our next adventurous day.

For these next few years, I am 'just' a mother. I am 'just' the most important person in someones life. I am 'just' raising a son to the best of my ability so that he may one day become the best person he can be.

And I am 'just' loving it.

"It's a..." and other ultrasound facts

2010-03-05T12:27:00.003+11:00

Best, best, best ultrasound I could have asked for!!

Lucky is still measuring ahead (12w4d) and heartbeat was 168 bpm, so still really fast. Lucky was a bit active this morning, but we still managed to see all five fingers on each hand, took photos of the bladder, both legs and could clearly make out the spine.

I casually asked the technician if it is too early to tell the gender. I should have known not to ask if I didn't want to know. He blurted out that if he was asked, he would say 'girl' as there is no pen*is.

Of course I know it might not have 'come out' yet as it is still early, but I have been getting girl vibes anyway. I think I'll have to ask at the next ultrasound (even though I hadn't decided if I wanted to know yet - we didn't with Champ) because I don't want to go through the whole pregnancy thinking of Lucky as a girl and then get a shock to find out it is a boy (even though I would be delighted either way)!

Crapping myself

2010-03-04T08:34:00.003+11:00

I am really scared after a doctors appointment I made for Champ yesterday. I took him to the doctors for his travel vaccines for our trip to the Philippines at the end of the month. I was anxious enough about that (the temporary discomfort of my little guy), but then the doctor started questioning me.

I replied that I had travelled to South East Asia 3 years ago for our honeymoon, so I was covered. Ummmm, now I know that a few of those shots only last 3 years - I had thought everything was for 10 years! Because we decided to get the shots well before our January 2007 wedding, we are now 4 month out of date for our injections.

The doctor said he would need to give me typhoid and swine flu but I was still covered for my Hep A (luckily I went back for that booster shot to make it last 10 years). I told him I was pregnant. His response: 'Why are you travelling to the Philippines while you are pregnant?'.

I was floored and now am scared.

I have since checked my itinerary and we are not travelling to any of the provinces which are high risk for malaria (his main concern because i can not take the tablets and they can not cover me at all) and we are staying at 5 star hotels and resorts the whole time - it isn't like we are staying in a shanty town.

I have done some research and believe that swine flu vaccines is quite safe, and typhoid injectible (not live) has had no reported problems with pregnant women, but it has not been medically tested as they don't test on pregnant women. It is also best to do it outside of the first trimester. I will be 13 weeks next week and the injection takes 10 - 14 days to take effect, so I think I can just scrape in if I do it next Friday.

Still, as Champ says, 'too scawy (scary)'.

In other news, looks like I spoke too soon about my morning sickness lifting. I am still sick and still vomiting. I am upset because it all stopped at 11 weeks 3 days with Champ, so that is what I was counting on this time. But no such luck. This kid is already more trouble than its brother. :)

Worry, hope, love.

2010-03-01T14:33:00.003+11:00

I have been suffering a bit of pregnancy insomnia lately. Nothing really to write home about, and I remember being the same while pregnant with Champ. The combination of early nights, nanna-naps, constant thirst, subsequent multiple toilet breaks, sore breasts and aching hips make some night time wakefulness perfectly understandable. This last week though, one more thing has been thrown into the mix to make me even more wakeful. Worry.

You would think that at 11.5 weeks I would be past the worry. However, I think it is the hope that has been creeping in ever since that 8 week scan which is making me worry. Prior to that scan I tried to have a 'come what may' attitude (hard as that was to actually pull off). But since seeing Lucky's heartbeat and little limb buds waving hello to Mummy, I have been caught up in hope.

Rather than planning each week at a time, just hoping Lucky would hold on tight to let me make it to the next weekly milestone, I have started to look further ahead. I have started to think about sleeping arrangements and our pre-baby shopping list. I have started to imagine Champ holding Lucky for the first time as he realises Mummy's belly is not the baby, the baby was in there. I have started to anticipate the sleepless nights, our breastfeeding journey and managing a newborn and a toddler.

I have my 12 week scan on Friday morning.

Last night I woke up and I was cradling my belly in my arms. And I realised that hope and love have well and truly made it in to this pregnancy.

The wind has changed

2010-02-25T07:54:00.002+11:00

I am finally starting to feel human again - one week before I hit the second trimester! This is almost the exact same timing as with Champ and I am so relieved it doesn't look like I'll be one of those women who are sick until 18 weeks or something else equally as daunting.

Also with the lift in nausea comes a change in my mood. I am a very bad first trimester pregnant lady. So much so that it has caused Cowboy to ask 'is there such thing as pre-natal depression?'.

I reminded him that while I was pregnant with Champ he (sensibly) waited until I hit the 12 week mark to remark that he was glad my mood improved because he 'was beginning to wonder if I really wanted this baby' as I was so depressed.

For now, the hormone craziness seems to have eased and I am now just anxiously awaiting my 12 week scan next Friday.

Flying

2010-02-15T08:08:00.003+11:00

Things are just chugging along here at the Lemoncake Household. Not much home cooking or cleaning is being done and I am concentrating on the basic art of survival and spending any available energy reserves on maintaining some of the good life for Champ.

I have decided that pregnancy reminds me a lot of international travel. Before you have done it you think it will be really cool and glamorous. Then you realise it is actually a worrisome, very uncomfortable and long way to get to where you want to go (albeit a very remarkable and awe inspiring one).

Talking of international travel, we have book flights for Hong Kong and the Philippines (Cowboy's birth country) for March. I am really hoping that my morning sickness has gone and left me with a second trimester glow and contentment by then.

Lucky!

2010-02-08T13:34:00.002+11:00

Lucky to have a strong heartbeat (169 bpm); Lucky to be tall (2 cm crown to rump); Lucky to be here.

I was also lucky to not require the wand, full bladders are very uncomfortable but external ultrasounds are a lot easier.

Ultrasound went great. Lucky was measuring big (8w5d as opposed to 8w1d) but that is more in line with when I believe I ovulated given my short cycles (day 12), which would have me at 8w3d. Allowing for a couple of days measuring error means I am pretty much on track. Or maybe he/she will just be tall!

I have finally started to believe that I might actually get a baby out of this in September.

Tomorrow; Eight Weeks; Ultrasound

2010-02-07T14:04:00.002+11:00

Tomorrow is my first scan for this pregnancy. I chose to wait until 8 weeks because I got the scan earlier at 6 weeks with Muscles and still went on to miscarry 3 weeks later. I know 8 weeks doesn't guarantee the scan to be more accurate, but I just felt better waiting as bit longer. I think the 8 week scan will mean more to me than a 6 week scan.

I don't really know what to expect. I have had 6 week scans twice now and always needed the 'wand' and had a 10 week scan with Champ and didn't need it. I don't know what I prefer actually, I hate the full bladder feeling needed for an external ultrasound, but wands aren't as feel good as they sound either. I'll be sure to fill you in on all that detail tomorrow!

I have spent this weekend at my Mum's house with Champ and I being totally spoiled while Cowboy has been away at a weekend long seminar. I really needed it though, I just don't feel capable of much at the moment and feel like I am letting down Champ ('Mummy play? Oh, Mummy too sick.') and Cowboy ('Take away for dinner again darling?'). But now I am back to reality and had better try to find some energy to clean up before Cowboy gets home tonight.

Tesedar

2010-02-05T10:09:00.002+11:00

My Champ has made up a new word: Tesedar.

It took me a while to figure out what he meant. He has been screaming it from his cot when I put him down to his nap and to sleep at night for the last few days. I gave up trying to guess what he wanted and put it down to a bad sleeping patch (which he has had the last few days due to a stuffy nose ('ittle bit bocked nose') and hot nights ('air-con on, Mummy?')).

When I put Champ down for a sleep I say his prayers, turn off the light and then sing him his favourite song Brahms Lullaby. Lately because I have been feeling sick, I have been kneeling on the floor and leaning on the side of his cot to sing the song to him rather than standing up. He often stands up and comes over to me for a cuddles, nuzzles his face into my neck and sings with me. This part gives me goose bumps because his breath on my neck tickles.

Anyway, yesterday we were playing with his teddy in the afternoon and he said 'Oh, teddy tired, Tesedar Teddy.'. Then he picked up his teddy and nuzzled him into his neck. I asked Champ to do 'tesedar' and he climbed on to my lap and cuddled my neck 'ahhh, tesedar'.

Landmark Moment

2010-02-01T08:03:00.003+11:00

I just experienced my first ever pregnancy vomit (even including the entire pregnancy with Champ). So it looks like this monster can get even worse. Happy 7 weeks, Lucky!

On a happier note, it was Australia Day here last week and we had a BBQ at our place, Champ was wrapt with his temporary tattoos ('BAM!' he calls them).

One question, two answers

2010-01-29T10:23:00.002+11:00

Thanks everyone for your support after my last post. Since that episode two days ago, I have had no more blood, so fingers crossed Lucky is still holding on tight.

After feeling so poorly with morning sickness for this past week that I am seriously reconsidering the idea of a big family (Champ and Lucky might just have to be it, because I can't see anyone convincing me to do this again), I asked both Cowboy and my Mum the same question, and received two very different responses.

The question (only half jocular): Do you think it possible to die from morning sickness?

Mum (very worried): Red, you really have to make sure you are keeping fluids up, dehydration can be very serious, darling.

Cowboy (very not worried): No. I am sure you'll live.

Men!

Spotting with Symptoms

2010-01-28T07:36:00.002+11:00

Yesterday a familiar tragic meltdown occurred when I wiped and found blood. Minuscule amount though it may be, it is also too much like the familiar nightmare of my other misscarriages for me to take any comfort from the terrible nausea and other pregnancy symptoms I am still experiencing.

Because I am a sucker for punishment I have not booked my ultrasound for another week and a half (8w1d) even though I had the option of making it earlier (call me a pessimist, but I was not even sure I'd make it this far, let alone to 8 weeks, when I made the appointment).

So, looks like I just have to wait. I hate this bit.

My nose

2010-01-27T08:33:00.002+11:00

Pregnancy nose!! It is just as well Champ has learnt to use the toilet and I am not longer changing (and washing) stinky nappies.

Oh, did I tell you you we started toilet training? Did I complain about the trials and tribulations of getting Champ to do his business on a toilet?

No? Oh, that is because it was really a non event. He just agreed that he should stop wearing nappies, wear big boy jocks and tell Mummy when he needed to use the potty. And he did.

I really should write a book, except that it would just say 'Tell your child that nappies are for babies and now they are a big boy/girl now and need big boy/girl underwear. Then take them to the potty. Make a big fuss when they do anything in the potty. If they have an accident tell them calmly that Mummy doesn't want to see accidents, Mummy likes it when you tell her that you need to use the potty. Go on your merry way (nappy-less).' Do you think it will be a top seller?

Of course we still have occasional accidents (the kid only turned 2 last month!) but he gets about in big boy jocks all day everyday and I generally trust him to hold it until we get to the bathroom. Knock on wood, but we have never had a #2 accident. He even does it in the big toilet now. And that, my friends, means a lot less gagging from his pregnant Mamma!

Score (Beta HCG)

2010-01-23T10:42:00.003+11:00

I finally went back in to the doctors to pick up the results of my blood test from over a week ago. It is not that I am not thinking about this pregnancy every waking minute, just that I am still very hesitant to let any excitement take over my life.

So I got my Beta HCG score. At 4 weeks 5 days it was 2764, which I have compared a bit online and believe it it a very reasonable number. But as I found out this morning, I would need two blood tests to check the actual progress, which I don't have because I didn't know you would need two to check on the health of the pregnancy. In fact I didn't know that the blood tests I had last week even gave me a quantitative hormone test. I don't know much about this baby baking do I?

Meanwhile I am taking slight comfort from the very real and present nausea which is my constant friends these days. I have devised many wonderful games to play with Champ which can all be carried out with Mummy laying on the couch (special thanks to my sister who gave him his 'doctors bag' for his birthday; Mummy has had many blood pressure tests, stethoscopes, temp checks, needles and band aids applied lately).

My personal favorite is a game called 'pillows' where Champ takes every pillow off all the couches in the loungeroom, then proceeds to cover Mummy in them and runs around calling 'Mummy, where are you?' before uncovering me and starting again. I can almost nap during that one.

Comments MIA

2010-01-21T09:17:00.003+11:00

Just letting you guys know that some of my comments will not come up on people's blogs. I have typed many comments this morning and on about 3 blogs they just disappear. I am trying to figure out the problem, meanwhile, sorry, I am reading just not appearing to comment.

Spotting watch 2010

2010-01-20T08:39:00.002+11:00

Today is the point (5.5 weeks) in my pregnancy with Turtledove that I started spotting. That episode ended with me in the hospital the next night with a confirmed spontaneous miscarriage.

Today I am praying with everything I have that Lucky is strong and survives to join our family in September.

Today is also my 3 year wedding anniversary and we are going to the Botanic Gardens (where we got married) to see a Mid Summer Night's Dream be performed. Happy Anniversary my love.

Marriage is a promise between two people who love each other; and it takes a lifetime to fulfil.

Whisperings

2010-01-17T07:49:00.002+11:00

I awoke today, at 5 weeks into the pregnancy, to the familiar pregnancy feelings of aching hips, sore breasts, and the beginnings of vague nausea (I also ended last night with bloodied gums from brushing my teeth and blood on my tissue when I blew my nose). Of course I experienced all these symptoms with Muscles and still encountered the end of the pregnancy with empty arms.

So, far from shouting out my pregnancy symptoms from the tree tops, I am whispering them to my husband under the beds sheets.

'Alone' again

2010-01-14T13:18:00.002+11:00

Champ and I have nearly survived a week sans Daddy. Yes, my right hand man around the house is back at work. Those who have read my blog for a while may recall that Cowboy took a voluntary redundancy in the middle of last year. He then enjoyed months of being a stay-at-home-Dad-(with-wife-at-home-too) before deciding he had better search for work before it became an embarrassingly long break.

It did take him a little while, but I think it was less to do with the economy and much more to do with him enjoying surfing the net, playing with Champ and being preoccupied with his Masters studying (in that order). So, mere weeks before Christmas (the date his redundancy payment equalled what he would have earned in that time) he accepted a new job! He didn't actually start until this week though due to the summer break (and wanting to enjoy his last little bit of freedom).

So on Monday morning, Champ and I dropped him at the train station, waved goodbye and then looked at each other. 'So kiddo, what do you want to do today?'

Some parts of being the only adult in the house are immensely enjoyable (having the computer all to myself during nap times comes to mind).

Things are also a lot more organised. An extra adult in the house makes a lot more mess. Plus, me being the only one at home responsible for cooking, cleaning and washing means that I actually step up and do the tasks rather than sit back and assume he will do it while I am at playgroup with Champ. The result is that by 9.30 or so each day we have an immaculate house and fresh clothes hanging on the line outside. We'll see how long that part lasts.

It is also nice to miss Cowboy. I do recall someone somewhere once said 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' - I think they were on to something there. Cowboy also misses us a lot and actually ventured with me in to Champ's room last night to tuck him in before we went to bed; usually he just shakes his head and says 'If you wake him up...'.

The part I was dreading was the taking care of Champ alone again part. But that has proved to be not such a big deal. Of course the extra hands were handy when he was here especially when we arrive home from the morning's adventures at exactly Champ's lunch time ('Please help Champ to use the potty and wash his hands while I get lunch prepared'), but we are managing ok with just my hands at present.

Champ has also (surprise, surprise) grown up a lot in the 5 months since I took care of him full time solo. He can actually (shock, horror) do a little bit of independent play now. He also listens to instructions remarkably well, and even often responds appropriately.

All in all, this week has been a delight; if a little lonely of adult company.

On a lighter note

2010-01-12T14:15:00.004+11:00

After waking stressfully this morning, I have been taking my mind of my potential worries with some net surfing where I found these photos of Champ and I my friend had posted on Facebook from our Christmas gathering. He was telling me a story. He is an absolute born story telling and a budding comedian.

Here comes the punch line:

Dread

2010-01-12T04:57:00.002+11:00

It is 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. It could be because yesterday was 44 degrees (111 F) and the night didn't cool significantly. But more likely it is because I woke up lying almost on my stomach and realised that my boobs no longer hurt. At all.

The last two days they have been hurting less and less, and that all encompassing pregnancy exhaustion has left me. I have been around this thing long enough to know that they are not good signs.

But the worst 'symptom' by far is that since yesterday I just haven't 'felt' pregnant.

Oh, I am so over this. Can't I get a break this time?

Talking about boobies (TMI - sorry)

2010-01-10T09:30:00.003+11:00

My breasts are sore! They have been for over a week actually, but they are getting sorer by the day!

I am not going to start jumping up and down about pregnancy symptoms thinking that they mean the pregnancy is progressing well. After how strong my morning sickness was with Muscles, my mind will not be put to rest by a bit of nausea.

However, in the last two pregnancies I have not had sore breasts. This only worried me mildly. I had only stopped breastfeeding Champ 2 months before falling pregnant with Turtledove, and, as recently as last month I was able to squeeze little drops of milk from my right breast at will. Thus, I put my lack of soreness down to them not needing to reestablish themselves because the ability to produce milk had never gone away. But a little part of me always worried that my breastfeeding would not go well since I didn't get the tenderness.

Now I am happy to report that my left breast is so sore that I could not possibly lie on my stomach and my right one is a little tender. I am not classifying this as a symptom that makes me more confident about the health of this pregnancy. That won't happen until (God willing) we make it to the 12 week mark and beyond. But I am more relaxed about my potential to breastfeed Lucky if we make it that far.

You see, I am not really a 'baby person'. Of course babies are adorable, especially once they are a few months old and have grown into their skin! I am more of a toddler person. I loved Champ as a baby. I love Champ even more as a toddler. The one thing that I miss from those baby days is breastfeeding.

Champ did feed a little into his second year. But toddler feeding is vastly different to baby feeding. I miss those long contented feeds, the closeness, the knowing that I was giving him the best start and I miss not having to do dishes after he had his lunch.

I can. not. wait. to breastfeed again. I never thought I'd be so happy to have sore boobies!

12ww (no, that is not a typo)

2010-01-07T14:00:00.003+11:00

I caved in today and POAS at 13 dpo. In true Lemoncake style it came up positive straight away. That's 4 pregnancies from 4 cycles for those keeping count (Cowboy is). BUT only one live baby (so far).

So, how do I feel?

No different to before the pee stick really. I 'knew' I was pregnant because of my exhaustion this past week, but that's still not the reason I am not jumping up and down and planning babysitting for Champ on September 21st (my due date). The reason is of course my recent experiences. I feel guilty for not being excited, but I just can't trust myself to have too much hope yet.

I know that not allowing too much hope in won't make it any 'easier' if I do miscarry this one. You can not hold life inside you without allowing hope to creep in the backdoor. I'm just not opening up to let it all flood back in, just in case I have to kick it all out in a few weeks. This song keeps floating into my head.

So to that end, I figure that my 2ww has become a 12ww. Once I make it to the end of the first trimester I will begin to believe that I may well hold my newborn in my arms in September.

I still wanted to 'name' this pregnancy. Because I don't think it is very optimistic to call it my 'maybe baby' even though that is how I feel, we settled on 'Lucky'. This is our third attempt to make Champ a big brother, third time Lucky?

First time doubter

2010-01-04T08:07:00.003+11:00

Yesterday I went to a baby store and bought a cot valance. No, this is not some round about way of telling you I got a BFP, just that I bought a safari themed piece of material to skirt the bottom of Champ's cot.

Yes, Champ is still in a cot. I will be keeping him in a cot until he starts scaling the sides of it, Mission Impossible style. He sleeps well in his cot. I want to keep it that way. Of course he can not stay in a cot forever.

When I set it up on the cot, Cowboy commented (somewhat sarcastically) 'Wow that looks great, I don't know how that cot ever did without a valance.'. I know it was a strange purchase, but I have had my eye on it ever since before Champ was born and MIL bought me a safari nappy stacker. I have since framed photos of elephants (from the 'Tawny Scrawny Lion' Little Golden Book) and have received a safari themed wooden height chart as a gift for Champ. So you see, we have a green and brown, safari themed nursery. I just couldn't bring myself to pay $50 for a piece of material for the bottom of the cot. Cue 'The Sales'! So I bought it.

Then I had a moment.

Champ will not be in a cot forever. Maybe I'll only get to use it for a short time. Maybe I'll never have another baby to use it.

I am sure that these thoughts have gone around the heads of many of you at times. This was my first time. My first serious doubts.

A bit emotional this week. I want to get back to my 2010 positive spirits.

Numbers; 9 dpo

2010-01-03T08:05:00.002+11:00

When do I dare test?

My stats:

I am only on CD20.

But I believe I ovulated CD12.

So I am now 9 DPO.

I have one POAS test left. I am superstitiously not buying a new pack because I don't want to test again until we are trying for number 3!

Sleep overs

2010-01-02T06:47:00.002+11:00

Champ had a sleep over at Cowboy's parent's house last night. He tends to sleep over at their house once a month or so, so everyone is pretty comfortable with the set up and everyone (especially Champ) looks forward to it.

Last night was different though. He usually sleeps over there when we have something to do: a wedding, 21st party, a musical, etc. Last night was a 'just because it is holidays' sleep over. Cowboy and I decided we had better go to dinner and a movie because otherwise we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves!

We enjoyed the dinner and a movie part, then when we were in the cinema parking lot, Cowboy said 'We aren't too far from my parents, want to call in and kiss Champ goodnight?'. I was strong and said that I'm sure everyone would be asleep so we should leave them.

So we got home and started creeping around the house like we normally would at 10 p.m., before we realised that there was no sleeping child to wake so we could talk in our normal voices! What adults we are!

Then we spoiled it by running around doing impersonations of our little man. As we got into pajamas, Cowboy lent on the bed posts kicking his legs behind himself saying 'shoota!' like Champ's soccer impersonation. Cowboy sneezed and I said 'Bess ooo, Daddy'. After a few more impersonations, we realised that Champ would have been asleep for hours by now so it was silly to miss him. But miss him we did.

Cowboy is enjoying the sleep in right now but my body clock woke me before even Champ normally does. Now I'm just waiting til his midday drop off time to see the little guy again.

Tomorrow night he is having a sleep over with my Mum. We were planning a quiet night in but I think we had better go out or we will be at our wits ends!

2010 New Year Resolution; 2009 Motherhood Year

2009-12-31T07:15:00.003+11:00

I resolve to have a brilliant 2010. I remember reading a quote from someone (probably someone famous) who said that they always try to make the new year better than the last. Well, 2010 doesn't have to work hard to top 2009.

Cowboy is looking at 2009 as a 'bad luck year', but I can't totally agree. Despite the rollercoaster ride with the very steep slopes, is wasn't all bad. Anyone who reads my blog (or can read the side panel) knows of the bad stuff that we experienced this year, so I thought I'd stick to the good stuff; 2009 was my Motherhood year.

In 2009 I committed myself to motherhood. Although I have been a Mother since 2007, it wasn't until I quit my career (after returning part time when Champ was 11 months) that I feel like I really started to savour everything about motherhood. I had always loved Champ; this year I discovered how much I love motherhood too.

I have savoured Champ everyday, marvelling at how he is growing up into such a sensitive, adventurous, intelligent little guy who loves nothing more than making people laugh (and ice-cream). He is the best bits of my life all rolled up and I could not be more honoured to be his mother.

I am looking forward to 2010 as a year where Champ and I will continue to laugh together each day. I am desperately looking forward to 2010 as a year Cowboy and I can make him a big brother.

I hope that all your 2010 dreams come true and that this time next year we will all be looking back on 2010 as possibly the best of our lives.

Happy New Year everyone!

Too cute

2009-12-30T09:08:00.002+11:00

Champ: (Pointing to one picture of Captain Feathersword) Look, Captain Feathersword!
Mummy: Yeah, that is a silhouette of Captain Feathersword, a silhouette.
Champ: Oh, yeah. (Points to another picture of Captain Feathersword) This one dry.

Geddit? Silhouette - wet. This one is dry. Oh he cracks me up! Another day while we were outside planting lettuce seeds:

Mummy: We are planting lettuce for us to eat.
Champ: Oh wow. Go now?
Mummy: Where are we going?
Champ: Letter-box... (grabs seed container) letterbox?

Geddit? This one took me a while...lettuce sounds like letters to him.

The kid is a born comedian, he just doesn't know it yet.

Hope

2009-12-28T10:34:00.002+11:00

So here we are at the 28th December. Turtledove's due date.

When I lost Turtledove I had images of this Christmas being full of pain and sad reminders. It wasn't. I did remember each day during the Christmas period that I 'should' have been heavily pregnant, but as they say, time heals all wounds and the effect wasn't as devastating as I had imagined.

I still long for that baby. I still ache to give Champ as baby brother or sister. But I am not debilitated by the pain of our loss. I am hopeful that one day soon we will deliver a healthy baby and some of those old hurts will heal some more.

Cowboy and I did all we could this month to make that dream a reality. I ovulated Christmas day as predicted, so now we are settled in to the 2 week wait and are hopeful.

I know that a positive pregnancy test next week will not give me the same joy it once would have. What that test will give me will be hope.

I am so ready, and want this with all of my being.

Sleep; Baby Dancing; Christmas

2009-12-24T06:24:00.002+11:00

I can't sleep. My mind just keeps turning. I am very excited to be TTC again. Could pregnancy insomnia have kicked in before I am even pregnant?

I am not even due to ovulate until Christmas day/Boxing Day. Our plan had been to do a few months of the Sheattle's method (for a girl), despite the reduced chance of getting pregnant by not trying during my most fertile days. So we have been actively trying for the past week and last night was supposed to be the last night for this cycle.

However we discussed it last night and decided to give it one last go Christmas Day. I guess we figure that we just want to add to our family with a healthy baby; boy or girl.

So, here's to a Christmas baby.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ready Again

2009-12-20T15:29:00.002+11:00

I have just been enjoying a cup of tea and reading my latest book during Champ's daytime nap. The main character in the novel has had her heart broken by love many months ago and has now met someone new that she fancies. Her best friend is trying to warn her against him because she can not stand to see this girl's heart being broken again. The main character firms her jaw and decides 'I don't care. I'm ready again. For everything this time.'.

That is exactly how I feel this cycle. I think that part of our decision to wait to TTC until our results were back from the tests after our miscarriages was due to me not being ready to try again.

But now I feel ready again.

I have analysed and analysed everything from by behaviour during my last two pregnancies, what I ate and my general health to the products I use in my house and on my body and any other miscarriage threats I could potentially be exposed to. I think that the time has come to simply try again. I need to trust that my body ended those pregnancies because all was not right and to hope and pray with everything that I have that our next pregnancy will bring us a healthy child.

I am sure that I will spend quite some time worrying throughout my next pregnancy and my heart will be 100% wanting everything to succeed. But I think I will have to trust my body and simply throw myself into it again.

Come what may.

I don't care. I'm ready again. For everything this time.

Two years!

2009-12-15T10:42:00.003+11:00

Two years ago today my life changed forever. Well, I guess it all started 9 or so months before then, but I didn't realise quite how different my new life would be until 5.57 a.m. on 15th December 2007 when my heart flip flopped and I knew I was had fallen into the sort of love that is impossible to reverse.

I didn't realise Champ was a boy until 20 minutes after he was born when Cowboy and I had finally stopped exclaiming over his every little feature and a nurse asked if we had had a boy or a girl. As I snuck a look under the cloth which had materialised to cover us both, I told Cowboy that Champ was a boy. The look in his eyes is one I'll never forget. Good thing too, because he was out of that room in a flash to tell our family that we had a little boy! He was also clearly besotted.

I knew I would love my child, but I didn't realise it would be like falling in love. He is in my every thought and action. He is firmly entwined in my life and always will be.

The other day while watching some TV show, the son challenged the Dad to a show down over the mother's affections. Cowboy commented dryly 'We all know who'll win that challenge, hey son?'. He occasionally makes comments to the effect that I love Champ more than him. I try in actions and in words to show Cowboy that I love him just as much (albeit quite differently) as Champ.

But maybe that is the difference. With Champ I don't have to try to show him. Motherly love is just hard not to show. In every moment there are looks, cuddles and an awareness of each other that is not found in any other relationship. The umbilical cord may have been cut two years ago, but there is a very strong one that I never fail to feel the strong presence of.

The last two years have changed me as a person. Despite the daily trials and tribulations of being the mother of a two year old, I never fail to acknowledge just how lucky I am to be Champ's Mummy, mostly because I get to kiss him any time I like.

Grumpy

2009-12-11T06:30:00.002+11:00

I don't know how I can still manage to be grumpy at this time of year. I have Champ singing 'Jingle Bells', exclaiming at 'Christmas' he spots everywhere and a nicely full social life. But still Grumpy Mummy keeps popping up her ugly head. I have a couple of theories as to why.

It could be because we have finally been given the all clear to TTC and our Christmas babydancing can't come quick enough. I have had really quite mild PMT lately, even Cowboy mentioned to me last month that he hasn't seen my usual pre menstrual grumpiness of late. But this month it is back with avengance. Hopefully for the last time in over 10 months.

Another reason could be that my Turtledove due date is fast approaching. Turtledove was to be a Christmas baby (28th December) and often the sight of all the Christmas decorations act as a reminder of what may have been.

Either way, I hope this grumpiness clears soon. I've calculated the 15/12 as my expected CD1 (Champ's birthday, so it should be easy to remember this cycle) and if it doesn't go away then, there is always the 'trying' part of the cycle to look forward to and by the Turtledove's due date will have passed. Another milestone moment and hopefully another pregnancy started.

So go away Scrooge, you are not invited to our Christmas.

The Hidden Costs of Children

2009-12-09T08:19:00.002+11:00

Sometimes when those cost of having children surveys come out I think they underestimate all the costs. For example:

Do they consider the cost of never getting to sit on the toilet in private?
Or have a shower in peace?
Or the cost of finally having that shower in peace only to find that the silence was due to your toddler pouring your new, expensive, barely used cuticle oil down the sink?
Do they consider the cost to your sanity of hearing 'Mummy cuddle?' 87 times per hour?
Or the guilt associated with feeling stressed by your most beloved wanting lots of cuddles?
Guilt in general has got to rank pretty highly in the hidden costs of having children, but is it quantified?
Do they consider the costs to society of having zombified parents roaming the street surviving on less than optimal sleep when their child has but a sniffle through the night?
Then you'd have to add the extra dollop of guilt from being put out because your (almost, but not quite) sick child wants to cuddle at 4 a.m. and only Mummy's arms and Mummy's 'angelic' rendition of Brahm's Lullaby will soothe.
I haven't even touched on the tedium of play time, the worry over eating habits and discipline routines or the obsession over every little thing your child is/does/doesn't do.

Today I am spent. Can you tell I am having a bad Mummy day? Hopefully we'll return to our regularly scheduled program soon.

The verdict

2009-12-05T09:37:00.002+11:00

I didn't realise how nervous I was about the results of my pregnancy loss tests until I was actually in the waiting room yesterday. I had been telling people all week that I don't know what is better, to hear that there is something (very easily fixable) wrong and we will do this, this and this to fix you asap, or to hear that there is nothing wrong so we can't help you. Then when I was sitting trying to read a book with trembling hands and thoughts zooming at a million miles, waiting for the professor to call my name, I had sudden clarity: it is so much better to hear that there is nothing wrong. Silly to think otherwise, really.

Luckily, after a pretty short wait and a brief reading of my results (which felt like an eternity), the professor said in his quiet, deliberate, monotone way 'The tests show that there is no medical reason to expect that you will not have the family that you desire, sooner rather than later.'.

That means everything is ok, right?

After quite a few more drill-down-to-specifics kinda questions from me he came just a tad short of saying 'just go home and make a baby, lady'. He said that my antibody and hormone levels were 'normal' and whilst he can not tell me that he is 100% confident that our next conception will result in a real live baby, we are entering in to it with the same odds as the rest of the population (approx 3:4).

Good news, right? Then why did I not stop crying for a long time once I made it to the privacy of my car?

I realised that these tests for me were as much a snapshot into what to expect in the future as they were an insight into our recent pregnancy losses. So I cried for Turtledove who was to be born in the next fortnight. And I cried for Muscles who we were so hopeful for. I cried with relief because the results did not say that that my body had actually caused a healthy baby to be miscarried. And I cried because chances are they were just not perfect enough to be born.

Our bodies are amazing the way they know that this potential child is just not healthy enough for this world. But I still cried, because as genetically imperfect as they were, I would have loved them anyway. I would have.

Happy 100!

2009-12-01T07:30:00.003+11:00

Welcome to my 100th post!

At different at different stages this year I may have stopped to think about what I would use my 100th post for:

For a few weeks of the year I may have thought I would use it to say that I am in my final month of pregnancy (with Turtledove) and that I can not wait to not be pregnant and to hold this baby in my arms.

Then later in the year I thought I might use my 100th post to announce that I am entering my third trimester (with Muscles) and am enjoying slowing down and savouring my time as Mummy to just one child.

Once again, of course my plans were squashed and I thought I may use my 100th post to announce the results of my specialist tests which are due this Friday.

But, nah. I decided why wait. I'll use my 100th post to talk about the fun things in life: wees and poos. You see, toilet training has begun in the Lemoncake household. I am about to join the ranks of parents whose every waking moment is centred around the potty. Although Champ has been ready for the potty for some time I bidded my time until summer. Guess what? It's December 1st. We are saying bye-bye to nappies and hello to the world of potties, adorable jocks and loads of accidents, spills and tears.

I'll let you know how we go. So far we have had great success (lots of 'hits' in the potty) and lots of extra washing (lots of 'misses' in front of the tv/toys/something more interesting than bladder movements).

Tink-oo

2009-11-27T08:06:00.004+11:00

Whilst we do not celebrate Thanksgiving in Australia, I have read a number of your posts regarding what you are grateful for and I have watched enough Hollywood movies to have a general idea of what Thanksgiving is all about (tell me, do all children really dress up on stage for a school pageant which provides the opportunity for their parents to have a major life realisation and save their marriage or advert some major catastrophe or is that just the movies?).

Anyway, I hope that what I am grateful for is obvious. I am grateful for my loving husband Cowboy, my adorable chubby cheeked son Champ and for all of my family and friends. Rather than just the obligatory thankfulness post I'll ask a question about offering thanks.

What I wondered is if a 'thank you' get diminished because the thanker repeats 'tink-oo, tink-oo, tink-ooooooo, Mummia!' until the thankee says 'you're welcome, what lovely manners, Champ.'?

I am grateful for Champs good manners, but must I tell him so everytime I pass him his water bottle and receive thanks in return?!

One year

2009-11-23T17:01:00.003+11:00

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my Nan's passing. I remembered it as I was taking my pre-natal vitamin. It was the day of her funeral that I received the delivery of my first box of pre-natal vitamins since I had had Champ. That means it has almost been a year since I decided that I would soon like to expand our family.

A year is a long time and yet not. It has passed without me realising it and yet has been a heartbreakingly long year at times.

When I made the decision to hold off from TTC until our issues are fully investigated I thought that knowing that it would be at least until the new year would make it easier as I wouldn't think about it as much. I was wrong.

These last few weeks I have been plagued with longing to be pregnant again. Longing for a baby. Far from giving me a TTC break, this waiting has brought the issue into the forefront of my every waking moment.

I am almost in my next fertile window. It is almost 2 weeks until our next appointment and that seems an eternity.

I am almost in my next fertile window. And yet I wait.

Not all doom and gloom

2009-11-22T09:58:00.001+11:00

Just to prove I am not all doom and gloom while waiting to be (hopefully) given the all clear to TTC: Merry Christmas to all from Champ!

(I tried to upload a video of Champ playing his little guitar and singing 'Christmas song' and 'Jingle Bells' but it took hours and still failed. I figured my computer skills were more equipped for photo uploads.)

I managed to score a smiling toddler Santa photo through hard work and perseverance. I know that the screaming toddler Santa photos are very cute, but I was after the elusive happy face.

We visited Santa from the moment he set up shop and the first visit I didn't even ask Champ if he wanted to cuddle Santa. I just showed him Santa, we both waved to him; all the while Champ was saying 'No, bye-bye Santa. Bye bye.' Then after a while of waving we both went up to say hello. Mummy shook Santa's hand to show Champ that he was an all round nice guy that Mummy trusts.

Santa gave Champ a little gift and I asked Champ to shake Santa's hand. That he figured he could manage. For the rest of the week all I heard were little stories about 'Shake Santa hand'.

Once I figure he had Santa sorted as a nice guy I asked if he wanted to go back to the shops and give Santa a cuddle. 'Oh yeah, Santa cuddle, shake Santa hand'. So we did. And he did. Getting to ring Santa's bell was the cherry on the cake that scored the smile. Now I keep hearing stories about 'Santa, ring bell.'

Everyone but me

2009-11-17T15:19:00.003+11:00

Everyone in the fecking world is pregnant except me. Even a character in the book I am currently reading (and was enjoying until today) just found out she was expecting.

I am having such strange jealousy though.

I met a girlfriend today who gave birth to her second child 5 weeks ago and I was introduced to her daughter for the first time. She was adorable and my friend was glowing. But I was not jealous.

I met a woman at a party over the weekend who is due on Christmas Eve (2 days before Turtledove's due date). She was big, hot and uncomfortable. And I could not stop staring at her belly with jealousy.

Silly thing to be jealous over really.

Part of the family

2009-11-13T13:35:00.002+11:00

Every day, more and more Champ is becoming part of the family. I know he has been around for nearly two years (oh my, nearly his birthday, must look in to getting invitations out soon) but for a while it has seemed more like Cowboy and I with a baby, rather than a family of three. Lately a few things have changed.

Champ is getting more and more verbal every day. It is insane how fast kids learn. Now when Cowboy and I have conversations in the car, Champ actually listens and pipes up with his own comments, sometimes relevant sometimes not so much (using the word 'learns' can have him babbling on for minutes about visiting the 'worms' in our compost bin).

We have also packed away Champ's highchair (cleaning it up was quite a chore!) and he now sits proudly at the table in his booster chair with Mummy and Daddy. Just as much food gets thrown to the floor but we generally have less of a battle keeping him seated while he eats (and throws) his food. And it's nice. It feels more like a family of three sitting down eating (and throwing) dinner merrily.

It is nice.

Some days...

2009-11-11T07:31:00.002+11:00

Some days, like when I am having a massive Mummy meltdown after having to leave Library story time early because Champ would not stop randomly pushing other kids to the floor (he still hasn't grown out of it and I am very tired of it), I think I might wait until Champ is in school before we try for another baby and then our family will be complete as the four of us.

And then...

Some days, like when Champ and I are bent over, heads together in concentration over his colouring books or a bug he has spotted outside and I reach over to plant a kiss on his head, I think that even if I have five kids it still won't be enough.

Non-negotiable

2009-11-07T13:43:00.003+11:00

My darling boy Champ,

I thought I'd put this in writing so that there will be no doubt as to my meaning. Since you are not yet two years old, and even for a good year after you do turn two, having a nap is a non-negotiable part of the day.

Whilst I do realise that there is much more fun to be had playing in the sunshine, you need to sleep. I know that yesterday you made it through the day without a nap. That was a once off. Your Mummy couldn't stand any more crying, and after two hours of coercing, threatening and almost begging for you to sleep she gave up and we played in your sand pit in the shade with the hose running to cool us off. This will not be repeated.

Nor will the offer of reading quietly alone in your cot. Mummy doesn't like torn books does she?

I know that nap time comes at an unfortunate time - the hottest part of the day. Of course the hot Australian sun beating down on your blinds and the unrelenting stickiness of the day make napping a bit tougher than usual. You need to to get past that and Just Go To Sleep.

You are too young to be 'over' nap time. You need it. I need it. The world is a much happier place when nap time is adhered to. You are simply too young.

Although you are also too young to lie. Lying is quite a complex skill. You need to be able to preempt what someone else will do if you tell the truth and then deliberately say something that will cause the other person to behave in a different way. You are far too young to grasp this. And yet today you lied to me. Today at nap time you told me you had done a poo. You hadn't, had you Champ? When Mummy checked and told you your bottom was clean, you then lied again didn't you, darling boy? You said you needed the potty. But you didn't did you, sweetie?

So, can we please agree that you are 22 months old; you need sleep and you do not lie. The sleep part is the most important, mmkay?

Love always and forever,

Mummy

xxxooo

Champagne and chilling

2009-11-05T08:06:00.002+11:00

I have now had time to digest the news that there will be no baby Lemoncake making in 2009.

Cowboy thinks it is a good thing because 2009 has been so unlucky for us. He thinks we will start afresh in 2010.

My reasoning is different, but I have come to the same conclusion. For more than medical reasons, it is a good idea to wait until the new year to TTC again.

I have my sister's 21st, Champ's 2nd birthday and Christmas in the next couple of months. Not to be pregnant during those times means a) I can drink champagne at my sister's 21st; b) I won't be running to the bathroom constantly to check for spotting during my favourite time of the year; c) I can drink champagne over the silly season.

Overall, it will give me some time and space to relax, not worry about our future children and find a little peace with our 2009 trials.

The appointment with the Professor

2009-10-31T09:39:00.002+11:00

It turns out I need not have been too worried about bringing Champ to the specialist appointment. Not because he behaved like an angel; he didn't.

He ran around yelling 'toot-toot car!' because his keen eyes had spotted a children's play area in the waiting room, then the only thing that would keep him quiet during the appointment were the handful of crackers and 2 muesli bars I had packed to be shared by all of us which were eaten all by Champ in minutes at which time Cowboy escorted him out of the room while I sat and talked with the very serious and softly spoken Professor in peace.

I need not have worried about taking him because the Pregnancy Management Clinic waiting room was the same as the Pregnancy waiting room. Yup. I was waiting for my recurrent miscarriage appointment in a room of approximately 20 women at various stages of pregnancy. The hospital was designed well, no?

Anyway, despite my envious green eyes in the waiting room and Champ's noisy departure the actual appointment went well. After I told the Professor (that's his name because that is how he introduced himself - 'I am professor blah, blah an obstetrician at this hospital' - I can only assume that 'professor' is a higher qualification than 'doctor' for all the pride he took in saying it) our relevant medical history, he asked me what questions I had.

We discussed that no, my in-laws were not correct that Champ being such a heavy baby had stretched my ute to the point of no return; and yes, I was being silly blaming my physical activity (walking) the day before each miscarriage as a cause; and no, my heavy and clotted periods since the second miscarriage were not a concern of retained product despite having not had a D&C either time.

Ok doc, whoops, I mean Professor, you turn. Where to now?

The Professor said that given our 'easy' pregnancy with Champ and given that he is 'normal' (which I wanted to dispute - he is not normal, he is complete and utter perfection, can't you see that Professor?) he is 'cautiously optimistic that we will get the family we want'.

Cautiously optimistic.

He believes that the likely cause of my miscarriages is chance. That my 1:4 came up. Twice. Or my 1:16 came up for all you maths buffs out there.

But then the warning came. Do not pass go, do not collect $100.

He urged me not to succumb to pressure of well meaning family and friends, not to put pressure on myself. That I am young. That Champ is still young. Do not put pressure for this to happen too quickly.

Despite his cautious optimism, we should run blood tests. We should wait for the results. The results won't be back for another 2 weeks. Ok, I say. We'll sit this cycle out. Whoops, his next appointment isn't for another month (my next Cd14). Ok, make that sitting out two cycles. At best. So, no more making babies for the Lemoncakes until New Years Eve.

Here are 15 vials for pathology to fill with bood. Happy New Year!

Blessings

2009-10-29T19:55:00.002+11:00

This evening I was busily getting everything ready for our 'early start' to the pregnancy management clinic tomorrow morning (it's at 9 a.m. in the city - leaving home with enough time to make it through peak hour traffic will mean waking before our precious little miraculously-sleeping-in-regularly-since-daylight-savings-change-over lovely boy).

I was searching our office for all of my relevant medical history: ultrasounds, blood tests, referral letter, etc. but the letter was no where to be found. A more organised woman may have filed all of her miscarriage documents in one place, but not this one. I finally found it between some of Champ's finger paintings and his 2011 pre-school information letter.

It struck right then me how lucky I am to have him. Some women are surviving this battle and worse ones without the help of finger paintings to cheer and distract them. Whilst the thought didn't quite stop me from crying at Muscles' before and after ultrasound images it did make me plant an extra kiss onto Champ's chubby cheek and thank God for my blessings.

Part of 'The Club'

2009-10-23T09:57:00.003+11:00

It looks like I am now part of a club that I never asked to be a member of and wish fervently that didn't exist at all, for anyone to join.

Since my miscarriages this year, whenever people note that I have an 'almost 2 year old' (which I now say rather than trying to remember exactly how many months Champ is) they ask when he is going to become a big brother. Seeing as they feel comfortable enough asking me about my family planning, I feel that they can handle hearing the truth. If not, they wouldn't have asked, surely.

More often than not when I 'out' myself to people I hear in return stories of their (or their sister's/BFF's/boss') miscarriages, struggles to conceive, even once the story of egg donors being the only way the woman could carry a live child to term.

I am now part of 'The Club'. People feel that since I have experienced loss, they are comfortable talking to me about their fertility issues. We talk about their charts this month, how often they 'did it' on the one time they were successful at conception, tell me when they are on CD1 and all they want to do is go home to bed and cry.

I am part of 'The Club'. But I am not. I want to stamp my foot and scream 'I am not joining this stinkin' club! I never asked to be here! I am super fertile!'. But I am part of the club. This time next week I will be at the Pregnancy Management Clinic in a department that specialises in multiple miscarriages.

In a freak of the universe I have no one to babysit Champ that day (people are usually lining up to do it, but this one day everyone is busy). I really don't want to bring him. Not because it will be hard work getting him to refrain from running around and touching everything with his sticky little fingers while I discuss our issues with the doc, not even because I don't know how long we will have to be there and if it will run into his nap time. I don't want to take him because I am worried about upsetting the other women in the waiting room who have also experienced multiple miscarriage and may not have the delight of a toddler to take their minds off the worries of the world.

My Mum's comment on that was 'That's a lovely thought, Red. But that's the way the world is. Those women can't get away from it, or never see little children.'. But maybe it is because I am part of 'The Club' that I can feel so deeply for these other women. Maybe I am part of 'The Club' after all.

His parent's son

2009-10-20T15:27:00.002+11:00

Champ is one of us, he is a Lemoncake through and through. It is enchanting watching certain characteristics he has inherited from both Cowboy and myself emerge in this new little person. I read recently ('The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox' if anyone is interested in a fascinating read) that when we are born we are an anagram of all of our ancestors. I have definitely noticed Cowboy and my initials imprinted in Champ.

For instance, Champ is grumpy when he is hungry, loves television, hot chips, cheese and ice-cream, is a thinker, takes a while to warm up in new social settings and loves his Mummy very much. All traits shared with Cowboy.

Champ also is stunningly attractive, exceptionally intelligent and very quick witted. Just like me. Ok, ok. Maybe we don't know where exactly he got those traits from.

But he is a chatterbox and somewhat of a show off, loves reading and being out and about, craves attention constantly, adores being centre stage, is rather partial to his Daddy and is scared of the butterfly enclosure at the zoo. Just like his Mummy.

There is one little characteristic that must be a throw back from past generations (probably my Grandfather actually), he is a little comedian. Since he was young, if he found something that made everyone in the room laugh he would perform it over and over to get the reaction. Early on it was simply things like rolling his eyes in an imitation of a teenage child upon seeing his parents do something incredibly silly or embarrassing. Lately it has been slapstick comedy.

He will run around calling out, 'yun, yun, yun' ('run, run, run' for those that don't speak 'Champ') and then cry out 'pall' (fall) just as he attempts a little somersault or otherwise crashes to the ground. He will then roll around the floor saying 'Oh no!' basking in the laughter of those around him (or the sigh of his mother who has seen the act more times than I ever asked for).

Somewhat cuter is when he engages in imaginative play by getting teddy to do the act while Champ commentates. When teddy falls and cries 'Oh no!' Champ picks him up and says 'Zaza (Xavier) kiss, all gone' (like the way Mummy's kiss makes Champ's hurts go away).

I'll concede that his streak of kindness comes from his Dad too.

Sigh

2009-10-14T12:36:00.002+11:00

A mother at playgroup who announced her pregnancy the same day I did (Turtledove) delivered a daughter yesterday, Gracie. I love the name.

Sigh.

Another friend showed me her 14 week ultrasound pictures today. We were due the same week (Muscles). I was doing a really good job of not remembering which week I would have been up to too.

Sigh.

I have just over two weeks until we see the specialist. This cycle we are actively preventing pregnancy (given our track record, we really do need to). It seems so counterproductive.

Sigh.

Champ was watching Playschool this week and the presenter asked 'Do you have a little brother or a sister?', he turned to me and said 'Sister, Mummy? Sister?'. I wish.

Sigh.

At playgroup Champ spends most of the time playing in the dollies corner, putting the dolls to bed and pushing them in the pram (the rest of the time he spends in the play kitchen - domesticated little man that he is).

He has really started noticing the little playgroup babies (sisters and brothers of kids his age). Today he was besotted by a 5 month old baby there. As soon as he saw her he started calling 'fia, fia!' to little Sophia. I hadn't even realised he knew her name. Then, all of the session he was watching her and smiling at her, he would hand her toys and pretend to tickle her (we stopped the tickling when he started with a 'squeeze fia's toes' game). He came running to tell me when she fell asleep 'fia sleeping' then when she woke up 'fia wake'. I had to hold back the tears watching him. He will make a great big brother someday, hopefully.

Ok, one more big sigh, then back to getting on with life:

Sigh.

Mummia

2009-10-11T07:34:00.006+11:00

Champ took quite a while to say my name. I distinctly remember that he could say cheese, dada, bird and book before he showed any interest in saying the name of his most loved thing - me! We used to joke that he didn't say my name because he just saw me as an extension of himself, not anything that he would ever need to call - I was already always there.

When he did finally say 'Mumma' I thought I would never get tired of hearing him say my name. I was wrong.

This week, wherever he is, whatever he is doing he randomly calls out 'Mummia!'; he could be happy as Larry (happy guy, that one) playing by himself, not actually needing anything and I still here 'Mummia!'.

Conversations can go like this:

'Mummia!';
'Champ?',
'Mummia.';
'Champ.';
'Mummiaaaaa!';
'Aaaaarrrggghhh!';
'Mummia? Play?'.

If you are curious about the use of 'Mummia' rather than 'Mummy', we are too. At the moment Cowboy and I are 'Daddia' and 'Mummia' respectively. The only conclusion we have drawn is that it is a misunderstanding by Champ about social norms.

You see Champ's actual name (I know you are very surprised that his real name is not Champ) is:

(Sans the 'I heart' part)

So you see, when pronounced, it ends in 'ier' OR 'ia' to an Aussie.

So we figure Champ thinks that '-ia' is a polite thing to add to people's name. Like the Japanese have '-san' or '-chan'. If you come up with a better reason, we would love to hear it.

Must go, Champ calls.

Off hold

2009-10-06T08:56:00.003+11:00

This past year I have been putting many parts of my life on hold. Paused. To be continued.

I expected to have baby this December, and then again in April, so why should I start my business/loose weight/etc, etc?

As of about a week ago, I have resumed life.

Champ and I are walking most places and I have been trying to eat just as healthily as I make him eat (Seriously, what was I thinking serving him fresh grapes while I eat chocolate biscuits?). I don't know if the exercise will continue once I am pregnant again since I am paranoid of overdoing it after the miscarriages, BUT that isn't going to stop me from doing it before I fall pregnant anymore.

I have also started doing some thing for myself in the form of work. I am just doing what I feel like, when I feel like it. But right now I am enjoying it so much that I am doing it all through Champ's nap time and well into the night each night.

I really wanted to sell modern cloth nappies via party plan (because I love them and can't stop talking about them to everyone I meet anyway!). I recognise that there is quite a small market for this and I didn't want to go to the effort of starting my own business with such a small market, so I am selling the cloth, but also selling Tupperware via party plan.

I am hoping to do all of the work getting parties for the Tupperware side, and then if I am at a party with someone who is pregnant or has small children (which constitutes most people at Tupperware parties), I have an active audience to slip in about the wonders of cloth nappies for those interested. I already have a few Mum's talking about setting themselves up with cloth so there are lots of willing people out there who just need demonstrations to see how easy cloth is these days.

So I am a busy Mummy at the moment, and loving it. I adore staying home with Champ, but I hope that this business gives me that little extra challenge that I need, just for me.

Cheers!

2009-09-30T16:09:00.001+10:00

Cowboy, Champ and I just returned from a lovely little 4 generation getaway (Champ, me, my Mum and my Grandmother - along with two of my siblings). Champ was totally spoiled for company with everyone vying for his attention while Cowboy and I sat back and relaxed (we are paying for it now though with a 'lil muchikin who thinks someone - me - should be playing with him every waking minute of the day).

As I could have predicted, AF decided to crash the party. Once again 4 weeks after miscarriage, Bam!, my cycle is back. I am hoping that this heralds a new phase in my moods. For the last 4 weeks my moods have gone through all of the mourning stages. The strongest of all were anger and sadness.

My moods were not necessarily directed at the object of the loss, more upon almost everything else in my life (thankfully Champ escaped unscathed - the same can not be said for Cowboy).

I have been left shaking with rage at Cowboy for forgetting to tell me he was off for the morning to play squash, and again when I was stuck in traffic that made me late for the toy library, arriving just after close time, I was frequently angry at the back gate for not opening/closing easily enough.

This last week I have been very sad. Sad that so many of my clothes seem to have shrunk (particularly in the tummy and thigh areas), sad that my friends and I hadn't caught up for so long and then when we did things were a little awkward, sad that our 'good' couches have little finger print stains all over them.

But with the arrival of AF, my moods seem to have settled a bit. I am no longer left raging hours after the storm which drenched my clean clothes which had been left of the line has passed. I don't feel like crying into my cup of tea when Champ throws his bowl of cereal over board.

I feel more stable.

This cycle will be a non-event. It seems counter intuitive to waste a cycle when we want to add to our family so strongly. But that is the choice we have made. We will wait until our appointment with the specialist at the end of next month and see where we go from there.

So instead of using the month to try to conceive, I will be using it to get back into shape a bit with lots of walks to the park and lots of good healthy food choices. I have let 3 months of pregnancy and many more months of mourning add far too many kilos to my weight scale. I think that shedding the kilos will help me to shed some more of the mood swings too.

So I'm off now to down my carrot sticks and rice crackers with a nice glass of cold water. Cheers! To stability.

I extended my Loungeroom:

2009-09-22T07:20:00.002+10:00

Playing with the caterpillar we found in the back yard we had a great science lesson about the whole caterpillar - cocoon - butterfly thing.

Arts and craft times are what Champ enjoys most. Moving the fingerpainting outside was genius as I could sit and enjoy a cuppa while he played happily for over an hour (this includes time playing with the water while washing up the paint brushes and containers afterwards - you know, the best bit).

In his pajamas practicing his 'cool' look for the playground the next day.

What's the rush anyway?

2009-09-19T13:19:00.002+10:00

After my second miscarriage Cowboy and I had some decisions to make about what to do next. If you will recall, he thought we should just go and try a third time since conception happens pretty quickly for us, whereas I was leaning towards not gestating for 10 weeks before being back to square one again. Again. One thing that was holding me back was cost.

I don't know how much fertility docs are, but I know they are not cheap. We do have private cover, but that still leaves a pretty big out of pocket expense. I know that cost alone would not stop me from investigating further, however Cowboy's argument that we could have just been unlucky with the gene pool twice (rather than it being any long term, fixable problem) did have some weight - especially since we have no difficulty with my first pregnancy.

I had pretty much reconciled myself to trying again next cycle (waiting out my first post-miscarriage cycle), that way by the new year I would either be 12 weeks along or on my way to a specialist to cure all our problems (ha!). But then I met a mother at one of our breastfeeding association meetings who also had a child Champ's age. I asked her if her daughter was her only one and she responded that having her daughter had literally almost killed her so as much as she would dearly love another one, she wasn't going to risk it. This led me to open up to her and another Mum close by that we had been trying to make Champ a big brother but that we miscarried twice this year. The other Mum asked if we were going to see anyone and recommended a doctor (a professor actually) at the hospital which Champ had been born at who would see you after only two consecutive miscarriages. She had been herself having suffered two before she had her daughter and could not recommend him highly enough. The hospital is a public hospital. Free!

The place the professor works is called the recurrent miscarriage clinic and it sees women who have have three consecutive miscarriages, however there is another department, the pregnancy management clinic (PMC) which sees you after 'only' two. For free!

The PMC offers consultation before conception (including blood work and pelvic ultrasounds) as well as treatment if any problems are found. It also continues to see you weekly once you do conceive. Weekly. For free!

Having had Champ at this hospital (in the Family Birth Centre) under public care I know that some of the best doctors and midwives in Australia work in the public system and they give fantastic care (even post birth - Champ's hospital stay of 36 hours in special care was in this hospital and I know for a fact that many private hospitals were sending their intensive care babies to this hospital because it has the best reputation). I do know however that the public system is pushed to near breaking point and it is very difficult to get into their care. They only allow you one ultrasound at 18-20 weeks for the entire pregnancy. However, if you are managed under the PMC you get an ultrasound weekly for the first 12 weeks, plus one whenever you feel worried and need reassurance. Did I mention that it is free?!

So it all sounds great and I went to my GP last week and go the referral. I spoke to the clinic this week to schedule my appointment. The lady was lovely. She gave me an appointment with the professor.

For the 30th of October.

Do they not understand how women's cycles work? That will be after my next cycle. It will even be 7 days into the next, next cycle. If they have to run blood tests over the whole cycle that will mean waiting for the next, next, next cycle. And then wait for the results (next, next, next, next cycle?). And then possibly treatments.

So I am having a little meltdown thinking about it. Cowboy has very considerately not mentioned that we just try one more time since I may well end up 12 weeks into a successful pregnancy by the time we are even to get the results back from the professor (although I am sure we have both thought it).

Then a little voice inside my head asks me 'What is the rush anyway?'.

Even if we wait and are not able to commence operation baby making until the new year, Champ will only be 2 years 9 months by the time his sibling is due. Hardly a huge age gap (my ideal has always been 2.5 years).

We are very happy as a one child family at the moment (albeit with dreams of more children in our heads which we are not able to surrender). Champ would like a playmate, sure, but Mummy makes the best playmate for a 2 year old anyway.

Then I remember why I am in such a rush.

I will turn 30 next October.

The brick wall. The age which is a marker in a women's life between youth and being ancient (ok, a little melodramatic maybe). I know I won't suddenly develop gray hairs, wrinkles and be unable to run around and keep up with my kids anymore the moment I turn 30... but it sure feels like it.

So there is my dilemma. Go it alone (well, with Cowboy) and hope to have a baby next July (well and truly enough time to get in shape for a rocking 30th birthday party!) or see the professor and receive all the additional medical attention and support and be either in labour or still sore from the stitches at my birthday party?

Attitude

2009-09-17T08:33:00.003+10:00

I have noticed lately how I walk away from some conversations with certain Mums feeling grateful, happy and hopeful; and from conversations with other Mums feeling grumpy and dissatisfied. Some Mums have such a positive attitude towards parenting and their children that I mentally count my blessings as I walk away from their company; other Mums are so dissatisfied with their lot in life that their dark cloud starts to follow me around for the rest of the day and I find myself finding fault in my darling little boy.

Upon further examining these mothers, I realise that the children of these different types of mothers are all really the same, not better or worse bahaved than the other. It is the attitude of the mothers that makes them either darling angels or cheeky minxes. Often it seems that these 'difficult' children have been labeled 'difficult' since before they were even born. Have you ever noticed that 'difficult' labels are almost impossible to remove?

These mothers often had 'difficult' pregnancies and 'difficult' birthing experiences; the baby was 'difficult' and now the toddler is, of course, 'difficult'.

I know that these experiences can be easier or more difficult to varying degrees; however, all pregnancies are uncomfortable at the least, not many births are a walk in the park, all babies cry and fuss, and all toddlers are clingy attention seeking, tantrum throwing little beings. At times.

Some mothers manage to talk about their toddler with a smile on their face and a twinkle in their eye as they juggle the kid on one hip while calming him down from a tantrum, accepting and enjoying the fact that their child wants their attention more than any other thing in the world.

All I can do it try to surround myself with these kind of parents so that my attitude can be just as positive. Raising children is not easy; but nothing that is worth it ever is.

Holidays

2009-09-15T13:42:00.005+10:00

It just occurred to me that I have not blogged about this wonderful holiday that I have been on for the last 6 weeks. Let me tell you about it.

Pretty much straight after I quit work to raise Champ full time, Cowboy's work started offering redundancy packages. Cowboy hadn't been there very long (2 years) but he was considering looking around for another job with more pay, more mental stimulation, less hours and closer to home (you know, something ideal). The package covered about 4 months of his salary and by the time you consider that it is tax free, it came to about 6 months of his net wage (good to have an accountant for a wife, see?), in which time we are pretty sure he will find another job. Of course, he took the package.

So for the last 6 weeks the parent to child ratio in our house has been 2:1. Bliss!

Do you have any idea how easy life would be with two full time parents and only one reasonably well behaved toddler to take care of? Holiday for everyone! Of course we are rationing money a little (just in case) so we can't actually afford a holiday anywhere special, but the fact that I can leave the house during Champ's nap time, Cowboy can take Champ to the park in the afternoon so that I can vacuum and tidy up in peace, and I can read Champ stories while Cowboy takes his time preparing dinner each night makes for a very relaxed atmosphere in the Lemoncake household.

We sometimes take the divide and conquer route whereby Champ gets all of one parent's attention while the other either does household chores or relaxes with a good book. But we find our family is happier when we all get a piece of the action whereby we dress up and clean up together and then get out of the house for the morning, either to the zoo, a park, a children's farm or a play centre, sometimes even a day trip around our lovely state.

Soon Cowboy will begin the job hunt in earnest. It is probably a good thing both for our finances and our sanity. He has openly admitted that full time parenting is not for him. I don't think I could hack it, he says. And despite the extra help I get, sometimes I think it would be better for our relationship if we went back to the 'evenings and weekends only' relationship which existed before. I freely admit that I get frustrated if I feel he is not pulling his weight. Despite previously doing it all by myself when he was at work, I feel tired and angry when I know that he is slacking off somewhere in the house while I am cleaning and entertaining Champ. I don't mind doing it all when he is at work; but he is not at work so it is frustrating all.

Overall, this time with Champ has been great for their relationship and for Cowboy's parenting skills. It does, however, bring into prominence the difference in our parenting styles. When it is occasionally my turn to sleep-in in the morning (very occasional, ok?) I wake at 10 am or so to find both Champ and Cowboy in pajamas, breakfast bowls still on the table, toys everywhere and them both in front of the tv watching cartoons. I don't need to tell you how exactly opposite this picture looks when it is Daddy's turn for a sleep in. Cowboy would actually be hard pressed to find us both still at home at 10 am, he would also find the house tidy (maybe not clean, but tidy), pajamas folded and a load of washing having been hung our on the line. Still, I get an occasional sleep in, right?

Holidays are great and make for wonderful happy memories; but all holidays have to come to an end sometime.

And maybe that is a good thing.

Schooooool's out for ... ever!

2009-09-10T10:30:00.002+10:00

So I know I quit work to be a SAHM a few months ago (best thing I ever did!), but this week was Champ's actual last day at 'school' (daycare). Now before you go thinking I was sitting around for 3 days a week sipping lattes childless, I'll let you know that it wasn't like that.

I left work with the desire to start my own small business at home (in addition to caring for Champ full time). I spent a couple of weeks looking into the idea and created a business plan, I am educated as an accountant so it wasn't too much of a stretch to figure out what I would do from home. Then I fell pregnant. My business plans fell by the wayside as I found it useless to build up a client base just to throw it all away in 6 months when Muscles was due.

Meanwhile, since Champ was doing well at daycare when he was there 3 days per week, despite my better judgement, we decided to keep him in one day a week so I could give the business a red hot go. Champ didn't like the change. I think one day a week is too hard. When it was more frequent he was in the routine of going, but when we cut it right back there was too big a gap between daycare days and it stressed him out to be left there. The carers kept saying that as soon as I left he was fine and had a great day, but I was never happy about it and never enjoyed my one day per week 'off'.

Even once the business idea was put on hold, I kept him in for a while because it would be good for me to have that break when Muscles arrived. Before the miscarriage though, I decided it was too much stress for everyone and gave the centre our four weeks notice. Last Monday was the fourth week. We are now officially a daycare free family! Yay!

I know there are some benefits to childcare. The socialisation, the early (forced) independence and skills that the carer can teach that Mum and Dad might not have thought of. I really liked his daycare centre, as far as daycare centres go.

Overall though, I find daycare centres to be lacking in one vital thing: parental love. How can it be better for someone else to care for my child than for me to? No one else loves him as much. No one else cares about his learning and development as much as I do. No one else can be better than a Mum for a toddler.

So, I tried. I never wanted Champ to grow up in daycare. Maybe selfishly, I just never wanted anyone else to see him more than I do. But I gave it a go. Cowboy went to daycare full time at Champ's age. He turned out ok.

But I was never able to quiet that voice inside my head that told me that it wasn't right. I could never reconcile myself to the idea that even 3 days in childcare was a 'good' thing for Champ.

And, as all mothers do, I wanted the best for him. I wanted 1 on 1 care (a better carer:child ratio than any childcare centre), I wanted him to explore the big wide world (rather than one playroom), I wanted the most involved, caring, loving person to care for him, I wanted the person who knows him best to be teaching him and helping him learn about the world.

I wanted him in the full time care of his Mum. And now I do.

21

2009-09-07T07:18:00.003+10:00

This month my baby boy, Champ, will turn 21 months old.

This year my baby sister, Clare, will turn 21 years old.

I want to cry with how the time has passed. It really wasn't that long ago that my sister was 21 months old. Really.

My baby sister has been my substitute daughter. I was 8 when she was born; the right age to want to help Mum out with all the Mummy tasks. I paced the floor while she screamed through long afternoons when Mum was too tired (she was a screamer as a child, I can not emphasise that word enough), I sat watching tv folding her cloth nappies for hours, I watched proudly all of her toddler dress up and singing performances both at home and on stage, I cried bucket loads the first day she told me that some rotten kid had called her names at school. She is now such a great friend to me. She has been my single biggest helper outside of our household since Champ has been born, coming over for a whole day each week to keep me company (and sane in the early days) and play endlessly with Champ while I get things done.

Champ will sometimes pick up my handbag, or his nappy bag, or anything that looks like a bag and hangs it over his shoulder saying 'Bye, (see you) soon.' as he walks towards the front door. I just know that the time will fly so fast until he will be turning 21 years old and his little 'goodbye' charade will be reality.

And I want to cry.

Different

2009-09-03T07:13:00.003+10:00

Warning: Gross post. Don't read if you have a weak stomach.

Sometimes life is just too cruel.

At 10 weeks gestation with Champ I had an ultrasound. Cowboy and I experienced the absolute thrill of seeing him waving his little arms (arm buds we were told they were) to say 'Hi Mummy and Daddy'. That image of joy will stay with us forever.

Yesterday I should have been 10 weeks gestation with Muscles. I alone in the bathroom at playgroup experienced another image that will permanently stay with me. I passed Muscles in one laugh.

While laughing with another Mum I felt an odd thing escaping me. I excused myself for the bathroom and there falling into the toilet, before I had a chance to react, was my baby. It looked just like the internet said it should at 9 weeks.

I started at Muscles for quite a while. What option did I have but to flush? I don't know what I would have done if it had fallen onto my pad instead and I had the option of doing something else with it. So I said a silent prayer and flushed.

Snakes

2009-09-01T14:00:00.002+10:00

I am deeply saddened by the loss of our baby Muscles. I have many emotions about it, and yet somehow they seem dimmer than last time.

Maybe it is because I have already experienced miscarriage once. The emotions aren't taking me by surprise this time.

Maybe last time there was more shock and surprise. I am surprised by this outcome, I really thought that this would be our baby. With Turtledove I had strange denial feelings all along, but this time I 'knew' it would work out (more fool me). But the first time that we miscarried there was certainly a lot of 'this type of thing doesn't happen to us' thinking. This time, I knew that 'this type of thing' happens to lots of people and that includes us. Twice.

Maybe it's that I know that I'll recover. I don't want to discount the emotions of miscarriage, however it is different than I feared the first time. Recoverable. I cannot even stomach the thought of what it would do to Cowboy and I if we were to loose Champ. From that, we would never recover. Now I know that miscarriage is not in the same league. Last time, I thought I would go to pieces. Which I did, momentarily. But our family recovered. And we will again.

So my emotions are still hurting, but not as much. I am very sad about loosing Muscles. I am worried about future pregnancies. Overwhelmingly, I am frustrated by where we are.

As Cowboy pointed out to me last night, I have to do the first trimester over, and over. The worst trimester. I am a much nicer and happier pregnant woman once trimester 2 comes around. I promise.

So despite slogging it our for nearly 10 weeks this time, almost having the end to the first trimester nausea, exhaustion and grumpiness behind me, I am back where we started. I made it 10 weeks and then landed on the snake; the one that takes you back to square one.

Fat lady singing

2009-08-31T19:59:00.002+10:00

My doctor sent me to have an ultrasound today once I explained the situation. The ultrasound confirmed that there is just emptiness where my baby should be.

I have had some blood tests and will have some further tests on Wednesday to check that everything has passed. I don't know how it could have since I didn't have any cramping or see any clots, but apparently my uterus is just a big empty space. Mystery to me.

My doctor is my GP. I don't have a team of fertility doctors on call for me to ask questions. My doctor is as knowledgeable about the common cold, sun spots and tinea as she is about pregnancy and miscarriage. I guess I will never have enough answers anyway so it wouldn't make much difference if she could explain it better.

So many bad thoughts have passed in the last couple of days. I have summer maternity clothes; now I don't need them; now I need a new summer wardrobe. I saw the heartbeat, Muscles was alive, but not anymore. All that morning sickness for nothing. Time wasted. Energy wasted. Love wasted.

And we are now at a 'where to from here?' point. My doctor is very proactive. In an instant she would refer me to a specialist if that was my request. So despite doctors generally waiting until the third consecutive miscarriages to react, she would act now, for me.

I don't know if that is what I want though. I know that statistically the odds are still in our favour for a successful pregnancy next time. That doesn't stop the worry and angst meanwhile. My doctor says she thinks we should try once more by ourselves. Her point is that we conceive so very easily so it is not like we would be 'wasting' a lot of time in trying again. Just 'wasting' love, dreams and hope.

I have no real idea of what the specialist tests would be. I think my next step is research. Or, maybe research while Cowboy and I practice our baby making. This time, there ain't no waiting.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

2009-08-31T10:47:00.002+10:00

Saturday afternoon my spotting became bleeding.

'It is too much blood.' I told Cowboy when he asked if there was any hope left.

I kept bleeding through Sunday, soaking pads with bright red, thin, watery blood. Sometimes it was thick and maroon just to spice things up. Sunday afternoon I felt a stabbing pain down where my baby must have been. I took some pain killers and went to bed.

This morning Champ blessed us with a sleep in (7.45 - wohoo!). I asked Cowboy to collect him as I wanted to stand up and immediately go to the bathroom to clean up and change pads. I expected a lot more blood. But there was none.

This morning I have had no more blood. I have not passed any clots. I have not had any cramping.

Maybe it means that I will need a D&C because my body isn't clearing it on its own.

I wish I could squelch this stupid, stupid, stupid hope that is coming up every time I think of Muscles. I don't want to hope if it is only to be shattered yet again.

Empty

2009-08-30T07:54:00.001+10:00

Another miscarriage.

The emotional pain is coming in waves.

But mostly I just feel an emptiness in my stomach.

Another (hopefully) 9 Month Long Panic Attack

2009-08-29T07:15:00.004+10:00

The last couple of mornings I have woken to small, small, small amounts of blood as I wipe after using the bathroom. I have actually been remarkably calm about it; mostly because I realise that at this early stage nothing can be done if the worst has started. I will not rush to the emergency department, I will not expect an ultrasound, I will not expect the doctors to do anything other than confide that they can't see into the future any clearer than I can.

So, I have just picked up and gotten on with life. What else can I do?

But then when Champ is asleep or I have a moment to myself, I do allow my mind to wander.

I already love Muscles. Don't let this happen.

Champ would benefit so much from a sibling. He already asks after the baby. I want a playmate for Champ close to his age. This close. This exact time. 2 years 4 months. Perfect.

What if something is wrong with me since I delivered Champ? What if I can never again carry a baby through to a healthy, safe delivery?

I can't remember what it felt like to feel Champ move inside me. Oh my God, what if I can never carry a baby through to that stage and I can't remember what it felt like to feel a baby move inside of me? I loved the feeling. What if I never get to feel it again? Please let me feel it again.

Glowing report

2009-08-28T09:57:00.002+10:00

We have just returned from Champ's Health Centre check up, so please excuse me while I partake of some Mummy-bragging. The health nurse was so pleased with him. She could not believe how much he is speaking, especially for a boy and the concepts he can understand.

When we first got in she was taking to him and he was just staring at her. She asked me is he knows any words yet. I was incredulous, but hid it and just replied that he does speak quite a lot but will just take a while to warm up. Although I wanted to reply 'Does he speak any words? Well only over 100 of them.'

Soon afterwards she asked him to show her his nose, and the picture of a pig on the wall. Then she asked him to sit on the chair in the room so she could test him a little. He sat down and and saw he pencils 'Colouring' he exclaimed; unused to pencils (we use crayons) he held it the wrong way; 'Upside down' he realised his mistake; 'Broken' he pointed out that the pencil needed to be sharpened. Then he drew on the paper a little with another one and then noticed some other toys on the table.

He started playing with the beads on the wire frame 'Up, down, up, down.'; 'Orange' he pointed to the orange bead (yes, Cowboy's jump-the-gun colour teaching has finally paid off). He moved to the blocks 'Block...s' (I don't know how he figured out plurals, but often uses the plural form of words with a pause before the 's'); 'nuther one' he said as he added each block to build the tower; 'Down' they all came crashing to the table; 'Again, one more time' he loves this game; One by one up they went again 'One, two, tee, pour'.

Ok kid, now you're just showing off! None the less, cue proud parents who realise that despite the tedium, the hours of play time we have poured into this kid are absolutely priceless.

The rest of the session went pretty much the same, Champ overachieving in every area. Then, she suggested that since he is quite ahead in other areas he might be ready to toilet train quite early. Drat! I had thought that his glowing report would mean I could slack off a bit and wait for the other kiddies to catch up (ok, so maybe not really).

I confessed that he does tell me before he does a poo and he can wee on demand when we ask him to in the bath. She said that with summer coming up I should let him run around with no nappy on outside so that he sees cause and effect and gets used to predicting the sensation. Ok, so that doesn't sound too hard. I have heard from other mothers that toilet training is the single hardest thing that they have done in child rearing. Running around naked though, that is a first step that I can handle.

9 weeks a blessing

2009-08-26T13:28:00.002+10:00

Muscles and I are 9 weeks today and I am happy we are here. I am tired, ravenous, emotional and nauseous, but so happy!

I have started to wonder when I can expect to feel movement this time around. I thought I felt Champ move at 15 weeks when I sneezed. Whether that was really it or not I can't be sure though. I know that second time around you can generally feel movement earlier than the first time, but I'm not sure quite how out of shape by tummy muscles have become. If my current physical state is anything to go by, it might be pretty early!

I am scheduling my blood test for the Downs screening for Monday week when I'll be 10.5 weeks. We decided to go ahead with the screening test (which we didn't do with Champ) for a few reasons. One was that I wanted another ultrasound (12 weeks) just to check up on Muscles. Another was that it is a more serious issue this time as we also have to consider Champ should anything be amiss, not just ourselves. One more reason has cemented our decision is bad news which a poor friend of mine received after the test.

She is only 31 but received a 1 in 9 risk rate at the screening test. At the amnio test at 15 weeks they found out that the baby had heart and brain problems, but also that the organs were forming on the outside of the body. Even if they decided to give the baby a chance to survive, his odds were not good.

I don't know what they decided; only that she lost the baby sometime this past week. I don't know if it happened naturally (which was quite likely) or if it was their decision and I understand her keeping that information to themselves. This friend has a daughter the same age as Champ and I know that her daughter's future, her understanding of what was happening and her emotions were serious considerations that my friend took into account when making her decision.

I am so sorry for my friend's loss. I will give Champ and Muscles an extra cuddle tonight before bed and thank God for all of our blessings.

Springing into action

2009-08-24T10:08:00.003+10:00

Yesterday I simultaneously blunted my razor in one use and lost about 100 grams. Yes, spring is springing a little early down under and it was time for the annual de-fuzzing of my legs. Of course today the weather has decided to remind us of the winter which is almost over and now my legs are cold beneath my tracksuit pants, but they'll be ready come next week - Spring!

Cowboy, Champ and I have used the early nice weather to get into some gardening. A typical afternoon involves Cowboy dead wooding, pruning and raking. Me trying to get some weeding or veggie planting done while supervising Champ. And said cheeky toddler doing all manner of non-productive garden play.

This week alone I have caught him pulling up some newly sprouted tiny sweet pea sprouts and proclaiming he was 'weeding' like his Mummy. I turned my back for an instant (yeah, I know I should have learnt not to do that) and turned back to find him at my height, having scaled Cowboy's ladder until he was 6 feet up it. And then once, quietly playing by the porch saying 'push, push, push' at regular intervals.

Curious, I crept quietly over to him to check over his shoulder what he was doing. After a little chuckle to myself, I left him be and got back to the weeding. He was squashing ants, one by one with his little fingers. Push, push, push. Boys will be boys, and I got a few minutes peace out of it.

Superstitious

2009-08-20T07:37:00.005+10:00

So I forgot to post an update yesterday when I was actually 8 weeks. Well, I didn't forget but I was busy during the day and then too tired at night. But I was thinking of blogging, does that count? I was thinking of you Muscles. Oh boy, was I thinking of you as I struggled to force down my food through the all day nausea.

So I have much the same symptoms as last week, only more exaggerated. I am super sensitive, sick and exhausted. Fun! But I am happy. Generally, until something makes me cry. Like an advert, or a nice passage in a book. You know, something important.

One new symptom has emerged though and I am sure it is related to the pregnancy. Superstitiousness.

Every morning I ask Champ to say hello to the baby, to cuddle the baby, to kiss the baby and to say 'I love you, baby.'
Every night Cowboy has a little 'chat' with our baby, encouraging it to stick around. If he forgets, I remind him.
Each night after I turn off the lights I continue that chat with Muscles. Telling the baby how much we love it and how much Daddy, Champ and I are looking forward to it joining the family.
Every night I ask God to take care of Champ and Muscles. I tell Him that I want them to be happy and healthy and grow old together as best friends.

I don't know what will happen if I don't do these things each day. Because I do them each day, so why would I need to know otherwise?

Grateful?

2009-08-17T12:00:00.002+10:00

Red: I can barely stand this nausea now, honey. (tearily) It has gone from that background nausea to full on feeling like I am going to chuck constantly.
Cowboy: (grinning from ear to ear) Good! Great to hear darling!

I am grateful that fell pregnant. I am very grateful that Muscles has stuck around this far. I am very, very grateful that we are (God willing) expecting a new baby in April next year. But does that mean I have to be grateful for feeling this poorly too?

I love you (or: Bad, bad Mummy)

2009-08-14T07:31:00.002+10:00

I think it has been well documented here that despite his many wonderful characteristics, Champ is not a good sleeper. He improved significantly when he weaned himself at 14 months, but still continues to be very hit and miss from night to night.

Recently we have been going through a bad patch. A very bad patch. He was sick a couple of weeks ago and was shocking, and despite him being a lot better now he has gotten used to night waking again.

Two nights ago I hit a wall (no, not literally although it might have made me feel better than what I actually did). Champ woke up ago at 1 a.m. screaming. I went in to him and as soon as he heard me he calmed right down as I tucked his covers back around him. Then as I made to leave he started screaming at me. I was very firm (somewhere between a nice calm but firm voice and yelling at the kid) and said 'It is sleeping time, no crying. No Champ, NO CRYING. CHAMP! Mummy said no crying.' He continued fussing as I tried to leave the room. So I said loudly "Ssssshhhhh! No crying. Sleeping time!' and left the room to his wailing.

Two seconds later I hear him screaming 'I love you! I love you!' repeatedly in a very angry non-loving-you kind of way.

I was so cross at this continued waking that I didn't trust myself not to yell at him if I walked back in again, so I went back to bed and asked Cowboy for a hand. He went in and calmed Champ and Champ continued to sleep for the rest of the night.

But I didn't. I was so upset with myself for loosing it. I mean, surely I can be compassionate to my son at night just as much as during the day. Then I realised the worst part about it all.

When I leave Champ's room and say good night I always finish with 'Goodnight, I love you.'. Always. Except that night at 1 am. The poor kid was screaming at me because I hadn't told him I loved him. Of course I knew that he knew that I loved him. But knowing that didn't help me sleep a wink that night.

BTW, just to make me feel even worse he woke up with another tooth, plus another one almost peeking through and two more bulging gums. Poor kid is getting all his eye teeth at once, and they are terribly painful ones I hear. Bad, bad Mummy.

7 weeks

2009-08-12T13:03:00.003+10:00

I am happy to say that Muscles and I have made it to the 7 week mark!

Still experiencing morning sickness at times (usually when I am hungry, full, thirsty, need the bathroom, or have been standing too long) and am completely exhausted. I could seriously sleep 16 hours of the day. I have even once succumbed to having a nap while Champ did (and I am only 7 weeks - imagine by 37 weeks!). I also have been bleeding and gagging while brushing my teeth, have had pins and needles more often and feel light headed when I stand up quickly. All my good old pregnancy symptoms. Yay!

I decided to be brave and weight myself yesterday. I actually haven't put on any weight yet. I realise that at 7 weeks I shouldn't yet have put on any weight, but the way my jeans are fitting me I thought I must have. Looks like it is just a redistribution of body mass, although I can't figure where I have gotten smaller to account for my larger waist and hips.

I am absolutely not making weight gain an issue during this pregnancy. However, I ask you to view these two photos below. Let's just agree that I'll try to be more careful this time. Breastfeeding two hourly around the clock and a child that didn't sleep unless being rocked in my arms or pushed in a pram got me back into relative shape quite quickly, but I have got my fingers crossed for a better sleeper this time so I am hoping not to have quite so much weight to shift post birth.

The first photo was taken a week or so prior to conceiving Champ, the next one was me at 34 weeks. Yep, I had another 7 weeks of growing ahead of that photo! I ceased to take photos after I saw this one!

Breath #2

2009-08-10T10:57:00.003+10:00

Cowboy and I just returned from our first ultrasound with good news.

Despite knowing the futility of it, I dutifully drank my litre of water 1 hour prior to the appointment and did not empty my bladder. I knew from experience with Champ that at only 6 weeks 4 days an internal would be required and it was. The sonographer found the sac externally then ordered me to the bathroom to relieve myself and to strip down.

After a few minutes (which felt like an eternity) of legs held high and wand inserted, the sonographer told me to hold my breath and it was then I heard music to my ears: the eerie sounds of a ultrasonic heartbeat. One darling little baby sac and one little heartbeat filled the screen and filled our hearts.

As fate would have it this ultrasound was scheduled for the same point in the pregnancy as my first one with Champ (6 weeks 4 days). Which is why I am not worried that this baby (aka Muscles) is measuring small: 6 weeks. Champ was measuring 6 weeks also and he came out a very healthy 9 pounds!

Champ's heartbeat at this point was 120 bpm, Muscles is slower 100 bpm which I am going to try not to let worry me. Saying that, I'll likely opt for the 12 week ultrasound even though I personally do not want the Down's screening.

I know that the pregnancy is still young and fragile, but the chance of miscarriage drops significantly when a heartbeat has been detected. Hence, I draw my second breath and consider telling friends and family about this pregnancy.

Mummy Wonderful

2009-08-09T12:43:00.002+10:00

I never knew I was so funny, clever, wonderful, beautiful and generally a blast to be around until I saw myself through the eyes of my son.

Seriously, if you could see the way Champ looks at me sometimes.

Despite all the Mummy-guilt, the self-doubt and worry, I must be doing something alright for that kid to love me so much.