One question, two answers

Thanks everyone for your support after my last post. Since that episode two days ago, I have had no more blood, so fingers crossed Lucky is still holding on tight.

After feeling so poorly with morning sickness for this past week that I am seriously reconsidering the idea of a big family (Champ and Lucky might just have to be it, because I can't see anyone convincing me to do this again), I asked both Cowboy and my Mum the same question, and received two very different responses.

The question (only half jocular): Do you think it possible to die from morning sickness?

Mum (very worried): Red, you really have to make sure you are keeping fluids up, dehydration can be very serious, darling.

Cowboy (very not worried): No. I am sure you'll live.

Men!

Spotting with Symptoms

Yesterday a familiar tragic meltdown occurred when I wiped and found blood. Minuscule amount though it may be, it is also too much like the familiar nightmare of my other misscarriages for me to take any comfort from the terrible nausea and other pregnancy symptoms I am still experiencing.

Because I am a sucker for punishment I have not booked my ultrasound for another week and a half (8w1d) even though I had the option of making it earlier (call me a pessimist, but I was not even sure I'd make it this far, let alone to 8 weeks, when I made the appointment).

So, looks like I just have to wait. I hate this bit.

My nose

Pregnancy nose!! It is just as well Champ has learnt to use the toilet and I am not longer changing (and washing) stinky nappies.

Oh, did I tell you you we started toilet training? Did I complain about the trials and tribulations of getting Champ to do his business on a toilet?

No? Oh, that is because it was really a non event. He just agreed that he should stop wearing nappies, wear big boy jocks and tell Mummy when he needed to use the potty. And he did.

I really should write a book, except that it would just say 'Tell your child that nappies are for babies and now they are a big boy/girl now and need big boy/girl underwear. Then take them to the potty. Make a big fuss when they do anything in the potty. If they have an accident tell them calmly that Mummy doesn't want to see accidents, Mummy likes it when you tell her that you need to use the potty. Go on your merry way (nappy-less).' Do you think it will be a top seller?

Of course we still have occasional accidents (the kid only turned 2 last month!) but he gets about in big boy jocks all day everyday and I generally trust him to hold it until we get to the bathroom. Knock on wood, but we have never had a #2 accident. He even does it in the big toilet now. And that, my friends, means a lot less gagging from his pregnant Mamma!

Score (Beta HCG)

I finally went back in to the doctors to pick up the results of my blood test from over a week ago. It is not that I am not thinking about this pregnancy every waking minute, just that I am still very hesitant to let any excitement take over my life.

So I got my Beta HCG score. At 4 weeks 5 days it was 2764, which I have compared a bit online and believe it it a very reasonable number. But as I found out this morning, I would need two blood tests to check the actual progress, which I don't have because I didn't know you would need two to check on the health of the pregnancy. In fact I didn't know that the blood tests I had last week even gave me a quantitative hormone test. I don't know much about this baby baking do I?

Meanwhile I am taking slight comfort from the very real and present nausea which is my constant friends these days. I have devised many wonderful games to play with Champ which can all be carried out with Mummy laying on the couch (special thanks to my sister who gave him his 'doctors bag' for his birthday; Mummy has had many blood pressure tests, stethoscopes, temp checks, needles and band aids applied lately).

My personal favorite is a game called 'pillows' where Champ takes every pillow off all the couches in the loungeroom, then proceeds to cover Mummy in them and runs around calling 'Mummy, where are you?' before uncovering me and starting again. I can almost nap during that one.

Comments MIA

Just letting you guys know that some of my comments will not come up on people's blogs. I have typed many comments this morning and on about 3 blogs they just disappear. I am trying to figure out the problem, meanwhile, sorry, I am reading just not appearing to comment.

Spotting watch 2010

Today is the point (5.5 weeks) in my pregnancy with Turtledove that I started spotting. That episode ended with me in the hospital the next night with a confirmed spontaneous miscarriage.

Today I am praying with everything I have that Lucky is strong and survives to join our family in September.

Today is also my 3 year wedding anniversary and we are going to the Botanic Gardens (where we got married) to see a Mid Summer Night's Dream be performed. Happy Anniversary my love.


Marriage is a promise between two people who love each other; and it takes a lifetime to fulfil.

Whisperings

I awoke today, at 5 weeks into the pregnancy, to the familiar pregnancy feelings of aching hips, sore breasts, and the beginnings of vague nausea (I also ended last night with bloodied gums from brushing my teeth and blood on my tissue when I blew my nose). Of course I experienced all these symptoms with Muscles and still encountered the end of the pregnancy with empty arms.

So, far from shouting out my pregnancy symptoms from the tree tops, I am whispering them to my husband under the beds sheets.

'Alone' again

Champ and I have nearly survived a week sans Daddy. Yes, my right hand man around the house is back at work. Those who have read my blog for a while may recall that Cowboy took a voluntary redundancy in the middle of last year. He then enjoyed months of being a stay-at-home-Dad-(with-wife-at-home-too) before deciding he had better search for work before it became an embarrassingly long break.

It did take him a little while, but I think it was less to do with the economy and much more to do with him enjoying surfing the net, playing with Champ and being preoccupied with his Masters studying (in that order). So, mere weeks before Christmas (the date his redundancy payment equalled what he would have earned in that time) he accepted a new job! He didn't actually start until this week though due to the summer break (and wanting to enjoy his last little bit of freedom).

So on Monday morning, Champ and I dropped him at the train station, waved goodbye and then looked at each other. 'So kiddo, what do you want to do today?'

Some parts of being the only adult in the house are immensely enjoyable (having the computer all to myself during nap times comes to mind).

Things are also a lot more organised. An extra adult in the house makes a lot more mess. Plus, me being the only one at home responsible for cooking, cleaning and washing means that I actually step up and do the tasks rather than sit back and assume he will do it while I am at playgroup with Champ. The result is that by 9.30 or so each day we have an immaculate house and fresh clothes hanging on the line outside. We'll see how long that part lasts.

It is also nice to miss Cowboy. I do recall someone somewhere once said 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' - I think they were on to something there. Cowboy also misses us a lot and actually ventured with me in to Champ's room last night to tuck him in before we went to bed; usually he just shakes his head and says 'If you wake him up...'.

The part I was dreading was the taking care of Champ alone again part. But that has proved to be not such a big deal. Of course the extra hands were handy when he was here especially when we arrive home from the morning's adventures at exactly Champ's lunch time ('Please help Champ to use the potty and wash his hands while I get lunch prepared'), but we are managing ok with just my hands at present.

Champ has also (surprise, surprise) grown up a lot in the 5 months since I took care of him full time solo. He can actually (shock, horror) do a little bit of independent play now. He also listens to instructions remarkably well, and even often responds appropriately.

All in all, this week has been a delight; if a little lonely of adult company.

On a lighter note

After waking stressfully this morning, I have been taking my mind of my potential worries with some net surfing where I found these photos of Champ and I my friend had posted on Facebook from our Christmas gathering. He was telling me a story. He is an absolute born story telling and a budding comedian.

Here comes the punch line:

Dread

It is 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. It could be because yesterday was 44 degrees (111 F) and the night didn't cool significantly. But more likely it is because I woke up lying almost on my stomach and realised that my boobs no longer hurt. At all.

The last two days they have been hurting less and less, and that all encompassing pregnancy exhaustion has left me. I have been around this thing long enough to know that they are not good signs.

But the worst 'symptom' by far is that since yesterday I just haven't 'felt' pregnant.

Oh, I am so over this. Can't I get a break this time?

Talking about boobies (TMI - sorry)

My breasts are sore! They have been for over a week actually, but they are getting sorer by the day!

I am not going to start jumping up and down about pregnancy symptoms thinking that they mean the pregnancy is progressing well. After how strong my morning sickness was with Muscles, my mind will not be put to rest by a bit of nausea.

However, in the last two pregnancies I have not had sore breasts. This only worried me mildly. I had only stopped breastfeeding Champ 2 months before falling pregnant with Turtledove, and, as recently as last month I was able to squeeze little drops of milk from my right breast at will. Thus, I put my lack of soreness down to them not needing to reestablish themselves because the ability to produce milk had never gone away. But a little part of me always worried that my breastfeeding would not go well since I didn't get the tenderness.

Now I am happy to report that my left breast is so sore that I could not possibly lie on my stomach and my right one is a little tender. I am not classifying this as a symptom that makes me more confident about the health of this pregnancy. That won't happen until (God willing) we make it to the 12 week mark and beyond. But I am more relaxed about my potential to breastfeed Lucky if we make it that far.

You see, I am not really a 'baby person'. Of course babies are adorable, especially once they are a few months old and have grown into their skin! I am more of a toddler person. I loved Champ as a baby. I love Champ even more as a toddler. The one thing that I miss from those baby days is breastfeeding.

Champ did feed a little into his second year. But toddler feeding is vastly different to baby feeding. I miss those long contented feeds, the closeness, the knowing that I was giving him the best start and I miss not having to do dishes after he had his lunch.

I can. not. wait. to breastfeed again. I never thought I'd be so happy to have sore boobies!

12ww (no, that is not a typo)

I caved in today and POAS at 13 dpo. In true Lemoncake style it came up positive straight away. That's 4 pregnancies from 4 cycles for those keeping count (Cowboy is). BUT only one live baby (so far).

So, how do I feel?

No different to before the pee stick really. I 'knew' I was pregnant because of my exhaustion this past week, but that's still not the reason I am not jumping up and down and planning babysitting for Champ on September 21st (my due date). The reason is of course my recent experiences. I feel guilty for not being excited, but I just can't trust myself to have too much hope yet.

I know that not allowing too much hope in won't make it any 'easier' if I do miscarry this one. You can not hold life inside you without allowing hope to creep in the backdoor. I'm just not opening up to let it all flood back in, just in case I have to kick it all out in a few weeks. This song keeps floating into my head.

So to that end, I figure that my 2ww has become a 12ww. Once I make it to the end of the first trimester I will begin to believe that I may well hold my newborn in my arms in September.

I still wanted to 'name' this pregnancy. Because I don't think it is very optimistic to call it my 'maybe baby' even though that is how I feel, we settled on 'Lucky'. This is our third attempt to make Champ a big brother, third time Lucky?

First time doubter

Yesterday I went to a baby store and bought a cot valance. No, this is not some round about way of telling you I got a BFP, just that I bought a safari themed piece of material to skirt the bottom of Champ's cot.

Yes, Champ is still in a cot. I will be keeping him in a cot until he starts scaling the sides of it, Mission Impossible style. He sleeps well in his cot. I want to keep it that way. Of course he can not stay in a cot forever.

When I set it up on the cot, Cowboy commented (somewhat sarcastically) 'Wow that looks great, I don't know how that cot ever did without a valance.'. I know it was a strange purchase, but I have had my eye on it ever since before Champ was born and MIL bought me a safari nappy stacker. I have since framed photos of elephants (from the 'Tawny Scrawny Lion' Little Golden Book) and have received a safari themed wooden height chart as a gift for Champ. So you see, we have a green and brown, safari themed nursery. I just couldn't bring myself to pay $50 for a piece of material for the bottom of the cot. Cue 'The Sales'! So I bought it.

Then I had a moment.

Champ will not be in a cot forever. Maybe I'll only get to use it for a short time. Maybe I'll never have another baby to use it.

I am sure that these thoughts have gone around the heads of many of you at times. This was my first time. My first serious doubts.

A bit emotional this week. I want to get back to my 2010 positive spirits.

Numbers; 9 dpo

When do I dare test?

My stats:

I am only on CD20.

But I believe I ovulated CD12.

So I am now 9 DPO.

I have one POAS test left. I am superstitiously not buying a new pack because I don't want to test again until we are trying for number 3!

Sleep overs

Champ had a sleep over at Cowboy's parent's house last night. He tends to sleep over at their house once a month or so, so everyone is pretty comfortable with the set up and everyone (especially Champ) looks forward to it.

Last night was different though. He usually sleeps over there when we have something to do: a wedding, 21st party, a musical, etc. Last night was a 'just because it is holidays' sleep over. Cowboy and I decided we had better go to dinner and a movie because otherwise we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves!

We enjoyed the dinner and a movie part, then when we were in the cinema parking lot, Cowboy said 'We aren't too far from my parents, want to call in and kiss Champ goodnight?'. I was strong and said that I'm sure everyone would be asleep so we should leave them.

So we got home and started creeping around the house like we normally would at 10 p.m., before we realised that there was no sleeping child to wake so we could talk in our normal voices! What adults we are!

Then we spoiled it by running around doing impersonations of our little man. As we got into pajamas, Cowboy lent on the bed posts kicking his legs behind himself saying 'shoota!' like Champ's soccer impersonation. Cowboy sneezed and I said 'Bess ooo, Daddy'. After a few more impersonations, we realised that Champ would have been asleep for hours by now so it was silly to miss him. But miss him we did.

Cowboy is enjoying the sleep in right now but my body clock woke me before even Champ normally does. Now I'm just waiting til his midday drop off time to see the little guy again.

Tomorrow night he is having a sleep over with my Mum. We were planning a quiet night in but I think we had better go out or we will be at our wits ends!